


House Potter for Children in Need

by Ailec_12



Series: It Happened at the Potters' Cottage [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Child Severus Snape, De-Aged Severus Snape, Found Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, James Potter Lives, Lily Evans Potter Lives, Past Child Abuse, Severus Snape-centric, Trust Issues, Young Severus Snape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:46:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 68,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22185070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ailec_12/pseuds/Ailec_12
Summary: Eight-year-old Severus Snape wakes up alone at home only to be later dumped in another house. There, he must put up with an annoying toddler, a creepy cat and two adults that cannot be trusted.The place is Godric's Hollow and the year, 1981 —except for the fact that Severus thinks it is 1968.
Relationships: Harry Potter & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Harry Potter & Severus Snape, James Potter & Severus Snape, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape
Series: It Happened at the Potters' Cottage [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1839559
Comments: 1014
Kudos: 1238





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dorypop](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dorypop/gifts).



> First of all, thanks to the lovely **Dorypop** for basically paying me a visit a month ago, coming up with the idea for this fic and making me write it. She's also been incredibly helpful when I ran out of ideas or became insecure about the characterisation.  
> It's been ages —if ever— since I've posted a story that I hadn't finished yet. I never abandon a story once I started it, though, and so far I've written six more chapters and have about twelve outlined altogether. **Updates will be every two weeks** , but who knows, if I finish writing the fic, I may be able to update more often in the future.  
> Also, I'm trying my best to use only British English terms, but I'm not a native English speaker, so if something sounds wrong for the place and time the fic is set, please don't hesitate to tell me.  
>  **I look forward to reading your comments!**

Over time, Albus Dumbledore had learnt that fooling oneself was hardly ever advantageous. Thus, the moment it became clear that Severus had failed to report back as agreed —rather than be merely late—, the old wizard did not attempt to ignore the nagging suspicion that prompted him to investigate the reason of such disappearance. And yet, he was well aware of the number of possibilities that would have prevented a spy from sending word without necessarily implying betrayal. He resolved to wait a couple of days, but nothing changed.

After conceiving something alike an escape plan in case the situation went awry, Albus Apparated in the desolated area of Cokeworth known as Spinner’s End. Not a light remained in the street, so there was no need for his Deluminator in the dead of the night. He allowed himself a pensive look round and, then, he marched without any further hesitation towards one of the decrepit little houses.

He had been there only once before, shortly after Severus had started spying for him. He had insisted on adding his own wards, so that the young man could be protected if he were ever discovered... and so that Albus could better control who entered the place. At the moment, when he approached the porch, he could not detect anything amiss with the protective spells. The likelihood that Severus was not home increased.

He muttered the appropriate counter-charms and stepped into the property. A wandless _Alohomora_ opened the front door and granted him access. The shabby interior reflected the sorry state of the entire building. Once again, he wondered how someone as proud as a Prince had ended up her days in that sad little corner of the world. And, not for the first time, either, Albus thought whether the Hogwarts faculty could have done more to avoid seeing their own students, just fresh out of school, joining Tom.

Turning away from those fruitless thoughts, he crossed the hall. Everything was covered by a dense layer of dust as well as surrounded by stale air, but numerous footprints betrayed its apparent abandonment. He stepped through the only door to his right, leading into the living room. There were a few bookcases that looked somewhat better kept than the inherited threadbare furniture. He perused the book collection, finding concealing charms on some of the darkest volumes. It was nothing unexpected and Albus crossed the door leading to the kitchen. Some empty food boxes and dirty bowls on the old wooden table confirmed someone had been there, but not when. He stopped, straining to hear something other than deadly silence, but it seemed like he was truly alone in the house. Undoubtedly, Severus would have sensed the wards letting him through if he had been inside and so, Albus’s mind reeled with possible scenarios.

He tried to think objectively whether it was more likely that he had been double-crossed or that the dark-haired man had encountered trouble. Love was a powerful reason to walk the hard path of self-betterment, but the Headmaster doubted the commitment that such a selfish love could bring. He was afraid that, if Voldemort open acceptance and acknowledgement had worked once, it could happen again. And, even though Severus did not know everything that happened in the Order —no one did, except perhaps for its leader—, he had still learnt information that Tom would find extremely interesting. On the other hand, if they had uncovered his role in Peter Pettigrew’s arrest, his young spy was dead. However, there was no one who could have disclosed this piece of information, since not even other Order members knew that Severus had been the one to reveal Peter as a Death Eater. It was one of the many precautions Albus had taken, as well as keeping Severus’s change of heart a secret.

Neither option was particularly pleasant and the old wizard strode out of the kitchen, forsaking for a moment his usual calm demeanour and returning to the hall. He was tempted to finish his search at that point, but he considered that he might find a clue about his former pupil’s disappearance in one of the upper rooms. Slightly sceptical, he started to climb up the stairs, ignoring the constant creaking under his boots. If there was anyone waiting to ambush him inside the house, they would have heard the front door screech earlier.

The first door on the first floor led to what looked like a child’s bedroom. It was bare but for a small single bed and a wardrobe. The bedcovers sported faded colours and several little holes, likely eaten by moths. Yet, they were rumpled at the foot of the bed, as if someone still slept there. Suddenly, Albus froze as his senses put him on full alert. He could clearly feel another magical presence in the room. Very slowly, he looked around, seeing no one. A discreet non-verbal spell was enough to show that a person was hiding in the wardrobe, though, and he readied his wand. Even so, there was no fear in his stance —the furniture was hardly an ideal location from which an adult could attack and any competent wizard or witch would have chosen to face Albus earlier and try to escape.

With another wave of his wand, the wardrobe doors burst open, revealing nothing at first. Then, there was movement at the back and he cast a _Lumos_ to scatter the shadows. A sharp intake of breath followed and he came closer, bending over to take a better look. A young child was curled up in a ball at the bottom of the wardrobe, barely daring peek up between his fingers. Black strands of hair covered his face, but Albus could distinguish plain terror in his equally black eyes.

Of all scenarios he had envisioned, coming face to face with a much younger Severus Snape had never crossed his mind. Even in the semi-darkness, his striking features were distinctive enough that there should not be doubt about his identity. In truth, there were only two possibilities: either the child was really young Severus —regressed in body and mind to a time where they had not met yet— or it was a trap set by Tom to infiltrate one of his own followers among the Order. After a few seconds in deep thought, the Headmaster decided to act as he would with an unknown child in order to attempt to shed light on the situation.

“Hello?” he whispered softly.

There was no answer and the child seemed to tighten his hold on his knees.

“What are you doing here, little one?” He was met with silence once again, but Albus thought the young eyes were currently staring at him with a hint of contempt. It had indeed been a familiar emotion for Severus throughout his school years and it relaxed the old wizard. He tried a different approach. “Allow me to guess, you are about six years old?” he asked, reckoning he had missed the mark by a year or two.

Effectively, the boy uncurled a little, outrage running through his small body.

“I’m eight!”

Albus nodded, straightening up. He left plenty of room for Severus to get out.

“I am afraid that is still much too young to be on your own. Why don’t you come out and we see what can be done about it?”

The boy remained where he was, eyeing him warily. His ‘grandpa voice,’ as Minerva called it, usually managed to make him look completely trustworthy —then again, Severus had never had the easiest time putting his trust in anybody. He waited patiently for the child to make up his mind or say something else.

“Are you a wizard?” he finally chose to ask in a whisper.

“I am,” answered Albus pleasantly. “My name is Albus Dumbledore. I am the He—”

“I know! You’re the Headmaster at Hogwarts. My mum told me about it.”

Losing his grip on his knees completely, he assessed the old man with his characteristic intent gaze, as if that bit of information changed everything. Albus did not react to the interruption and, instead, focused on the child’s obvious enthusiasm.

“That is correct. Would you like to come out and tell me how you ended up here by yourself?”

At some point during the conversation, he had rejected the idea that the situation could be a trap. The boy was acting just like any scared eight-year-old would in such bizarre circumstances. Yet, no one who had met Severus later in life would have dreamt of impersonating him in such a candid way. Severus himself would have come clean about what had happened, embarrassing as it could have been, rather than expose his fears so freely.

Reluctantly, the child jumped out of the wardrobe and, in the glow of the wand-lighting charm, Albus could see the deplorable state he was in. Thin as a rail, he was also visibly dirty and sporting two ugly bruises —one around his neck and another one on his left cheek. The Headmaster could not help it when a slight frown showed up on his face. He had known that Severus’s home life had been far from ideal, but he had not been aware of the extent to which that was an understatement. The boy seemed to become self-conscious at the thorough examination conducted by pale blue eyes and looked down at the floor, fidgeting with his hands nervously.

“Would you care for a sweet?” Albus offered, producing several Muggle boiled sweets he always carried with him. He hoped to put the child at ease, although adult Severus had never indulged in such things in front of him.

Young Severus looked at the palm of his hand avidly, but did not make a move to take anything. Little by little, distrust filled his dark eyes again.

“Where are my parents?”

“Regretfully, I cannot answer that,” explained Albus, not once losing his perky tone. “Suffice it to say that they are unavailable for the moment. Now, child, what is the last thing you remember?”

Severus’s gaze went from his outstretched hand to his clear blue eyes a couple of times before offering any reply.

“Dunno. I just woke up and the house was different.”

“You may take one.” However, his insistence achieved the opposite goal, making the boy withdraw further. Biting back a sigh, the Headmaster returned the tasty sweets to his pocket.

“Where did you wake up?”

He was not an easy man to surprise, but the unwavering dark gaze did not suit its starving, childish frame. In any case, his silent wait was eventually rewarded with a curt question.

“Why d’you wanna know?”

“Perhaps we’ll find a clue that will help us understand what happened,” he answered truthfully.

After another quiet deliberation with himself, the boy nodded —albeit grudgingly. He led the older wizard downstairs, back to the dark hall. There, he opened a concealed door that hid another set of stairs.

“I woke up in the cellar,” Severus muttered. He had his eyes fixed on the darkness below them.

“It must have been quite a frightening experience,” Albus said, strengthening his lighting charm and starting to descend the stairs. The boy followed him without a word.

The cellar was covered by shelves filled with glass jars and old books. He could sense the heavy feeling of dark magic in the room and he guessed it was in there where Severus brewed the potions requested by Lord Voldemort. When his young spy had confessed that his role as a Death Eater involved this type of brewing, his voice had held a hint of haughtiness, as if he were trying very hard to convey how unapologetic he felt about it. His younger version, however, looked very anxious, giving the impression of wishing to be anywhere but in the cellar. Albus looked down at him, lifting a single white eyebrow, which seemed to obtain better results than asking actual questions.

“Mum’s never got so many things lying round. I wanted to clean it up, but she doesn’t let me touch her potions.”

Albus ignored the boy’s worries —utterly irrelevant at the time— and came closer to the cauldron he had failed to notice right away. Fortunately, the fire under it had been extinguished, although the semi-solid mass inside did not look very useful any more. He was no expert in the subject, but he collected a sample nevertheless to see whether he could find out Severus’s latest project through Horace.

“You never shared who you or your mother might be, child,” Albus commented offhandedly as he put the glass vial in another pocket. As he had intended, the boy looked bewildered by the sudden change of subject. Thus, it did not take as long to have an answer that time.

“Severus Snape. Sir.” The honorific was added belatedly, as if on second thoughts. However, there was no longer defiance in his young expression. He might have understood that he would not be allowed to remain in his home unsupervised. “My mum’s a witch. Before marrying my dad, her name was Eileen Prince.”

Albus pretended to be considering that information. It was not going to be easy to choose a suitable placement where he could leave the child while a solution was found. Severus was eight years old and utterly vulnerable in his current circumstances. He needed someone who would be willing to look past his joining the Dark Lord —and so, willing to protect him. Who would step up and take on such a task, though? No one knew about his role as a spy for the Order, only about his allegiance as a Death Eater. No one even knew about his greatest sin or his greatest accomplishment, either. And yet, only the former needed to remain a secret.

A plan started to take shape in Albus’s sharp mind.

“Well, Severus, I know of a nice couple that would not mind taking you in while this situation clears up.”

The boy did not bother to hide his apprehension and the old man’s smiles proved to be useless to set his mind at rest. Alas, it could not be helped. There was only one safe place for young Severus with the war raging on. It was very fortunate, indeed, that they had agreed to choose Albus as their Secret Keeper after learning of Pettigrew’s betrayal. This way, paying them a visit would be easy enough.


	2. I. A Trip to Godric's Hollow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently working on chapter seven and, let me tell you, this is going to be a _long_ journey. So, patience. Also, I love angst. You've been warned.

The strange man that claimed to be Albus Dumbledore Apparated them to a different place, where houses also lined up, but gardens looked well kept and shining cars were parked outside. All the lampposts were lit up, too, and the old wizard took a moment to put out the lights before striding in a particular direction. However, Severus was currently too dizzy to pay attention to most of these details.

Before leaving the house, Dumbledore had allowed him to pack some belongings and the boy had salvaged some old clothes that, albeit too big to fit nicely, would do the trick. All the while, the man had tried to get information out of him. How long had he been alone? How had he managed until the Headmaster’s arrival? Had he perhaps got memories that made no sense? Severus had scowled discreetly at each question, answering as briefly as he thought he could get away with.

He omitted the fact that, despite a growing feeling that something was wrong, he had waited a whole day for his parents to come back before trying to get out and seek help. Yet, when he had finally gathered up the courage to do so, he had not been able to open the door or any of the windows. Furthermore, people did not seem to see him when he had tried to catch their attention from behind the glass panes. In any other circumstances, he would have loathed having to involve other people. At the time, though, he had been terrified as well as desperate upon finding there was barely any food left in the kitchen. Nothing looked right, either, and the cellar was the most worrying of all those changes.

On the good days, his mother would wait until his father had left to take Severus all the way downstairs. In the damp room, Eileen would retrieve her wand and teach her son about magic and Hogwarts. On the best days —which usually followed especially vicious episodes on Tobias’s part—, she would brew some healing salve or a restorative potion. The boy would never ask where she procured the ingredients, but she always had everything to make whatever concoction she had chosen that day.

She allowed him to help prepare the ingredients, instructing him on how to handle them properly, explaining the way they reacted to one another and showing why order and discipline were essential to potion brewing. His mother was not the most patient teacher, but unlike teachers at his Muggle school, she expected perfection from him because she knew he could achieve it. While they brewed together, his mother’s stories acquired greater detail and she also talked about the wizarding world. She talked about blood purity and her own family, the Princes, as old and proud as any of the true wizarding families. Sometimes, she ranted about Mudbloods and how they were unworthy of the feeble magic running through their veins. According to her, they had tainted the magical community, destroying many of its sacred traditions and condemning pure-bloods to decadence. Severus neither dared nor needed to ask what he was, being born to a pure-blood witch and a Muggle bastard. On the not-so-good days, his mother did not hesitate to inform him he was nothing but a filthy half-blood.

In any case, she was as afraid of his father as the boy and so, she never left any trace of magic behind after their brewing sessions. Thus, he had panicked upon waking up and finding a bubbling cauldron next to him as well as dozens of jars resting on the shelves, containing what were undoubtedly ingredients for potions. Right then, it had been far more concerning than the fact that he had been wearing black robes too big for him. He had put out the fire, but had had no clue what to do about the contents of the cauldron or the shelves. No matter in what state his mother had been, she would never have left him or the room like that. And so, he had eventually got out of the cellar, locking the door behind him, and resolved to get some cleaning done in the kitchen until his mother arrived and told him what to do. His other goal of nicking some food was thwarted when he discovered how little they had left. In the following hours, to distract his mind from the gnawing hunger growing in his stomach, he had tried to recall whether something odd had happened on the previous days —just to find out details were fuzzy at best and he was unable to summon a single clear memory of those days.

A similar feeling invaded him at the moment. It took him a while to find his bearings after the Side-Along Apparition enough to focus his eyes on the tall figure next to him. For the first time, he was grateful for how little he had eaten for the past two days —he was sure he would have thrown up otherwise. The old man said something that Severus did not manage to catch before starting to walk. The boy resolved to pay more attention in the future. He would need all the information available in order to deal with his new situation. Even if his mother always said that Dumbledore was a very powerful wizard, she was also right in affirming one should never trust a man who did not act accordingly to his status.

For the time being, the Headmaster had given up on his interrogation and was affably trying to strike up small talk.

“Ah, what a nice little town, don’t you think so, Severus?”

The boy could see why anyone would think so. The street was calm, orderly and, in his young eyes, utterly unfamiliar and threatening. He managed not to scowl at the pleasant, tiny smile settled on the aged face —too long-lasting to be genuine— and said nothing. They continued walking in the dark, although Dumbledore seemed to know exactly where they were heading.

As they approached a row of identical houses, his companion stopped suddenly and Severus almost stumbled into him. He was handed a piece of parchment, together with a brief command to read it in silence. It was only an address, but he obeyed nevertheless, something akin to curiosity rising within him. When he lifted his eyes, a new house was in front of them. He would never have noticed it if not for the fact that the ground floor was completely lit up. He felt the parchment disappear from his hands and, as he looked down, there was no trace of it.

Unable to contain his shock, Severus turned his gaze to Dumbledore, who once again smiled at him. Even if he did not trust him yet, a warm feeling was spreading in his stomach. It quickly became colder as they resumed walking. The Headmaster had said he would leave him with a couple, but what would they be offered in exchange for putting up with him? Perhaps they would refuse to take him in and he would be sent to an orphanage. Or they might owe Dumbledore and that was why the man was sure they would agree. What would they expect from Severus, then? At that very moment, he wished he would have dared argue his case further. He was eight years old already, he could take care of himself. And yet, despite the over-friendly façade, the child was aware of Dumbledore’s vast power and knew it would be wise not to cross him.

The weight in his stomach grew as the old wizard rang the bell and they waited at the entrance. Everything seemed deadly silent, up until the moment the front door opened. High-pitched giggles and a man’s yelling for someone to stop escaped through the door as a young woman showed up. Her most striking trait was her intense red hair, but Severus forgot all about it when they heard a loud crash inside the house and she wasted no time in turning round to shout, “James, bring him down NOW!”

The boy almost stepped back instinctively, reacting just in time to stay rooted to the spot. He glanced to his right, where the Headmaster remained unfazed with the littlest glimpse of amusement in his blue eyes.

“There is never a dull moment with the little one, is there?”

Severus clamped his mouth shut to avoid snapping back. His doubts about staying there kept increasing by the minute. Yet, as usual, no one cared to listen to his opinion.

The redhead turned back sharply. As she faced them once again, her bright green eyes seemed to notice the young boy for the first time. With a jolt, she took a small step back. Shock was written all over her face.

“What—?”

There was no time for either the woman to finish her question or Severus to ponder what had caused such a strong reaction, because a young man with glasses appeared at the doorway as well. He was carrying a baby that shared his unruly black hair. As soon as his gaze landed on Severus, the man did a double take and the boy’s urge to run grew stronger. The eyes behind the glasses narrowed.

“What the bloody hell?! Is that—?” The sudden shout seem to startle the baby, who began to cry, effectively cutting off the angry questions.

Severus longed to seek shelter, but there was no one to offer it to him —surely, he could not hide behind the Headmaster’s robes. Said wizard may have read his intentions, because a firm hand on his shoulder froze him on the spot.

“James, Lily, may I introduce you to Severus Snape?”

Only a thought remained in the boy’s mind: no. He did not want to be introduced and he did not want to stay. These people hated him and they did not even know him yet! Suddenly, he remembered his filthy, ill-fitting clothes, the fact that he had not thought of taking a shower in the two days he had been cooped up at home and the bruises on his face marking him as a nasty boy. He dragged his gaze down, thinking that, after all, an orphanage might be the most suitable place for someone like him.

Several seconds passed in utter silence, until the woman broke it briskly.

“I believe we should take this inside.”

“What?” the man, James, hissed, careful not to disturb the baby again. Said child was mercifully quiet, taking in the whole scene with eyes as green as his mother’s. Severus avoided his innocent gaze, uneasy. “You can’t possibly be thinking of letting him in our home.”

Lily turned to him, a mix of resignation and exasperation in her stance.

“He’s already seen it. It doesn’t matter now.”

The young man looked at Dumbledore, clearly unhappy, but the redhead stepped aside to let them enter. At his dubious look, Severus received a little nudge forward that prompted him to pass by the couple.

He found himself in a cosy, little living room, with a couch, a television and a couple of bookcases filled with both old books and modern-looking volumes. The others joined him shortly and Dumbledore started talking, still unnaturally calm.

“I found young Severus at his home. He was alone, with no memory of how he came upon such circumstances.”

The wise blue eyes twinkled and the boy had the feeling that the old man was hiding something, despite knowing for certain that every word uttered was true.

“How can you be sure he doesn’t really remember anything?” asked James. Meanwhile, Lily was just staring down at him, making him feel more scrutinized than if she had been firing questions, too. It completely distracted him from considering what memories her partner was so concerned about.

“I am. He is as puzzled by this as any of us. And before you ask why I chose both of you to take him on, I believe Severus must have worked up quite an appetite—”

The boy should have been relieved when the woman broke eye contact to fix her gaze on the older wizard. However, he felt furious that the Headmaster would draw attention to him that way.

“I’m not hungry!” he could not help bursting out, even though it would not do him any favours. He felt heat rushing to his cheeks and glowered at the floor in an attempt to hide his embarrassment —he half expected someone to notice it anyway and have a good laugh at his expense. To top it all, he was regretting not having taken any sweets earlier, because he was actually pretty hungry. Yet, he could still fend off the feeling for a long while.

“Yes, we do not know what he has eaten for the past two days. James, if you would be so kind as to take him to the kitchen and provide him with some food?” requested Dumbledore, choosing to ignore the rude interruption.

Severus knew he should feel grateful, but in fact he was growing angrier and angrier. He glared up at the young man, who appeared to be at a loss for words. Gently, Lily took the happy baby from his hold, nodding encouragingly towards what Severus assumed was the kitchen when James did not move. Finally, the jolt snapped him out of his shock and he blinked as he fixed his eyes on the other child.

“C’mon,” he said curtly after a moment, disappearing behind a door. Without sparing a glance at the grown-ups that stayed behind, the boy followed him.

The kitchen was a little bigger than the one back home —which did not say much—, but it was pristine, with just a few dirty dishes in the sink. There were Muggle appliances there, too: a fridge, an oven, a stove... Even a microwave. Severus fidgeted, suddenly very uncomfortable. Was one of them a Muggle, like his father? As James rummaged through the cupboards, he tried to keep in mind that their house was somehow charmed. They could not share his father’s stance regarding magic —at least, not completely.

The familiar clatter of ceramic against wood snapped him out of his reverie. Because of his daydreaming, he had once again failed to pay attention and could not help flinching ever so slightly. He peeked up and found the adult wizard staring at him intently, the way his mother sometimes frowned at a potion when she was unsure how to proceed. Severus had half a mind to turn round and make a run for the front door, but James cleared his throat awkwardly and pointed at a chair.

“What? Sit down and eat.”

The boy risked a glance towards the table, trying not to let any emotion show up on his face. There was a steaming mug whose contents he could not see and, next to it, a plate full of... biscuits? They looked just like the chocolate chip biscuits they advertised on the telly. He had never tried one, since his mother always complained they were too expensive. And now, a stranger was giving them away to him, despite his initial reluctance to even let Severus set foot in his home.

Unable to decide a suitable reaction to what must have been some sort of scheme, the child just continued glaring up at the man. People usually thought children were little fools easily manipulated and he could not wait to prove them wrong.

James glared back and Severus tried not to tense up too much.

“What’s your problem now? Children like chocolate. _Everyone_ likes chocolate.” The man huffed, crossing his arms, and kept pinning him down with his brown eyes. “I’m not convinced yet that you’re telling the truth. If I find out you’re fooling with us, you’ll regret it, Sniv— Snape.”

Severus glowered harder upon hearing those words. About what could he possibly be lying that could arouse such hatred in James’s voice? He did not even know them and sure as hell he had not asked to be taken to their home. It was not fair how, somehow, everything ended up being his fault.

The older wizard seemed to have run out of patience. He drew back a chair, not caring about the scraping noise it made.

“Sit down now,” he snapped and the boy felt his legs compel with the order before he could think about it twice.

Only when he was sitting did he realise how worn out he truly felt. His body was as heavy as lead and he had a headache that did not let him think straight. He only managed to switch his scowl from the man to the food in front of him. The mug seemed to have hot chocolate and he felt his temper falter as his mouth watered.

A minute or so passed by in complete silence, as neither of them moved. Eventually, James let out another impatient huff and threw his arms into the air. Severus dug his fingers into the fabric of his trousers, forcing himself to remain still.

“Fine. Be difficult if you want, it’s not as if I care.”

The boy did not allow himself to react to the words, either, but was thankful when the tirade was cut short by the redhead’s return. She did not carry the baby with her, which the young father also noticed right away.

“Harry’s fallen asleep and I already put him in his cot,” she explained at her partner’s questioning look. She turned her own gaze towards Severus. “How are you two doing here?”

“The brat refuses to eat,” James promptly answered, rolling his eyes. “Where’s Albus? What did he tell you?”

“He left, we’ll talk about it later. Don’t you like chocolate bickies? Oh, dear, you drink’s gone cold.”

Not giving him any time to protest, she took out a wand and, with a simple wave, the mug began to steam once again. He had never witnessed magic displayed so openly in a household and, almost of its own accord, his dark eyes found James and watched his reaction warily. The man, however, seemed preoccupied with other issues —namely, the fact that the boy remained in their kitchen.

“Albus left? What’s he doing still here, then?”

Lily dropped her easy smile in order to fix him with a surprisingly frightening look.

“James, we’ll talk about what he told me later on. For now, I’m sure Severus needs food, a quick bath and some sleep.”

Rather than become angrier, the man seemed to admit defeat. As the child observed the scene, he had to accept there was no way he could understand what was going on.

“Not hungry,” he mumbled, unwilling to draw any more attention to himself. As if the universe wanted to take revenge on him, his stomach let out a low rumble.

Lily smiled at him again, but he chose to look down at the table instead, feeling himself flush for the second time.

“You need to eat something. Try a bickie, Sev, you’ll like it.”

He threw another longing look at the food within his reach and did not manage to restrain himself any longer. Greedily, he grabbed the mug and a biscuit before they could change their minds. Only between bites did he think of addressing the most trivial of those things bothering him.

“My name’s Severus,” he told them haughtily.

He realised his mistake soon enough. He hurried to shove another biscuit in his mouth, as they would surely take back the food at that point for his cheek. However, Lily just told him to swallow before speaking, seemingly unapologetic about shortening his name. James chose to say nothing, conveying his disgust with a silent grimace. And finally, for several minutes, the boy could forget about it all, relishing the sweet flavours in his mouth. He decided he did not like them —he _loved_ them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story got such an amazing response! Thanks so much for all the comments, kudos, subscriptions and bookmarks. I look forward to reading your thoughts on this chapter.


	3. II. Making It through the Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I _finally_ finished writing chapter 7 (or a rough draft, anyway)! I'm so happy, even though that one is going to require some heavy editing. Thanks for your support, it keeps me inspired.  
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter, where we'll gain a deeper insight into Sev's mind. Don't hesitate to tell me what you think.

That night, once he was finally bundled up and safe in bed, Severus allowed his mind to wander.

After he had gobbled down the biscuits and chocolate, Lily had led him to the bathroom. She had given him some old pyjamas from James, which she had shrunk slightly before leaving. They fit him well enough and had neither holes nor stains to indicate they were actually old. The boy had put them on without a fight, unable to bring himself to choose his own clothes instead. Then, he had gone back to the living room, where the redhead was waiting for him.

“Oh, there you are,” she had said, but he thought her expression was not quite so happy. “James is getting your room ready. In the meantime, you could use some real dinner before going to bed.”

He had meant to shake his head and tell her he did not need their food —even though he had not managed to nick a single biscuit for later under their attentive gaze. However, he had only looked up, slightly bewildered. He did not understand why they had bothered to give him snacks if it was not considered real food. Lily had made him a couple of sandwiches, though, and he had hurried to eat those up as well. He should have been concerned about how difficult smuggling food at meals was shaping up to be, but he had been too hungry to care properly.

At the moment, he was regretting his decision a little. The late dinner sat heavily on his stomach and it was probably one of the reasons why he could not sleep. The other one was the strange setting he was in. No, he corrected himself, there was nothing odd but him. The room was utterly normal. He had thought he would be sleeping on the couch, so it had been a shock to know James was preparing a room for him. Likely, it had been Lily’s idea, but it was still bewildering that he complied so easily. Severus thought he would have heard if a screaming match had taken place.

Moreover, any thoughts about one of them being a Muggle had died when the dark-haired man had grumbled about having finished transfigurating the bed. Lily had thanked him with a brief peck and Severus had had to force his mouth not to gape at the sight.

She had walked him upstairs to his new —temporary, he remarked to himself— room. On the way, she had pointed at another bedroom, saying that one was theirs and Severus should feel free to come at any time he needed anything. The boy had scowled at the offer, but had refrained from snapping back. He may have been eight years old, but he was exhausted and not in the mood for a fight.

And yet, once he was alone, he could not relax. The room had nothing special, but there was a windowsill from where the street could be spied. There were also several bookcases and Severus wondered whether it had served as a sort of reading room before. He could not get his mind around the fact they had bothered with it at all. It was true he had had to take a bath before going to bed, because no one wanted a filthy boy in their home, but they had not been mean about it. And he was wearing James’s pyjamas, resized to fit him. They were an odd couple, although Severus felt deeply grateful there had been no more shouts since his arrival.

Still, the silence that had been calming at first was becoming unnerving. Had they just been too knackered that night, choosing to wait till the morning to show their true colours? Perhaps they would get furious when they realised Severus was little more than a good-for-nothing half-blood who could not pay for expensive things like chocolate biscuits.

He turned around in the bed once again, shutting his eyes decisively to lose himself in the softness and pleasant smell surrounding him. He wished he would just fall asleep already. His gloomy train of thought refused to leave him alone, though, until a childish cry echoed down the corridor, neatly breaking the nocturnal quiet.

Severus tensed up right away in response and closed his eyes more tightly, as if that way he could block the constant wailing and what would surely follow. Flashes of what had happened to him back home after waking up from a nightmare came to mind and he opened his eyes to push away the images. Those memories felt more terrifying than whatever the young couple could do. He finally heard hurried footsteps in the corridor and could not help a pang of sympathy towards the baby. Surely they would understand he was too young to know any better. The excuse sounded feeble in his mind — _he_ had never been too young not to be held accountable.

Unable to help himself, he pushed away the warm blankets and got out of bed, careful not to make a noise. He hesitated when he reached the door, but he could not hear anything through the wood, which only meant that the baby was no longer crying. In the end, his curiosity won and he opened it just a crack.

A door somewhere to his right was wide open, lighting up part of the corridor. He did hear some noises then, but they resembled reassuring whispers rather than angry hisses. Once again, Severus could not make head nor tail of what was going on.

Suddenly, the footsteps sounded closer and the boy jumped back in surprise when James appeared within his sight. The man started walking up and down the full length of the corridor, completely focused on the fussy baby in his arms and so, failing to notice the ajar door. Severus approached the crack again and peered out. The adult wizard had a tired smile on his face and did not look upset in the slightest.

“That’s a good lad,” he was muttering, not once stopping bouncing his son, who finally seemed content to keep mostly quiet. “Today’s been utter madness, I tell you, but everything’s going to be all right. Mum and Dad will see to it.”

Not wanting to risk being found out, Severus decided that was enough. As silently as he had got up, he closed the door and let himself slide down until he was sitting on the carpeted floor. He hugged his knees, longing for a comfort he could not completely understand. The young father’s soothing voice haunted him —Harry must be a pretty special son to warrant that tone. His own mother cared for Severus, too, but somehow it did not feel the same. As far as he could remember, she had never gone to his bedroom to gather him up in her arms and sing him praises. He made up a scenario where his father would tell him, ‘That’s a good lad,’ and he could not help snorting softly. He was taken aback by the sudden need of someone —anyone— telling him that he was a good boy, reassuring him that he could get things right.

He stopped that train of thought abruptly and lowered his head until his forehead was touching his knees. He was behaving like a baby. So what if their spawn had been lucky enough to be born in a family that wanted him? Severus was old enough to fend for himself. In a few years, he would go to Hogwarts and become a powerful wizard. The stupid toddler could keep his family, Severus was above that sort of pointless sentiment.

Yet, he felt bad about dismissing his mother like that. He had not got the faintest clue why she had not used her magic to take them away from Spinner’s End, away from Cokeworth. He had dared ask her when he was younger, but she had become very nasty, shouting he was a brat who could not understand. From then on, he had left the subject well the hell alone. In a way, she was right —as much as he thought about it, he could not fathom her reasons. It was also true that neither of his parents liked him very much, but at least his mother put up with him most of the time. He would be glad to get rid of his father, though. Perhaps, when they allowed him to perform magic outside the school, he would come back and rescue his mother, like the daring heroes in the comic books he had started eyeing at the public library.

However, it would be because he loved his mother and not because he needed a mother.

He was beginning to feel cold, so he stood up, slightly stiff. The bruises on his face and neck barely hurt anymore. They had already lost their darkest hue and, in a few days, they would be yellow and become lost on his sallow skin. Unlike them, the pain in his ribs was sharper and much more difficult to ignore. His father had broken skin there in addition to bruising the area and Severus was starting to fear the wound had become infected. He had tried to clean it thoroughly earlier in the shower, but it was too painful and he had not wanted to abuse the privilege of hot water, either. So much for needing no grown-ups, he thought bitterly. He strained to hear, but there was not a single noise to be distinguished.

He finally went back to bed and wasted no time in bundling up under all the blankets. For some odd reason, the fact that he was sleeping in clean, new bed linen clashed with the pain on his side and the certainty that he would have to face that problem on his own. He felt his eyes sting as a result. Half panicking, he shut them forcefully. He could not let himself shed tears over nothing. Crying was not allowed —except for an annoying little brat, it seemed.

At that point, there was only one question running through his mind: why could he not have stayed at home? He had managed fine by himself and he would not have required a stupid rescue in the first place if he had been allowed to leave the house. Bloody Dumbledore had not even told him why he had not been able to set foot outside before his arrival! It was truly outrageous how the Headmaster thought he had the right to meddle in his life and muddle things up as it suit him.

Anger was useful to stop overthinking about useless feelings, but it got him worked up enough that he felt the sweet reprieve of sleep fade away. He tossed and turned, finally lying face up, staring blankly at the ceiling. Uneasiness rolled in his stomach as it must be pretty late. He supposed the best way to make the most of his insomniac time was to decide what to do the following day.

He had no clue what to expect from them, as they had not interacted much. That would change when the sun rose and they had hours and hours ahead of them, though. It was likely they would assign him chores, but that did not worry Severus. He wanted answers and he would have to be smart to get them. He thought his best chance rested with Lily, since James seemed willing to be done with him already. The boy would have to be extremely cautious around him as well. He did not know how long he would have to stay in their house, but it was best to delay any rows for as long as possible.

Finally, he began to feel the lure of sleep surrounding him, so he let his eyelids close after blinking lazily a couple of times. Yes, he should watch his words. And his tone. It was just that his mouth tended to run ahead of his brain and, sometimes, it was difficult to stop it from happening. Yet, he promised himself he would be extra careful. He would be on his best behaviour.


	4. III. Never Just Food

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These past two weeks, this story has received a lot of love and I'm honestly SO flattered! **Ayolen** drew **[the cutest picture](https://ayolen-art.tumblr.com/post/190723576443/a-little-fanart)** based on a scene from last chapter and **Dorypop** made an **[Instagram AU edit](https://hklnvgl.tumblr.com/post/190858348380/house-potter-for-children-in-need-chapter-1)** inspired in this universe. Please, check them out and give them your love!  
> By the way, I recently reblogged an [ask meme](https://ailec-12.tumblr.com/post/190721762216/need-some-distraction-so-pretty-please-you-can#notes) that made me think of little Sev, although I'll happily answer with whatever character you choose —feel free to use other ask memes as well. Actually, I love talking about my stories, so consider my Tumblr inbox open for all your questions —in addition to the comment section, of course.  
> As always, thank you for reading and letting me know your thoughts!

Upon waking up, his first thought was that he did not want to move an inch. Severus did not know what was different right away, he was just aware that he felt happy. As soon as the word crossed his mind, his eyes snapped open and he hurried to sit up.

He was not in his draughty bedroom with his ratty blankets. He was in a dimly lit room and, until just a few seconds ago, he had been snuggling comfortably, basking in the feeling. In a daze, he remembered. Being holed up in his actual bed trying to warm up and hearing the front door open. Immediately thinking it must be his parents. Hesitating whether he could go downstairs to see them, just for the absolute lack of ensuing noise to warn him something was not right. Hiding like a little coward in his wardrobe until Dumbledore found him.

Then, the Headmaster had taken him to this house and left without another word to Severus. Lily and James had not been horrible the previous night, but he also recalled his fears about discovering their real intentions shortly. He bit his lip, allowing himself to show his nervousness since there was no one to witness it. Being by himself was the only way he knew to feel free, but it could get pretty lonely, too. For a moment, he wondered what sort of adults James and Lily would turn out to be: the overbearing kind or the careless one. He hoped they were the latter, so that there were fewer possibilities to get himself into trouble.

Letting out a sigh, he was aware he would find it out soon —and sooner was better than later on those occasions. Slowly, he got out of bed, stopping to put on his shoes. He doubted there was danger of glass on the floor —ever-present back home—, but it was a habit that grown-ups would hardly object to. He kept stalling a bit longer, drawing back the thick curtains calmly. Yet, as sunlight invaded the whole room, his few seconds of peace turned into dread.

Since he had not been awoken by any noise, he had assumed it was early in the morning. He muttered one of those colourful curses that could be heard at pubs late in the evening. Why did that house have to be so quiet all the time? By the position of the sun, it was past midday. The situation was so unusual that, for a few seconds, Severus stood frozen, looking out the window.

It was his first actual day there and he had already slept in and likely missed breakfast. They might even interpret it as a sign of defiance. A lump settled in his throat, for he had been truly determined to avoid trouble. It was not entirely his fault, though. They could have woken him up at the very least. Anger tried to take control once again, but Severus was too scared to feel anything else. The most frightening thing was that he did not have the slightest clue how they would react.

He did not know how long he remained paralysed in a room that was not his own, but when he snapped out of it, he realised he had to get out, whether he wanted to or not. He needed to use the loo and it could no longer be put off. Quietly, he approached the bedroom door and opened a crack. He could hear Lily’s voice downstairs, although he was unable to distinguish any words. The upper corridor, however, seemed deserted. As stealthily as possible, he walked out and headed for the bathroom, where he could finally relieve himself. Afterwards, he wanted nothing more than to go back to his makeshift room. And yet, he knew that delaying his appearance —thus, forcing them to come for him— would only worsen his punishment.

Feeling numb, he left the bathroom and promptly came close to tripping over a cat. Both cat and boy bolted backwards only to stare at each other warily.

“Where the hell did you come from?” hissed Severus, as if the animal had managed to personally offend him within their ten seconds of acquaintance.

The cat neither moved nor looked away from him once. It was pretty big, with long whiskers and short calico coat, although its belly and face were covered in white fur. Severus did not usually mind animals, but anything related to that family gave him pause. Still, the feline stayed rooted to the spot, so that eventually he had to pass by under its intent gaze.

“Daft animal,” he muttered. The cat just followed him with its green eyes.

It had almost been enough to distract him from the dreadful experience that surely awaited for him downstairs. He took each step as if he were a condemned man, but froze once again near the bottom of the stairs. The front door had just come into view and he saw it open and close on its own. Then, James appeared out of thin air, carrying a couple of bags in one hand and something that the boy had trouble describing in the other —it glistened like silver water, but had to be solid enough to be grabbed.

“Love, I’m home!” he called out, grinning from ear to ear. That is, until he spotted Severus and his happiness vanished at once.

“Thank goodness, I was starting to get worried...” Lily trailed off as she came closer and saw first her partner and, then, the gloomy boy. Still, she never lost her smile. “Ah, Severus, you’re awake. Perfect timing, the four of us can have lunch together.”

James made a face and Severus did not dare move.

“Here are the clothes,” the man said, no trace of the previous warmth in his voice. He put down the paper bags on a nearby chair and crumpled the silvery material in his pocket. “I’ll watch Harry while you cook,” he added, walking to where his son had been crawling after Lily.

He took one of the baby’s hands, who stood up and happily wobbled down the hall with his father’s support. James patiently adapted his pace to Harry’s and Severus followed them with his eyes until they disappeared behind a door. When he turned back to face ahead, Lily was looking straight at him with an odd expression. It was gone before he could even think of identifying it.

“Will you help me prepare lunch, Severus?” she asked kindly. Just after nodding did he remember he was supposed to be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The redhead made it far too easy to trust her. Yet, it did not mean Severus did not furrow his brow dubiously when she told him to take a seat in the kitchen. He complied and she crouched down in front of him. He needed to make a conscious effort to hold himself still and not swing his legs.

“Mmm, I bet those hurt, don’t they?” she asked gently.

At first, he had no idea what she was talking about and, when he caught on, she did not seem to require an answer. Very slowly, her hand came closer and she turned his face slightly so that she could see the bruises better. Finding his mouth suddenly dry, he said nothing.

“I’ll bring some Bruisewort Balm. Stay here, okay?”

Severus nodded again, fixing his eyes on his worn-out shoes, which started swinging back and forth as soon as Lily was out of sigh. He could not describe what he was feeling at the moment, other than a heavy weight on his chest that did not let him breathe very well. Fortunately, he was not left alone with his thoughts for long, as she promptly came back carrying a little jar. The corners of her mouth were turned up as she dragged another chair and took a seat in front of him.

“May I apply it?”

Severus leant back a little, glancing up briefly. She was still looking at him intently. Finally, he forced out a weak answer.

“I can do it myself.”

Lily’s expression did not change.

“I know. I just think it’s easier if someone else does it.” She made a small pause, but Severus could not think of anything to say that would not sound rude. “Let’s make a deal, shall we? You think of what you want for lunch while I dab it on.”

“What I want for lunch?” he asked back, somewhat choked up. He did not know what she could possibly mean by that.

“Yes. I was thinking of making cheese omelettes and maybe pork escalopes? Or chicken breast? What do you think? James and I like both.”

Once again, she did not wait for an answer. She simply opened the glass jar and put a small amount of a blue substance on her fingers. Then, she started to dab it on Severus’s face, with a feather-like touch that made it very hard to think about anything else. Once she finished applying it on the visible bruises, she did not close the jar immediately.

“Is there any more? Do you hurt anywhere else?”

Severus knew that maintaining eye contact would help to make a lie more credible, but it was incredibly difficult to hold Lily’s green gaze. He gave her a curt shake of his head, firmly pressing his hands against his legs. His whole body seemed to wish to start shaking at any moment.

“Are you sure? There’s no need to be in any sort of pain, Sev.”

He shook his head more forcefully, thinking that he would have to find where she stored the healing potions for his infected wound later on. He did not know why he refused so vehemently to let her know about it, since she had not mocked him or made it worse. Yet, his instinct did not allow it and he always listened to it, since it had kept him alive that far.

She did not insist, leaning back slightly and giving him have some space instead.

“Would you like to tell me who did that to you?”

“No one,” he spat right away with surprising venom. Any wizard should be strong enough to stand up to a simple Muggle, so Severus would never share his shame willingly. “I fell,” he added after a moment, trying to rein in his temper.

That time, Lily let out a long sigh.

“You don’t need to tell me right now if you don’t want to. I don’t appreciate lying, though.” He scowled, but did not think of talking back. “All right, you may come to me any time you want to talk. I promise I’ll listen.” She dropped her solemn tone as she got up. “For now, let’s get back to lunch before we starve. What’s going to be, pork or chicken?”

He was still upset at her questioning and her too kind tone and touch, so he almost chose pork out of spite. However, his very useful survival instinct kicked back in to remind him that he had not been a model houseguest so far. It would do him no good to push his luck. Following that reasoning, he settled on the cheaper of the two options —at least, until he recalled her insinuation that they would be eating whatever Severus chose. He attempted to swallow his anxiety, telling himself it was just food.

“Anything’s good,” he replied.

“Have you ever had pork escalopes?”

He could feel her eyes fixed on him. After another shake of his head, he felt his cheeks flush faintly.

“Would you like to try them?” she asked again, seemingly undeterred by his silence. He shrugged and looked up in time to see Lily put on a somewhat forced smile. “All right, then, pork escalopes it is. What about cheese omelette? Would you like anything else in it?”

He looked up at her dumbfounded, for he could not figure out why she was asking all those questions. Finally, he shook his head again, but that time he did not avoid eye contact.

While they cooked —or, more accurately, while he watched her cook—, Lily engaged him in conversation. She asked whether he had slept well or encountered any problems or needed anything during the night. He answered as briefly as possible, lying if needed despite her earlier warning and always choosing the reply less likely to spark follow-up questions. The omelettes were on the plates as they waited for the escalopes to be ready when she said,

“James went out earlier to get you some clothes. You can try them on later, after we’ve had lunch and a little chat about house rules.” He must have made a grimace, because she hurried to add, “You didn’t do anything wrong, but we have a, uh, special situation, you might say. It’s a safety matter, you need to be aware of it.”

He almost snapped back that he neither needed their clothes nor was he afraid of their moronic rules. He remembered his earlier determination not to do just that, though, and managed to bite his tongue. Besides, it was almost lunchtime and the food smelt heavenly. He had better not upset Lily, since he really wanted to taste it. Instead, he changed the subject while they laid the table.

“Are you and James married?”

Straight away, he looked up in horror. He had meant to ask about the stupid cat, but that other thought had apparently been running through his mind for a while and he had ended up blurting it out. He knew it was a terribly impolite thing to say, like asking after a grown-up’s age.

Luckily, Lily did not take offence. She just chuckled and put down the last plate.

“We are,” she said, still beaming. “We got married shortly after leaving Hogwarts.”

Severus nodded, immensely relieved for not having put his foot in his mouth.

“What house were you in?” he asked, very interested all of a sudden. Up until he had encountered Dumbledore, his mother was the only magical person he had ever met and he only knew what she had told him.

“We were both in Gryffindor.” Lily’s grin turned into a smirk when he made a face.

“Mum says Gryffindors are reckless and ain’t got no self-preservation,” he stated, feeling very proud of himself for having remembered such a difficult word. “And Hufflepuffs ain’t no good. I guess Ravenclaw ain’t that bad, but I wanna be in Slytherin, like Mum.” Severus shut up abruptly, realising he had been rambling.

On second thoughts, he should not have said that bit about Lily’s house. Her smile had become a little strained when he had mentioned Hufflepuff, too. However, there was no real rebuke on her part when she retorted,

“I think house rivalry should stay at school. I’m sure you’ll make a fine student, Sev, whatever house you’re in.”

He blushed in response, unable to bring himself to tell her off for shortening his name again. She seemed on the brink of saying or doing something else. In the end, she just called out for James.


	5. IV. FAQ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I've got another gift to share with you all! **Mariagvogel** made **[this cover](https://mariagvogel.tumblr.com/post/611294525574529024/i-cant-get-this-fic-out-of-my-mind-so-many)** and gave me all the feelings! All the support I'm getting is truly inspiring, so thank you.  
> In case anyone is interested, I reblog and post everything related to this story over [here](https://ailec-12.tumblr.com/tagged/Harry-Potter-fanfiction).

Lunch was uneventful. After having been ravenous the previous night, Severus tried to mind his manners and eat slowly, despite the temptation that such delicious food posed. He tried to follow the couple’s example, cutting his meat carefully and remembering to close his mouth while chewing. Yet, he still felt sloppy in comparison with them, although the baby was a lot messier. Harry was sitting in a high chair between his parents and James seemed to have no problem keeping up a lively conversation with his wife, feeding his son and eating at the same time. Severus tried to make himself as invisible as possible, the way he often did at home, and just observed their interactions. It was a far cry from how meals usually went in his experience. Still, the toddler provided enough distraction for Severus to wrap half his bread and a slice of pork in a serviette and slip it in his waistband.

After they finished, James took the baby back upstairs for a nap. Lily’s reminder to come back in order to discuss the rules sounded a little ominous to Severus. Although it was probably his mind playing tricks, he became restless anyway. He had stayed behind in the kitchen with Lily, but she needed no help cleaning up. She cast a couple of spells and cutlery began washing itself while leftovers were put away in hovering containers. For a little while, he was able to forget his worries, watching another display of ordinary magic in absolute awe.

When she led them to the living room, Severus used the opportunity to excuse himself under the pretext of going to the bathroom. Wasting no time, he made a dash for his room to hide his own leftovers. Since the room was carpeted wall-to-wall, he could not hide it under a loose floorboard, so he wrapped the serviette in one of his old T-shirts and put it underneath the bed, pinned between the mattress and one of the wooden slats. He ran back downstairs, not wanting to encounter James should he still be busy with his son.

Lily was sitting alone in the living room and he chose to take the armchair to her left. He had been tempted to sit on the soft carpet to watch the telly better, but bearing in mind the upcoming chat, he had thought better of it. It was already bad enough that adults towered over him —that way, he was at least sitting at the same level.

“You got a favourite channel, Severus?”

He shrugged, reluctant to confess he did not enjoy the privilege often. They spent some moments in an easy silence, only broken by the sounds of a programme in the background. Finally, James deigned to show up, taking the seat next to Lily on the couch.

“All right, we can start. Dunno why you need me,” he breathed the last part just loud enough to be heard. She elbowed him, although with no real heat.

“There are some things Severus needs to know—”

“Indeed,” James cut her off, sneering. “No going out, ever. Eat all your vegetables. Listen to your elders. And have I mentioned, no going out?” He snorted, but his wife did not find it very funny.

“You have,” she huffed, visibly annoyed. She turned to the boy, keeping her serious expression but softening her voice. “We have the regular rules and doing as James and I say is certainly one of them. Being respectful, no lying and bedtime at 10 p. m. are the others.” Severus scowled —all the rules were ridiculous, but the last one took the biscuit. Lily went on without paying him any attention. “There’s a special rule, though. James is right, there will be no going out—”

“He was out today!” he shouted, pointing at James. He was not fully aware of having interrupted her, too.

Instead of lashing out at him, she glared at her husband, who mouthed an indignant ‘What?’ she ignored.

“Let me explain, Severus.” She waited until he dragged his gaze up and nodded reluctantly. “We’re hiding from a very dangerous man. The house is protected, but the outside isn’t. Today’s the first day James has been out in over a year and we’re able to take all sorts of protection. I can’t allow you or Harry to leave the house, though.”

“Why’re you hiding? What did you do?” he asked. He was a little sceptic, but decided it was wiser to take the chance to gather information.

Lily sighed, looking considerably older all of a sudden.

“That’s a long story.”

“I’ll tell,” James offered, although he had waited a couple of seconds before cutting in that time. “We’re fighting a war against a dark wizard who thinks pure-bloods are superior to everyone else. He’s got a lot of followers, but we’ve got Dumbledore on our side. Anyway, after Lils got pregnant, we decided to hide. We’ve defied him too many times and lived to tell, so he ended up getting a tad shirty with us.” His light tone did nothing to make him sound more credible, so Severus did not bother to conceal his disbelief.

“So you ain’t fighting no more?” he asked haughtily.

However, before he could enjoy wiping the smug smirk off the man’s face, James uttered his own angry remark.

“ _Anymore_. Merlin, can’t you talk?”

He felt very cold and, then, very hot. His mother did correct him sometimes, but mostly she could not seem to be bothered with it. He was about to say a few choice words just to show the man how well he could talk when Lily intervened.

“That’s enough, James.” She looked truly angry for the first time since his arrival and the sight made his temper deflate a little. “Sorry, Severus, he doesn’t mean it.” The boy contented himself with glaring at James, who did not look the slightest bit apologetic. “We’ve just been cooped up in this house for too many months. We haven’t given up the fight, we’ve just had to find new ways to be in it. Right now, we need to lie low and that’s why you can’t go out. You’ll see other people, though,” she said with a smile, as if it were a comfort. “Our friends come to visit as often as they can.”

He frowned, but kept his mouth shut. He was stuck with these people and their stupid rules for the time being and there was nothing he could do about it. A tense silence ensued, broken once again by Lily’s thoughtfulness.

“I’m sure you must have questions. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind.”

He swallowed, trying to decide what he should ask. He could not bring himself to question why they had taken him in.

“Why’d you buy me clothes? I’ve got my own,” he said sullenly, picking at his pyjamas. Even though they were not new, they felt just as nice.

“Funny way to thank us,” retorted James.

Lily rolled her eyes at her husband, whereas Severus fumed quietly —that was exactly the reason why he did not want to accept anyone’s supposed kindness. There was always a price to pay. The man had surely expected the boy to fall over himself in thanks, but he could procure everything he required himself.

“There’s no harm in having more clothes, is there? We want you to be comfortable while you’re here.”

Severus did not believe her for a second, but he found that, once again, he was unable to look her in the eye. In a way, dealing with the hostile wizard was far easier.

“And how long’s that gonna be?”

“Too long,” James replied under his breath right away. Lily’s elbow in his ribs was immediate, too.

“As long as you need a place to stay,” she said.

“I don’t need one. I could go home,” he protested. His house might have been cold and unforgiving, but at least it was familiar.

“There’s nobody there to take care of you,” was her calm answer.

“I don’t bloody need no one taking care of me,” Severus answered back angrily. Only belatedly did he realise he had messed up the sentence again. That time, James was apparently too amused by something else to comment on it.

“Sure, lad,” he said instead, snickering.

The boy threw him another glare —not that the man cared— and tightened his fists, furious.

“I was doing fine by myself. What d’you care? I can stay home till my parents come back.”

His parents had to return eventually. Surely, his mother would not abandon him and his father would already have if Muggle law allowed it. His temper deflated as uncertainty invaded him. His mother would never do such a thing to him, he thought stubbornly. And yet, a little voice suggested that they might have had enough. He fixed his eyes on his lap, trying to get a grip on himself.

“You’re a child, Severus, you shouldn’t have to be alone. Albus... Albus has promised to keep an eye on your home. He’s even put up some wards to let him know when your parents come back.”

He gazed up at once, genuinely surprised.

“Really?” he blurted out. At her lively nod, he could not help questioning their willingness to help. He narrowed his eyes. “Why, though? Why’d he care ‘bout me or my family?”

Lily looked slightly taken aback and so, James took the chance to intervene once again.

“Well, he’s the Headmaster of Hogwarts, isn’t he? He cares about all his students, present and future.” Even he gave Severus a lopsided smile on that occasion.

James looked oddly pleased with himself and the boy wondered whether it was because he had managed to utter a complete sentence without including a single insult. In any event, he suspected they had not told him the whole truth. He was utterly frustrated with his inability to tell their lies and half-truths apart.

“If you say so,” he mumbled, still a bit mutinous.

He took a deep breath to steel himself for his next question. They had gone over the house rules, but had forgotten about his chores. Even though Severus did not actually want to do anything for them, he was well aware that not knowing would not excuse him from having to do it. Besides, if they continued feeding and housing him —even clothing him, he remembered, barely suppressing a dirty look—, it was fair.

“What’ll you have me do, then?” he asked in the same sour voice. He kept his gaze trained on Lily. He would show them he could be helpful.

“Do? Whatever d’you mean?” asked James.

All trace of mockery had faded from the man’s face and his open expression seemed to convey earnest bewilderment. Severus knew better, though. His question had been clear enough, unlike their fantastic explanations. He concluded it must be a test, then. He was unsure if James wanted to show him up or to learn how he could be of use, but he decided to take the question seriously anyway.

Both James and Lily had magic, so they would not care about cleaning up the Muggle way. Since he was forbidden from going out, he could not even do the shopping. His mother did not have much opportunity to teach him a lot, but Severus racked his brains to find something noteworthy.

Finally, he took his pick and lifted his chin, feigning more confidence than he felt. Not many eight-year-olds could assist with brewing potions, right?

“I can earn my keep. I know loads of ingredients. I can cut ‘em up, too. F– For potions,” he offered, faltering a little when the couple did not stop looking aghast. He tried to figure out the reason desperately, but Lily cut his musings short.

“You’re– You’re not required to earn your keep, Sev,” she said, slightly choked up. He opened his mouth to protest —whether her words or the repeated shortening of his name, he did not know. However, what she said next caught all his interest. “We only ask you to follow our rules. You’ll have schoolwork to do, too, but that’s all. Of course, you may help me brew from time to time if you’d like.”

She smiled, but Severus did not return it. He had no clue what to make of her gentleness —all he knew was that he did not trust it in the least. He hid his satisfaction at knowing that Lily did not mind his help with potions, which had always been his favourite activity, for there was another titbit of information he was not so keen on.

“What schoolwork?”

James huffed and Severus glowered at him openly.

“We can’t send you to school, but you do need to continue your education. We’ll figure out some sort of schedule this evening,” Lily replied.

He could not help throwing a hesitant glance in her direction. He had never liked or been good at school. It was not actually a matter of being smart. At home, his mother would sometimes compliment his intelligence —although, just as often, she would berate him, saying he was _too_ smart. Yet, his father did not consider education to be especially relevant for someone like him and his mother did not care for Muggle school at all. Thus, Severus had never felt anxiety at the prospect of lessons before, but the possibility of being judged by the young couple was a little frightening. They would undoubtedly find plenty of material to make fun of him.

Knowing he had to say something, he swallowed his fear and attempted to sound nonchalant.

“I don’t give a sod. Anything’s gotta be better than Muggle school.” He had not realised he had copied his mother’s sneer at the word until he saw Lily’s lips tighten and James’s expression darken.

“Watch your tone, Snape,” the man admonished, biting out his surname.

Severus leant back right away, unconsciously trying to blend into the armchair. He made a mental note not to bring up Muggles ever again, since it seemed to upset them. In the end, Lily had lied. He would be better off not speaking his mind.

“Whatever,” he muttered, almost too quietly to be heard. He half expected to set James off, but Lily let out a long sigh and seemed to cut in the tension.

“Harry will probably be up soon. Severus, why don’t you go change out of your pyjamas? You can come back later and watch some telly.”

He resisted the urge to scowl, disappearing upstairs without another word. He would need to use his brains if he wanted to avoid disaster so early in his stay. Then, he recalled the intense rage behind the man’s brown eyes and knew his reprieve would not last long in any case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally going to be titled "FAQ ~~Today~~ " and now you understand why. Let me know what you think!


	6. V. Homework and a Shower

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are all safe and doing okay. Who would have thought, when I started writing this, that I'd get the full lockdown experience? Anyway, thank you for the kudos, comments and bookmarks. Every one of them makes me smile. Thanks a lot for your patience, too!

When Severus reached his assigned bedroom, the two paper bags James had carried earlier were resting on the bed. He peered in them, wary of what the man could have chosen for him. However, the colours and patterns on top looked safe enough. He turned the bags over and watched the contents scatter on the red duvet. Then, he started picking up the clothes one by one, taking in every detail.

There were four t-shirts —two dark and two lighter ones—, three pairs of trousers —one of them even denim jeans—, two sweaters —one green and another one blue—, another couple of pyjamas —rather plain, albeit soft—, one pair of white trainers and another one of slippers. There were no quirky designs or pictures on them. In fact, they looked rather adult-like to be for children. Any other child would have felt disappointed at their plain nature, but Severus was absorbed in the brand new smell of the clothing. A bit horrified, he also found out plenty of basic white underwear: vests, pants and socks.

Laid out on the bed, he realised exactly how many clothes there were. They still had their tags, too, and with trembling hands Severus risked a glance towards the prices. He did not even attempt to add up the figures, though. His only coherent thought was that he had just acquired a whole wardrobe —and it was made up of items no one had ever worn before.

He felt like he stood in the middle of the room for a very long time. When he forced his legs to move, he only managed to pick up his own battered bag, sitting down on the floor. He opened it and stared at its contents, even though he was aware that it made no sense to glower at some piece of fabric. Unlike the other garments, these were not intended for a child at all and had several holes, tears and faded colours. They were his belongings, though. When the couple became fed up with him and kicked him out, these would be the only clothes he would be allowed to take with him. Unsurprisingly, white-hot anger ran up and down his spine. Not only had they the gall to dress him nicely to play house, he knew he was utterly unable to provide such nice things for himself.

He threw his bag across the room and some clothes spilt out. Strangely exhausted, he brought his knees to his chest and curled in on himself, hating everything and everyone. The world kept turning, though, and time passed by. Eventually, he heard Lily call out his name. Resigned, he got up, before realising that going down in his pyjamas would just spark a new argument. He was about to pick something from the bed when he remembered her rules and her so-called schedule. Grimly, he reached another conclusion: if there was an argument, it would be on his own terms. He chose some stained brown trousers, a still functional belt to keep them on their place and a huge yellowish shirt. His wound slowed down the process of dressing, as he tried to avoid jostling it as much as possible. It had been rather idiotic of him not to spend his time alone searching for Lily’s potion stash, but the lost opportunity would not return because of his whining. Right then, he had a more urgent issue downstairs.

He went to the living room, his guard up high. Lily was pacing, although she stopped as soon as Severus came into view. James was on the floor next to the couch, playing with Harry. The boy wondered when they had retrieved their son, as he had heard nothing upstairs. The man threw a brief glance in his direction and huffed before looking away, but Harry kept his big green eyes fixed on him, apparently bursting with curiosity. Severus ignored them both and came closer to Lily, ready to stand her berating. She did look him up and down, but made no comments on his appearance.

“Come, I’ve found some books that may be useful. I’ll try to ask for more appropriate reading material to Remus and Minerva, but we’ll have to make do for now.”

She led him to a side, to the low table that had previously been in front of the television. On its surface, there were a couple of old thick volumes as well as three considerably thinner ones, which were clearly children’s books. Severus eyed them, not knowing what to make of them. Lily gestured for him to take a seat, so he did.

“What’s your favourite subject, Sev?”

“Ain’t got one,” he answered quietly.

He had been certain he would be called ungrateful, scolded and sent back to the room at the very least, shattering any illusions that he should accept their pretence of taking care of him. However, their lack of reaction was disconcerting. He did not know how he was supposed to behave when they failed to do anything he expected. He was even more shocked upon feeling a pang of guilt when Lily’s face betrayed her exhaustion. Her voice remained soft when she went on, though.

“That’s fine. I’ve thought an hour of reading in the morning and one in the afternoon will be enough for now to cover things like History and English. We’ll work on Maths three times a week and... Can you use a quill?” she asked out of the blue.

Severus glanced up to keep track of the wizards’ faces. James was still focused on his son and Lily was just waiting for an answer with a tiny smile on her lips. He shook his head and prayed she would not ask for further explanations. For once, it worked. She did not.

“All right, you can practise your penmanship for half an hour every day. It’ll be good to switch between quill and Muggle pen and between letters and drawings when you’re using a quill, too. We’ve got coloured pencils if you want to draw more in your free time. How does it sound?

Severus stared down at the table, truly considering what she had said. He knew what he wanted to ask next, but had no idea how to without sounding rude.

“I can use a Muggle pen. Why do I need to keep practising with it?” he asked in the same low tone, which made him sound slightly more polite.

“We’ll focus more on the quill, then, but it’s still useful to improve your handwriting no matter the tool.”

“And what about Hogwarts subjects?”

Embarrassed, he noticed there was a touch of desperation in his voice. She smiled widely and took one of the thick books.

“We’ll see Muggle _and_ Wizarding history. This is my old textbook of _A History of Magic_. You may even meet the author someday. She’s a friend and lives nearby.”

She handed it out and he took it eagerly. Just by reading the title, he felt a thrill at the prospect of learning about something other than potions.

“History books might be a little too dense at first, though. You may want to start by reading one of these,” she added, pointing at the thin bright books.

He wrinkled up his nose, hugging the textbook closer to his chest.

“I’m too old for children’s books.”

A burst of laughter partly covered by a cough ensued and Severus fought the urge to glare at James. Instead, he did not even bother looking in his direction.

“Well, I’ll leave them all here just in case. For today, just take whatever you want. You can tell me about it at dinner.”

He could not help the way his face fell upon learning Lily was not staying. She put a hand on his shoulder without a warning and he could not suppress a slight flinch in time. However, her squeeze was reassuring and he leant into her touch.

“There are things I need to take care of, but I’ll be with you most days. In the meantime, if you’ve got any questions, you can ask James.”

He felt his mood sour and he fixed his eyes on the book cover.

“Not damn likely,” he snapped.

“Severus,” Lily admonished him right away, a bit sternly. Reluctantly, he dragged his gaze up, not wanting to look too disrespectful. “Language. And behave.” She softened her words with another squeeze and got on her feet.

She walked to where James and Harry were, making a big show of kissing the toddler and provoking a fit of loud giggles. Then, she snogged her husband and whispered something that Severus did not manage to catch.

Abruptly, he realised his zeal watching the scene, so he opened the book in his hands and attempted to start reading the first page of the introduction. Nevertheless, he heard Lily’s footsteps going away down the hall before he could make an honest effort to concentrate. Despite trying again from the beginning, the text was quite dense and difficult to understand —just as Lily had said. Growing frustrated, he decided to skip the introduction and tackle the first chapter. It contained as many unknown terms as the previous pages, though. He could infer the meaning of some, but sentences were too twisted to make any sense of them. No matter how hard he focused, he did not manage to progress.

The minutes tickled by as Severus idly peered through the book. From time to time, he threw brief glances at the other books lying on the table. They looked like collections of fairy tales —both Muggle and Wizarding, judging by the moving pictures on the covers of two of them. He was sure he would not know any of them, as he had never read a fairy tale before. His mother was not very keen on telling legends, either, although on occasion she shared some stories, like the foundation of Hogwarts. That brought an idea to mind and he went back to the beginning of the book, searching through the contents for a topic he was already familiar with.

He began reading about the transmission of magical knowledge throughout the ages, but there was not a single reference to Hogwarts on three pages and he did not understand much more than he had earlier. He could feel that a lot of time had passed already and Lily would expect a detailed account by dinner time. Biting back a resigned sigh, he went back to the introduction and stared blankly at the oddly shaped letters.

He peeked at James, who was lying down on the couch with his knees bent to offer Harry a seat. The baby was clapping, apparently waiting for something. Suddenly, James spread his legs and the baby fell down in the midst of delighted giggles. Absorbed in the scene, Severus almost failed to realise that he was staring. He gulped, trying to remember why his attention was on James in the first place. He knew he had to ask in order to avoid further trouble. It did not mean he had to like it. He looked away.

“What does _obscure_ mean?”

The eloquent reply he received was a quiet ‘Huh?’ as James gathered his son back in his arms. Severus tried to swallow his irritation. He could not even know whether he was pronouncing it right.

“ _Obscure_. It’s in the book. I don’t know what it means.”

James sat up and looked pensive for a brief instant.

“Something like _dark_ , I think.”

The boy frowned, not trusting there was any effort behind that answer.

“That doesn’t make sense.”

The man rolled his eyes, but kept his tone civil.

“What d’you mean? What does it say?”

Severus’s frown deepened, but he steeled himself and decided to read the passage out loud.

“ ‘The exact date is obscure, although resea—’ ”

“Ah, that means they don’t know the actual date,” James cut him off, perking up for a moment.

Harry was trying to regain his father’s attention, perhaps in an effort to get back to their childish games. Severus wanted nothing more than to get back to his book.

“Ta,” he muttered, although it was seemingly too quiet to be heard.

He attempted to keep reading on his own, although he had to stop several times to ask more questions. Meanwhile, James had switched on the telly and was watching some children’s programme with Harry. He looked terribly bored and that may have been the reason why he answered every question without a hint of mockery.

He had hardly started the third page of the introduction when James cleared his throat from his place on the couch.

“I reckon it’s time for a bath, lad. It’s less than an hour until dinner.”

“I wanna finish,” the boy protested right away.

Yet, as he flipped through the pages to make his case, he saw there were still a lot of them until the end of the chapter. James let an amused smirk show on his face.

“I thought so. Off you go. You can finish after dinner.”

The man knew Severus could not possibly justify having only read two pages so far without admitting he had wasted plenty of time because of his refusal to ask questions. It was another thing Lily would not approve of.

“I can wash up after dinner, too. And I took a shower yesterday, I don’t need another one,” he insisted, raising his voice.

“Keep it down and quit being a brat, Snape.” The boy could tell James was finally losing his patience. “If I say you need a bath, you do. Upstairs, now.”

He slammed his book on the table.

“No!”

Harry burst into tears at once, scaring Severus to death. The older boy jumped to his feet, knowing with chilling certainty he was going to get it.

“Bloody great,” James muttered between his teeth, taking his son and rocking him. Louder, he warned, “Look at what you did. Not another word, Lily will hear about this.”

As the man got up and turned to Harry’s cot, Severus seemed to find his courage to say what he had wanted to for a while.

“Like I care! I ain’t gotta do nothing you say! I don’t fucking care ‘bout your stupid rules and your stupid baby.”

Harry, who had calmed down slightly, started crying in earnest again, but James left him in the cot and strode towards Severus. The boy stepped back instinctively and was forced to stop when his back hit the wall. Pain flared up in different parts of his body and he gritted his teeth. He had no time to pay it any mind. Glancing at his sides, he found the front door just a few metres to his right.

“Language, you git! I’ll not say it again. Go take a shower and make sure you wash your hair, too. It could use some shampoo. Quit the pity show while you’re at it and put on some bloody decent clothes.”

Severus could barely feel shame and fury battling within him, for he was overwhelmed by the sounds of his wildly beating heart and the wailing baby. James had stopped just out of reach and he felt another surge of foolish bravery.

“Sod off!”

A deafening crack was heard right then and Severus found out in horror that his magic had cracked the glass table top. James also looked at it, his expression frozen halfway between anger and puzzlement.

The boy knew that was it. His bravery left him in an instant, proving to be as useless as it had always been. He made a mad dash for the front door and failed to realise how James fumbled with his wand, barely managing to spell the door shut in time. When Severus reached it, all his desperate attempts to turn the handle were useless.

His heart was stuck in his throat as he turned around to face James. At seeing him so close, wand in hand, there was no room to think. Severus cowered down and lifted an arm to protect his face, whereas a shaky hand covered the place around the ribs where his injury was. He waited and waited, but nothing happened. Suddenly, more footsteps could be heard as well as another voice.

“What’s going on in here?”

He glanced up, finding James paralysed next to the damaged table, his eyes and mouth wide open. Lily was there, too, but she had walked to the cot and was gathering Harry in her arms. Although Severus had no clue why the man had stopped, he knew he had to take his chance. Without a second thought, he ran upstairs, not stopping until he reached his —the— bedroom. He ignored Lily’s calling out his name.

He slammed the door shut behind him and looked around wildly. Harry was still crying, but it would not be long before they came after him. The bookcases would be impossible to move, as well as the wardrobe. There was a big wooden trunk, which refused to budge an inch despite pushing it with all his strength. He was not any more successful with the bed and he could already hear someone climb up the stairs. Out of desperation, he lunged himself against the door, jarring his injuries again —a part of him was starting to think there was more wrong with his body than he could see. He stayed there, trembling and with no real hope that he could keep them out. He curled up in a tight ball and tried to regain control over his breathing.

The knock on the door came far too soon. It was anything but loud and yet, it made him flinch anyway.

“Severus? Are you all right? May I come in?”

His head snapped up upon hearing Lily’s voice. He could almost feel like sobbing in relief. Then, he remembered all the horrible things he had said and the glass his magic had broken. He laid his forehead on his knees again and closed his eyes when they began to sting.

“Sev, darling, open the door. I just want to talk.”

He did not answer and, instead, listened for any signs that she was going to burst open the door. For a long moment, there was only silence. It was broken by faint, childish laughter at first and, later, by whispers between the adults. He swallowed when Harry’s babbling faded away. As nothing happened right away, he hoped with all his might that they had decided to leave him alone. It was useless, though, because it was their home and he could not avoid punishment forever. Still, he could not help wanting to put it off a little bit longer, just a bit.

Once again, he startled badly as there was a firmer knock on the door.

“Snape, open up. We’ve got to talk.”

It was James that time. Punishment was not to be delayed after all. He thought about staying where he was, making the man force his way in. As it was in his best interest to avoid as much pain as possible, he soon realised what a daft plan that was.

He was utterly trapped with these people —a fact that was dawning on him at the moment. Unlike back home, he could not escape his misery for even a couple of hours. There was no park to go to and they were both wizards. He had never been punished with magic, but his mother had mentioned the Dark Arts on more than one occasion and the three Unforgivable Curses. He shuddered when he remembered that James and Lily had also fought in a war and defied a dark wizard —surely, they knew spells beyond the Unforgivable Curses. At least, he had been careful enough to store some food. It would tide him over his punishment on the following days.

Another sharp knock startled him out of that train of thought.

“I’m coming in,” announced James.

Severus quickly scrambled out of the way, getting on his feet just as the man entered. The first thing he noted was the lack of wand. Even so, he put considerable distance between them and kept track of every move. James obviously picked up on it, but did not utter a single taunt. He looked around and Severus followed his gaze, noticing his worn-out garments scattered all over the floor. When his eyes returned to the man, he was tight-lipped and had taken a seat on the bed after carefully putting away some of the new clothes. Severus stood where he was, until James looked him in the eye and pointed with his chin at the spot next to him.

“Come on, lad, we need to talk.”

The last thing he wanted was to approach the bed, but he had already disobeyed enough. Besides, hitting would be far less effective if they sat side by side. Cautiously, he stepped closer and sat as further from James as possible. The older wizard made a disapproving sound and leant forward. Severus knew he should keep still and take whatever was coming but, before he could think about it, he had jumped back to his feet. The man froze, only to let out a short sigh and pick up some rumpled clothes the boy had sat on.

Realising he had misinterpreted the situation, he felt his cheeks heat up. He expected mockery, but James’s voice remained dry and neutral.

“Sit down, please.”

For once, Severus did as he was told right away. Still somewhat shaky, he climbed on the bed and fixed his eyes on his lap, tense as a bowstring. The ensuing silence was awkward and long, but he was not in a hurry to break it.

“Care to tell me why you did that?” came the question eventually.

He took in a shuddering breath. If James was looking for an explanation, there was a small chance he would be willing to lessen his punishment.

“Didn’t mean to lose control. Sir,” he added as an afterthought, properly cowed. He would have liked to be truly brave and keep his act up, but he feared what this stranger could do.

James let out another sigh, longer that time, and closed his eyes as he ran a hand through his messy hair. After a moment, he fixed his gaze on the boy, who followed all his movements out of the corner of his eye.

“Do you mean the magic thing?” he asked slowly.

Severus nodded, still avoiding direct eye contact.

“Well, _I_ didn’t mean that.” The retort was surprisingly light. Unwilling to fall for any tricks, he did not react. “I was referring to... Better start at the beginning, right? What was the fight about the bath really about?”

Severus almost scowled, but he realised that was probably the man’s goal: getting him to lower his guard.

“I needed to finish the chapter,” he answered through gritted teeth, unable to keep all his resentment from bleeding out. However, his tone went unremarked.

“No, you needed to go upstairs and wash before dinner,” James corrected, so calmly that it felt surreal. At that point, the boy would have expected a cuff at the very least. “What was so unreasonable about my request that made you go off on one?”

He was feeling like a twat for having lost his grip on his emotions like that. He shrugged, suddenly wishing James would just get on with it.

“What about running off? What sparked that?”

If it were possible, Severus folded in on himself more tightly. What answer could he possibly offer? Nothing would hide the fact that he was a snivelling idiot with a big mouth, too afraid to stand up to the consequences of his own actions. Again, he chose not to answer. He did not think the lump in his throat would have let him anyway.

“It’s important you look at me now, mate,” James said after a moment, sounding strangely subdued.

Severus risked a glance up and saw no signs of danger, which did not help him relax at all. He did make a Herculean effort to hold the brown gaze.

“I know we don’t like each other and you certainly irritate me no end. I’m not going to clobber you, though. You’re safe here.”

The boy watched him carefully, trying to understand what had been said. It made no sense. The man had basically admitted he did not stand Severus at the same time that he promised him safety. It was impossible to guess how one should react to that, which was turning out to be the worst part of the entire situation.

“Look,” said James, more curtly. His patience was seemingly running thin, even though it was him who had decided to play games with Severus. “You don’t have to be afraid of me, all right? I don’t...” He ground his teeth suddenly, as if the words were painful to get out. “I’m not going to hurt you, no matter how angry I become.”

Severus blinked. That statement did not clear things up in the slightest.

“What’s my punishment, then?” he could not help blurting out.

Judging by the man’s expression, it was not the right question. Still, he got an answer —sort of.

“Why don’t you tidy up your room? You should put your clothes in the wardrobe. Bath next and bed right after dinner. If your behaviour improves tomorrow, you may witness the perks of watching a film while Harry is soundly asleep.”

James got up as if he could not wait to leave the room. He did not sound particularly concerned with the lack of punishment, but Severus could not quite believe that was it. He waited for something else to happen as he watched the man walk towards the door. When he was about to get out, he did turn around and add,

“It’s silly now that you get dressed after your shower, but you should really wear your new clothes tomorrow. I reckon they’re warmer, even if you don’t like them very much.” Again, it was said in an even voice and Severus forced himself to keep his mouth closed, lest he gaped. He was aware of his staring, though, and James returned it with an undecipherable look of his own. “Hurry up, dinner will be ready in half an hour.”

He frowned, certain that it had been much longer than half an hour since James had sent him upstairs for the first time. Yet, aware that he had just been uncharacteristically lucky, he refrained himself from talking back. It looked like he would make it through another night.


	7. VI. Mr Lupin

Dinner was uneventful. James and Lily mostly talked about people Severus did not know and he was just grateful for being left alone. Once he finished eating, he went to bed without a word. He had even tried to take his time washing thoroughly, but he was worn out, his injury would not stop hurting and his arms felt clumsy when he attempted to rinse his hair. He had also tidied up the room before venturing downstairs and had almost been late to dinner. There had been no comments on anything, though, and the adults had acted as if things were normal. Their behaviour rattled him.

Being denied dinner should have been the lesser punishment after his earlier stunt. Yet, Lily had served him a generous portion of the same food that was meant for her and her husband. She had even asked if he wanted a second helping after he had polished off the plate. He had refused, distrusting their actual intentions. After that, he had gone to bed meekly.

Despite his exhaustion, he spent another restless night. At least, Harry was quiet, which should give the young parents a full night’s sleep. When the sun rose, Severus was already awake and, as soon as he heard them go downstairs, he headed to the bathroom. He took a moment to look at himself in the mirror. The bruises had faded completely, but his face still had its distinctive sallow hue and he looked sickly —just as he usually felt, in fact. His body hurt and his side was on fire. He could not see the wound very well, because the mirror was too high for that. In any case, it was as good a time as any to find some healing potions.

Listening out carefully for any footsteps, he walked to the master bedroom. As soon as he opened the door, he froze. The room was huge, even bigger than his, bright and decorated in deep crimson drapes and bedcovers. He made an effort to overcome his amazement, stepping inside. There was a huge wardrobe, a couple of chests of drawers and even a battered trunk. He hesitated before finally choosing one of the dressers. He pulled out a drawer within his reach with all his strength, but it did not budge in the slightest. Frustrated, he kept trying, realising magic must keep it shut, since there was no lock on sight. He tried with a few others, but everything he could reach was impossible to open and there were no chairs to propel himself into. With a mighty effort, he fought the urge to kick the furniture and stalked out of the room. Finding the damn cat waiting for him in the middle of the corridor did not improve his mood.

“Blasted animal!” he said in a quiet whisper. He had not been able to suppress a flinch and the knowledge of having been spooked by a fat cat made him even angrier.

He was behaving like a stupid baby, but it was unnerving how intense the feline eyes were. Suddenly, the cat got on its four legs and slipped through a cracked door. It was dark in that room and Severus guessed it was Harry’s. He should go downstairs, but he was not looking forward to confronting the adults, since he could not fathom what their disposition towards him would be. Thus, he let his curiosity win out and followed the cat.

There was no single source of light inside, only the reflection of two eyes near the floor. However, Severus could make out the outline of a cot in front of him. He could not say what moved him, but he walked towards it and, lifting himself up on his toes, he grabbed the bars and peered inside. He could barely distinguish the child sleeping there, but he stayed like that anyway, squinting down at the still form. Vaguely, he sensed the cat moving around the room, never getting quite close to them.

He was still lost in thought when he heard muffled footsteps just outside the room. In his haste to step back, he rocked the cot and a whimper came from inside. Right away, he knew he had messed up. He was lucky Harry had not broken into sobs at once.

The pathetic whimpers kept coming as the door was opened slightly wider and Lily stepped in. Cut against the light from the corridor, he could not see her expression.

“Severus,” she breathed. She did not sound upset and he relaxed, but did not move. She walked towards the cot and did not hesitate to pick up her son, who fell silent almost at once. “Something the matter? What are you doing here?”

He looked down, grateful that, in the dark, she could not see the blush that had crept up his cheeks. It was no surprise she thought he must be up to something. He shrugged, unsure of how to defend himself. After all, he had no good reason to be bothering Harry.

“Followed the cat,” he mumbled. He tried to look around for it, but found nothing.

“Oh, so you’ve met her already,” Lily said, back to her usual perkiness. She led him to the door and the three of them headed downstairs. “She’s a bit afraid of Harry, I think. He’s not very considerate towards her.”

Severus looked up, deciding her good mood was real rather than a front.

“What’s _considerate_?”

“Uh, considerate... That’s someone who’s kind to others.”

“Oh.” He nodded, but was unable to think of anything else to add as they approached the kitchen.

The fact that breakfast was just as ordinary and tasty as usual continued baffling the boy. Afterwards, he followed the steps of what would become his new routine: going back upstairs, adding a new prize to his food stash, dressing for the day and tidying up the room. He put on his new clothes without making a fuss that time and went to the living room to start working on Maths with Lily. They were reviewing old concepts and she seemed pleased to hear everything he already knew. They stopped shortly before lunch, when she told him he should take a break. Not knowing what to do, he stayed at the table, idly swinging his legs back and forth while listening to the clattering coming from the kitchen.

After lunch, Lily insisted once again he could take a break, but he had no idea what else he was supposed to do. Surely, she was not suggesting he should join them in playing with the baby. In the end, Lily stayed with him at the table and began teaching him to use a quill. They were just drawing simple shapes when Harry crawled to them, demanding to be picked up. Severus shot him a narrowed glance, hunching further over the sheets of parchment in front of him. He had never met a child so little before, but he did not think he liked this one all that much. He felt a sting of jealousy when Lily’s attention shifted away from him, despite knowing he had no business feeling that way. Resolutely, he focused harder on handling the quill the right way and applying the exact amount of required pressure. Meanwhile, Lily provided her son with some crayons and spare paper.

He hoped he had not made a face and it was a coincidence that she asked if he would like to draw, too. He shook his head, not looking up. It would have been nice to use whole crayons instead of bits and scrapes, but his assigned homework was the only task he had been asked to do. He could not afford to fail.

Harry kept wasting paper and trying to get some of Severus’s, so that Lily had to stop him constantly. The eight-year-old was starting to hate the sound of giggling and the awestruck looks on the young parents’ faces. Fortunately, a knock on the front door interrupted them a while later.

A little alarmed, Severus saw how both James and Lily took out their wands before James opened the door. Whoever it was said something that the boy did not catch, but James’s shoulders relaxed immediately and he turned around, grinning.

“Harry, look who’s come!”

Lily put away her wand and got on her feet, taking her son, as James let the stranger in.

He was a tall thin man with light brown hair. There were several scars crossing his face but, although Severus kept his guard up anyway, he did not look brutish the way he had thought a scarred individual would. For an instant, he smiled brightly at Harry and he looked years younger, similarly to James or Lily. Then, his dull green eyes spotted Severus and, in a fairly common occurrence as of late, the man froze. Once again, the toddler remained oblivious to any tension in the room.

“Unca Moony, Unca Moony!” he kept crying excitedly, stretching out his short arms until the man agreed to take him.

Severus did not miss the look he threw at the couple. It was Lily who answered his silent question.

“Remus, this is Severus. He’s staying with us for the time being.”

Remus’s eyes went wide open and he seemed to reassess the boy more carefully. Severus looked down, uncomfortable with the attention. Lily’s easiness when she had introduced him had not gone unnoticed and he shifted in his seat. His injury flared to life, though, in a reminder to mind it. For a moment, he was so focused on his own discomfort that he nearly missed the man’s following words.

“Nice to meet you, Severus.”

Black eyes shot up in surprise. It took him a couple of seconds to remember that he was supposed to answer back.

“Nice to meet you, too, sir.”

He hated adding the ‘sir,’ as using it was almost synonym to being in deep trouble. However, for once, an adult had sounded sincere and polite in his greeting and Severus wished to correspond in kind.

“Come with me, mate. We’ll make some tea while I explain everything,” James cut in, leading them both —plus the toddler still in Remus’s arms— out of the living room. Well, thought Severus quite morosely, there went whatever good opinion their guest could have formed about him.

He leant back, suddenly fed up with quills and letters. Lily came closer, putting a hand on his shoulder. Once again, he could not help that a tiny flinch crossed his body, but she did not call him out. Her touch made him nervous and yet, he could not bring himself to shrug it off.

“That’s enough for today. What would you like to do? We’ve got some wizarding games. Would you rather watch the telly, perhaps?”

Severus could picture how well it would go if James saw him play with their games or take over their television. He wished he could just get out of the house.

“Can I read?” he asked instead. Reading could be fun, even if it was not easy, and he did need to catch up with it.

Lily tightened her lips, but her grasp on his shoulder remained loose.

“Of course you may. Are you sure, though? You’ve been working all day.”

Despite having no clue what he had done to vex her in the first place, he was pleased to hear she thought he had been doing a fine job so far. He nodded and she squeezed his shoulder before turning away. With a swish of her wand and an _Accio_ , she summoned the book he had been reading the previous day. As soon as he saw it, Severus felt his stomach drop. No matter how hard he tried again, she would notice his lack of progress. He was going to make a fool of himself in front of their guest, too.

Oblivious to his musings, Lily resumed her seat next to him at the table. She suggested taking turns reading the text and he almost felt a smile fighting its way to his face. She answered all his questions, explained entire passages and not once did she imply he should already know something. When they were finally interrupted by James and Remus coming from the kitchen with tea and pastries, it seemed like a long time had passed —certainly, longer than making tea required.

Once again, despite Lily’s insistence, Severus refused to join them in front of the television. Thus, he was shocked when she left a mug of hot chocolate and some biscuits on the table nevertheless. Warily, he watched the group chatting lively and exchanging stories. Sometimes, their voices would become quieter and he could hardly catch fragments of their conversation. He half expected James to start ranting about their new intruder, but they did not seem to be talking about him. Eventually, Severus became bored and switched his attention to the telly, unable to force himself to continue reading on his own. Still, from time to time, he would peer in the adults’ direction, keeping tabs on them.

His boredom faded abruptly when silence warned him about the change of mood in the room. Tense as a bowstring, he watched them come closer and, for the first time, he wondered whether Remus’s reasons to visit were genuine. He fixed his gaze on Lily and tried to calm down when she smiled and took a seat, so that they were at the same eye level. The men remained standing and, rather than risk a glance at their faces, the boy chose not to look away from Lily.

“How are you doing, Sev?” she asked.

Far too aware of his keen audience, he did not hesitate to utter a curt, “Fine.”

“Listen up, lad,” James cut in, clearly impatient. He learnt forward over the back of Lily’s chair. “Can we trust you to behave if we leave you with Mr Lupin?”

It took Severus a moment to connect the name to Remus, who had coughed once, probably in an effort to hide some inappropriate reaction. When he gazed up at him, Lupin looked equally uncomfortable with being in the spotlight.

“Why?” he asked, even if it was not his place to do so.

He fixed his eyes back on Lily and avoided thinking about the reason why he could not find it within himself to look at James. It was just a matter of time that the man became angry again, because Severus could not help being difficult. However, James stayed quiet and it was Lily who answered.

“We may need to go out at some point, so Remus has agreed to watch you and Harry when that happens. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you about it beforehand. It’ll be okay.”

He did not reply right away. What could he say? Even if he did not need anyone minding him, they were not asking for his permission. Besides, someone did have to take care of the baby. He threw another brief glance at Lupin. He hated being carted off as if he could not do anything for himself. At least his parents did not bother with such nonsense.

And so, because there was nothing he could say, he just nodded. They would not want to hear empty promises about how well he would behave —in all likelihood, they did not trust a word he said, the same way he did not trust them.

After Lupin left, the evening was a downright disaster. Harry had not taken a nap earlier, so he was grumpy and refused to be fed and bathed quietly. Thus, it all took longer than usual and James and Lily could not start cooking dinner until the toddler was already asleep. The rest was blessedly peaceful and he decided not to risk nicking anything that time. He had added several biscuits to his food stash in an earlier trip to the loo and, even if Lupin was left in charge of them for a day, he would not go hungry.

As Lily carried some cutlery to the sink, James cast a _Scourgify_ without looking and a plate shattered.

“Shit,” he swore under his breath.

Severus thought it was very hypocritical that adults could use whatever foul language they liked and he was scolded for it. He hurried to finish his soup and got up to carry his plate to the sink as well.

“I’m going to take a shower,” Lily announced. She sounded utterly worn out. “Goodnight, Severus. James, you’re on duty tonight.”

“What?” James did not raise his voice too much, but Severus froze all the same. He knew peace could never last, but he had no wish to witness a wizarding fight between the couple anyway.

“I’ve got to be up early to work on... Moony’s project. Don’t whine, you can sleep in if Harry gets fussy tonight.”

Severus’s eyes shot to the man and he put the plate back on the table, ready to run as soon as the situation escalated. Even though Lily had spoken as calmly as ever, he could just guess how his father would react if someone ordered him around like that. James did look frustrated, but he seemed to vent his feelings by huffing and turning around.

“Ugh, fine.”

Lily had already left, though, and Severus, who had apparently forgotten how to move, was painfully aware that it was only him and James in the kitchen. He recovered quickly when the man turned back to him and strode forwards. He jumped out of the way, but James just reached for his plate and dropped it in the sink with the others. For a long moment, narrowed brown eyes stared at the frozen boy. Then, James clenched his jaw and looked away, casting _Reparo_ on the broken plate so forcefully that the shards were at risk of shattering again instead of merging together.

“Go to bed, Snape.”

Severus did not need to be told twice, even if the man sounded more weary than irritated.

Once tucked in bed, the boy realised they had forgotten to send him to shower. Back home, nobody cared if he washed every other day or once a week, but Lily and James had enforced that particular rule every day so far. If it were not for his injury, he would not actually mind, since hot water felt wonderful beyond words.

That sudden thought made one of his hands fly down to rest tentatively on his sore side. His mother would have made it better already... He did his best to stop his mind from wandering down that path. If it kept hurting, he would have to let Lily know, but not knowing how she would react was terrifying.

He wondered if Harry would make a habit of throwing tantrums often and desperately hoped he would not. The young parents had tried to soothe him, not letting go of their loving front once, but if that ruckus continued night after night, they would run out of patience eventually. Severus did not care to predict that sort of consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it. Please, leave a comment!


	8. VII. Bumps and Scratches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was quite hard to write emotionally and, if I did my job right, it should also be hard to read. Please, remember this story is told from the perspective of an abused child and it can get very stressful at times, so take care of yourself.  
> If you do keep on reading, please, leave a comment. I'd love to know what you think.

Severus was completely engrossed in the new book Lily had given him earlier that day. It contained plenty of moving pictures about the wizarding world and it had become his favourite right away. Thus, he had to make a huge effort to tear his attention away when his name was called.

“I need to make a quick trip to the loo. Would you mind watching Harry?” asked Lily.

For a change, Severus was on the couch. Lily was sitting on the floor in front of him, playing with her son. James was in the kitchen, apparently determined to make them dinner the Muggle way. The boy had no clue why and neither did he have the intention to find it out.

Severus looked at Harry, who was playing with his magical building blocks, and then at Lily. It would be the first time he would be alone with the baby —he did not count that time he had intruded in the nursery, for he still had no clue what had possessed him to do such a thing. He had no wish to mind Harry, but he did not know how to refuse.

“Sure,” he said, trying to remember it would only be a few minutes.

However, as soon as Lily was out of sight, Harry threw the first toy block at him and started gurgling. It was a hovering set, so rather than fall on the floor after hitting the lower part of the couch, it remained suspended in the air. Severus looked at the page he was on and closed the book, resolved not to look away from the little menace.

Harry threw another block with all his might, which was only slightly harder. It got on Severus’s nerves anyway.

“Stop it,” he warned, keeping his voice down.

Of course, his words were ignored. The next block was aimed at the telly and Severus felt his heart stop for a moment, until he saw the screen remained intact. Meanwhile, the toddler had the audacity to smile. He even crawled forward and grabbed the first block he had thrown. Jumping to his feet, Severus did not hesitate to take it away and hold it out of Harry’s reach.

“No! I told you to stop it.”

The only response he received was a pair of tearful green eyes and a whimper, all merriment forgotten. Severus felt his mouth dry and the familiar urge to run away. Harry tried to get up, losing his balance and latching onto Severus’s trousers. The older boy tightened his grip on the toy as Harry reached out for it. Feeling trapped, he stepped back.

“NO!”

He had not meant to lose his temper, but it deflated fast when Harry stumbled forward, unable to keep a firm grasp on the fabric. There was a second of absolute stillness as the baby fell. Then, the silence was broken by loud sobs.

Horrified and utterly paralysed, Severus could do nothing but watch. He knew he should make Harry shut up, but not one part of his body would obey him. Another voice made him jump.

“Lily? Everything all right?”

Immediately, James showed up at the kitchen door. As he took in Lily’s absence, his brown eyes became wide open and he strode towards them.

“What the bloody hell?” he yelled, picking up Harry and hugging him against his chest protectively.

He spared a glare at Severus before pulling away slightly to see his son’s face better. He took so long staring at it that Severus became afraid that Harry might be really hurt.

“What the hell did you do?” hissed James, quieter but just as threatening as before. He hugged Harry again and started rocking him in an attempt to soothe him. “I swear, Snape, if you laid a hand on him, you’ll regret it.”

The man stepped forward and Severus’s legs moved of their own accord to step backwards and keep his distance. He was to blame for the baby’s fall, but he had not done it on purpose, much less hit him. If he could explain himself, apologise and hope it would work that time, James might calm down. Yet, his tongue sat like lead in his mouth and he was not able to think about anything but the man’s angry face.

“Well? What happened? Where’s Lily?” he insisted.

Severus clamped his mouth shut, unsure of what sound would come out if he spoke. He wondered what James would do as soon as he could put his son down. The mere thought made his blood run cold. Harry was still crying, obnoxiously loud.

“Stop looking at me like that and answer, damn it!”

The boy was certain that he would have been thrashed by then if James’s hands were not otherwise occupied. He managed to swallow, feeling his throat scratchy, and tried to offer some excuse.

“I‒ I... I didn’t mean to. I’m s‒ so‒ sorry. Lily’s—”

“I haven’t got the time for this! What did you do?”

It seemed as if all his strength had been wasted on his pathetic blabbering. He wanted to explain what had happened, but the words refused to come. His eyes began to sting and he looked down, curling in on himself. Thus, he failed to see Lily come in, although he did hear her footsteps approaching in a hurry.

“What’s going on?” she asked, sounding breathless.

Severus dared peek up and was taken aback when she walked towards him and put an arm around his shoulders, facing her husband.

“I haven’t been away for five minutes. What’s the matter?”

“Why don’t you ask him?” James spat, though he had remembered to lower his voice once again so as not to scare Harry any further. “Perhaps he’ll deign to answer you.”

Severus wanted to disappear. He felt very stupid. If he had told what had happened the first time he had been asked, he may have avoided all that fuss. They must think he was a complete coward.

“Is Harry all right?” Lily whispered. Although she did not withdraw her arm, she did take a step forward, bringing Severus with her. Her eyes were fixed on her son, who was still letting out the occasional whimper.

“I think so,” James said, pulling away a little so that his wife could see as well. His voice did not sound entirely confident, though.

Severus waited with bated breath while Lily examined the toddler and did not know what to think when she turned back to him without a word. Despite removing her arm, she kept a light hand on his shoulder. She crouched down and tried to meet his eyes. When he looked down, she gently cupped his chin and made him lift his head. The gesture was so tender, bringing to mind a lost memory of his mother, that tears rushed to his eyes. He closed them tightly and resigned himself to whatever was going to occur.

“What happened, Severus?”

The question was as kind as ever and the surprise made him open his eyes. He steeled himself, locked eyes with her and forced the words out.

“I didn’t mean to make him cry. Didn’t hurt him, I swear. He just fell.”

He had forgotten about the toy block still in his tight grip until Lily pointed it out.

“Were you playing?” she asked.

Severus had the feeling that would please her, but not her husband. In any case, he could have lied, since Harry was too young to say otherwise. He did not want to, though. He was keeping enough secrets from her as it was. Thus, he shook his head. When no one spoke, he felt compelled to go on.

“He was throwing blocks at the telly, didn’t listen to me. I just wanted him to stop.” He gazed down at the toy and felt his throat closing down again, so he hurried his last words out in a whisper. “I took it. He tried to get it back and fell.”

It was not all the truth, but he could not bring himself to confess he had panicked when Harry had held onto him. He hoped they would believe him nevertheless. They had been lenient so far, they might let his mishap go with a light punishment.

“All right, it was just an accident,” Lily confirmed, squeezing his shoulder. “We need to be careful with Harry, but he’s learning to walk, so these things happen. There’s no need to be afraid, right, James?”

She turned to her husband, who had managed to quiet their son but was still frowning at Severus.

“Maybe it’s not a good idea to leave them alone, Lily.”

“James! It was an accident. And now’s not—”

“Harry was lying down, crying, and he just stood there watching. He didn’t even try to help him up. He’s clearly not capab—”

“He was just scared,” Lily cut him off, livid. “Now is not the time to have this conversation.”

Her defence should have warmed Severus, but it only heated up his cheeks. That was not the image he wanted to project. It was embarrassing that James’s mere bad mood could paralyse him. He also hated agreeing with the man, but he was not fit to mind a baby —which must have disappointed Lily quite deeply, even if she hid it well. He was sure James would say ‘I told you so’ as soon as Severus was out of earshot.

It was his opportunity to leave, although drawing attention to himself could also mean they might remember to discuss his punishment instead. Deciding it could not be that bad if it was not the first thing they had thought about, he decided to risk it.

“Can I go to my room, please?”

His voice came out far too tentative and he cringed inwardly. James would surely have loved denying his request, but Lily agreed after a moment. She gave him a last squeeze before letting him go. Hurrying up so that they could not change their minds, he took his book and left the living room.

Hours later, he had gathered up enough courage to tell Lily he was not hungry and would not join them downstairs. He had not been brave enough to throw a tantrum, but anyway she had been more willing to comply when he had changed his tone from haughty to pleading. Fortunately, he did not go to his food stash right away, because Lily came back a few minutes later, carrying a tray with juice, sandwiches and some fruit. She told him to rest before leaving and it was so baffling that he never managed to reply. The anger did not take long to come back to the surface.

At first, he was determined not to eat anything. It was only one meal, so it should not have been hard. However, his stomach had quickly become acquainted with eating regularly and it soon began to protest loudly. Temptation and the humiliation of being pitied waged war inside him for a long time. It would have been easier to hate them if they had punished him as they should, but he would show them he did not need them. And so, he curled up on the windowsill and focused his eyes on the street, picturing himself playing down there, being free.

Yet, his stomach was quite insistent, as it was much harder to resist hunger when the food was just on the bedside table. Lily came back at some point, opening his door quietly and frowning when she spotted the untouched food. He stole a glance at her, but she looked physically fine. He wanted to berate himself for his doubts — there had been no signs of a fight and, besides, he had no reasons to care. She came closer, asked him how he was and even tried to get him to go to bed. He refused to acknowledge any of her attempts and flushed violently when she still looked concerned rather than upset. Eventually, she gave up and left, but told him to rest once again. For some reason, her last words decided it for him: he would not touch the tray.

Cold and fatigue undermined his initial determination little by little. He fought going to bed, too upset to willingly face his dreams. However, when it had been dark outside for quite a while, he gave in and knelt in front of the huge bed James had transfigured for him. Getting under it, he eased the wooden slat and retrieved his old shirt. He intended to eat just some of the food to stave off the feeling of emptiness in his stomach. As soon as he took the first bite, though, he started gobbling it all down. He had to restrain himself to leave a chunk of bread and half a slice of pork. It was not as delicious as when it had first been served on the table —not by far—, but it filled him anyway. He wrapped the rest of the food in the fabric and hid it once again. For another moment, he stayed under the bed and listened to the nocturnal quiet. At last, he felt like he could go to bed, falling asleep not long after, still with a strange aftertaste in his mouth.

The following morning, when it was time to nick food from a perfectly ordinary breakfast, he almost wished he would be caught, out of spite. That strange feeling, born the previous night, promptly faded and he made sure to be as inconspicuous as usual. James did not even look at him and all the conversation initiated by Lily felt stilted. It suited Severus just fine, for he was much more used to treading carefully on strained atmospheres.

He ran to the bedroom upstairs, determined to stay there. He expected that Lily would have given up on her pretence of wanting to spend time with him and so, she would leave him alone if he kept out of their way. They could entertain themselves with their son. Just in case, he wasted no time in replacing the food he had taken.

He felt his heart stop when the door was opened. He was still lying under the bed, facing away from the door. For a moment, he remained rooted to the spot, holding his breath and daring not make a noise. Footsteps could be heard walking around the bed and, instinctively, he started a hasty retreat backwards towards the exit. Whoever it was felt the movement, though, and there was a voice just above him when only the lower part of his body was out.

“Severus? What—?”

It was Lily, but he was scared half to death anyway. He jumped, hitting his head and ribs on the bed slats, although it was the latter what made him cry out in pain. He gasped, trying to get some air in his lungs, and closed his eyes before any tears could escape. He hurried to get out completely and back to his feet, but Lily had already crouched down in front of him.

“You all right?” she asked softly. Her eyes travelled from his face to the top of his head, as if they were looking for something.

He nodded, lifting a hand to dry his unshed tears quickly. The movement unsettled his sore side again and he could not hide it. His arm stopped in mid-air and he doubled over himself just the slightest bit. It was enough to tip off Lily, whose tender worry turned into clear alarm.

“Sev? What is it? Are you hurt?”

He shook his head fiercely, taking a step back right away. The only thought in his head was that she could not know about it. She would ask questions he had no answer to —or she might not even bother. Somehow, both scenarios were equally frightening.

Hands seized him by the shoulders. He thought he should shake them off, but he could not get his body to obey. Lily’s eyes were suddenly very, very green.

“Hey, it’s fine. Whatever it is—”

Her voice was high-pitched, but he could not reply, could not reassure her. He tried to take a deep breath, but an awful choking noise got out instead. In a panic, he realised he was not breathing at all.

“Sev. Sev, can you hear me? You need to... _Severus_.” Lily stopped her own frantic rambling and slowed down her syllables as she called out his whole name. She started to rub his shoulders slightly, calmly, in a regular pattern. He just wanted to hide. As he could not, he looked away from her eyes and focused his gaze on her mouth, which was still moving. “You need to breathe, Sev. C’mon, follow my breathing.” Stupid as it was, he felt like he had forgotten how to breathe. Distantly, he was aware of his hand being taken and, then, gently pressed against something soft. It was warm, too, and a steady pounding could be felt under his palm. “That is, breathe in, breathe out. Feel my heartbeat. Can you do that?” He nodded numbly. Lily’s lips curved into a small smile. “Good. We are fine. Keep breathing. In and out. In and out. You’re doing great. It’s fine. We’re fine.”

He reckoned Lily kept murmuring pleasantries for a long time, maybe hours, while he focused on her touch. In truth, five minutes had not passed by when he began to make sense of his surroundings once again. Embarrassed, he realised she kept his right hand over her heart while still rubbing his left shoulder. She did not even look annoyed at kneeling on the floor while he trembled over nothing. He could not understand anything.

His breathing still sounded funny, but his head kept getting clearer and clearer. Lily seemed to notice this, because she let him go. Right away, he tried to put some distance between them and his back hit the drawer knob of the bedside table. He inhaled sharply, clenching his jaw to stop any sounds from escaping that time. It did not matter. She made a move to grab him by the arms, but seemed to think better of it.

“Severus, I need to see where it hurts. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to leave it alone. So, what is it?” she asked again and, once again, he marvelled at the lack of anger in her voice.

He felt like crying. He wanted to say something, anything. He wished he would stop feeling stupid.

Yet, because there was nothing he could do to regain control of the situation, he chose to maintain an illusion of it. He drew in a shaky breath and took off his T-shirt. Even though he moved slowly and carefully, he could not suppress another wince.

Not daring gaze up, he looked for his wound. It sported an angry red colour and it was swollen. He swallowed down, noting his mouth extremely dry. Lily had barely said anything about the bruises on his face but, after the fuss he had made, he had the feeling he would not get away so easily that time. Besides, she had been adamant about honesty.

He could not imagine what she would say and a part of him wanted to freeze time so that he would never know. He wondered whether she would think he was weak for not being able to heal himself or whether she did not have such high expectations for him. Examining the injury again, it did not look so awful anymore. Perhaps she would think he was a whiny baby.

A loud gasp interrupted his train of thought. He peeked up from behind his long hair, feeling too much of a coward to face Lily fully.

“My goodness, Severus...” She had covered her mouth with both hands and had her eyes wide open and locked on his body. “Is there—?” she began to say, but cut herself off and, very slowly, reached out. He let her turn him around, not attempting to utter a single word.

Her grip on his arms tightened when she saw his back, but he forced himself to stay still. Lily had not hurt him yet, but she might become angry if she thought he was trying to get away.

“Bloody hell,” he heard her mutter. The mild swear word sounded ominous in her hushed voice. “When did you get these? They look like they’re starting to get infected.”

He did not answer and she turned him around again so that she could meet his eyes. He kept them down.

“Why didn’t you say anything? You must be in a lot of pain.” Her voice had grown firmer and he heard her clear reproach. At least she did not think it was nothing. It was little comfort when it was dawning on him that she was no longer composed.

She released his arms and got back to her feet.

“Come,” she said, rather curtly.

He followed her, clueless as to what to do to fix the situation. She had finally become cross with him and who knew where she was taking him. Perhaps she wanted James to witness his shame, too.

As the thought of the man entered his mind, he felt his blood freeze. Lily had seen the marks of all his previous punishments. There was no way to mistake what they were. She must have realised how badly behaved he must be to merit them. Perhaps she had realised he should be punished for his insolence the previous days.

Thankfully, before any of those thoughts could fully form in his mind, they reached her bedroom. Severus hesitated at the door frame, unsure whether he was supposed to follow. Lily opened a high drawer with two taps of her wand and took out a huge book and an ornate wooden box. When she turned around and saw him, she relaxed her frown ever so slightly.

“Come in, sit down.” She sat on the bed and patted the spot next to her.

He obeyed and she repositioned herself to see his back better. As she busied herself with finding some page in the book, he could not help shuddering. He had had the hunch they kept the potions in their bedroom and he may have just been proven right. It looked like she was going to heal him, but he wondered what the cost would be.

Lily finished reading the page she had been searching for and Severus stole a peek just to see her perform a complicated pattern with her wand. Nothing happened and she clicked her tongue in annoyance. His head snapped forward. After a moment, he felt the slightest breeze and flinched in anticipation. However, whatever Lily had done did not hurt.

“Sev? Does it hurt to breathe?” she inquired after a very long, very tense silence. He shook his head slightly, but she insisted, obviously unconvinced. “You sure? There’s a lot of bruising and the spell says you’ve got two cracked ribs.”

He swallowed, trying to figure out whether his tongue would obey him that time. He was not sure, but he had to speak up at some point.

“I can breathe fine,” he whispered, suddenly burning with shame. For some reason, he felt like crying again. It was as if all his bad traits were etched on his skin for her to judge and mock. “I‒ I’m sorry,” he blurted out, almost too quiet to be heard.

“What are you apologising for?”

He had no idea how to answer that, so he stayed silent. Surely, she needed no reminder of what a burden he had turned out to be so far. She just sighed and squeezed his shoulder.

“It’s fine. Drink this,” she added and a small glass vial appeared in his field of vision. He stared at it, trying to identify the potion, and she clarified, “It’s for the pain.”

“I don’t need it. It’s not that bad.”

He was not sure why he was rejecting it. Perhaps it was to show her he did not mind a little pain. Perhaps, though, it was to show her he could bear the consequences and take care of himself. In any case, he would like to be out of those people’s debt as much as possible.

“It does look bad,” she retorted, unimpressed.

“I’m not gonna complain—” he started, but she did not let him finish his argument.

“Severus, please, take the potion. It’s going to hurt worse when I start prodding.”

Her last word gave him pause. Surely it was not so serious, was it? But of course it was, he answered right away, scornfully. Not treating his injuries always led to more pain. He had been foolish enough to forget it. He wanted to be stubborn and refuse again —not because he was afraid, he told himself—, but she was back at sounding like she had run out of patience with him and that was never a good thing. Steeling himself for what would surely be a bitter taste, he took the vial and drank it in one gulp.

After that, they barely talked. Lily would ask him some question, her voice carrying either concern or hardly repressed fury, and Severus would give her a non-verbal or a monosyllabic response.

The witch was focused on the task at hand for a long time. She gave him some Skele-Gro to speed up the healing process of his ribs and, although Severus was familiarised with its foul taste, he knew better than to comment on it. Still, she conjured a glass of water for him and he kept a tight grip on it as she worked on disinfecting his wounds. Judging by the pain and time it took, his back was just as bad as his side. Despite the numbness provided by the potion, his eyes watered on more than one occasion. Fortunately, he could wipe away any tears before Lily could see him. He also managed to hide his confusion whenever she would soothe him and mutter apologies.

At last, she applied a balm on all his injuries and bandaged them carefully. He tried to take a deep breath to get rid of the tension and, right away, Lily started to rub his shoulders as she had done earlier. He leant into her touch ever so slightly, as it was far easier to give in when he did not have to look her in the eye. Another long sigh escaped her lips and, eventually, she broke the silence.

“Do you feel better?”

He nodded, feeling strangely calm. He knew an unwanted conversation was about to take place, but at the moment he could not bring himself to care —at least, not until Lily broke the contact and moved to the edge of the bed, sitting next to him again.

“I know... I know someone did that to you. D’you want to talk about it?”

He shook his head fiercely. Under her apparent restraint, Lily’s attempt at nonchalance was a façade. She must already be aware that they were the result of his misbehaviour. There was no use in dwelling on it. He did not need to know what her opinion was on the matter. James and Lily clearly adored their son, so what could they possibly think of the methods Tobias had to resort to? Sooner or later, everyone realised what an awful boy he was, so it was a wonder they had yet to punish him. Even though what Lily had seen would likely shatter the illusion, he was not going to give them any more ideas.

“Will you at least tell me why you hid them? You lied to me when I asked.”

The question had come out resigned, but her last reminder sounded firmer. He was aware that she had a right to be angry, but it sparked his own temper anyway.

“Not your bloody business,” he bit out.

Lily had been trying to meet his gaze unsuccessfully, although Severus kept watching her out of the corner of his eye. As soon as he spoke, her hand reached out. He closed his eyes, ready for that sort of response, but there was only a hand gently cupping his cheek and turning his head. He opened them and faced Lily’s serious look.

“It _is_ my bloody business, actually. You’re in my care now and I want to know if you’re hurt, even if you think it’s not that bad.”

There was no mistaking now that she was angry and he nodded to avoid making the situation worse. He told himself he did not care about what she was feeling. All that mattered was that she had healed him, so he no longer had to deal with it. His mother had taught him to take his chances and worry about one problem at a time.

Lily let him go and got up. He followed suit and watched her put her things back in the drawer, which was sealed again with a tap of her wand. Then, she promptly dashed his hopes of returning to the peace of his bedroom.

“Come on, Severus. There’s still time to practise with the quill before lunch. I’ve got a Potions book I reckon you’ll like.”

His heart fluttered a little, excited at the mention of potions. He had better get used to feeling baffled, for it seemed things still refused to make sense in that house.


	9. VIII. Sweet Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't thank you enough for all the kind words. I'm not always the most eloquent in my answers, but just know that I love replying to your comments and treasure every nice thing you say to me. As usual, I hope you enjoy this chapter and let me know what you think.

The day his injuries were discovered turned out to be surprisingly unremarkable. As promised, he and Lily had reviewed some potions and he had been tasked with copying down a familiar one. It was a painstakingly slow process, but she said they could brew it together sometime. While the prospect of brewing again had been the source of some excitement and anxiety, it had also stirred confusion within the boy. He may have been tempted to think it was meant to be a punishment or a way to keep a close eye on him, but Lily had implied it was actually his reward for his hard work. He had thought she was angry at him, but her behaviour did not make sense. He had no idea which option was stranger: that he might have been mistaken or that he had already been forgiven for some miraculous reason.

In any case, she had kept being nice to him and he could not, for his life, figure out why. All the ulterior motives he came up with were plainly ridiculous. At least she had not asked him to mind Harry again —not that James would have let her, the man had been glaring at him every time Lily passed by her husband’s side without a word. When Severus thought about it, James and Lily had hardly talked at all since the incident with Harry. However, rather than attempt to solve yet another mystery, he was just grateful they had let him off the hook.

That very night, Lily walked him to bed and insisted on seeing his wounds again. He still felt like he was playing a game without knowing the rules, but he let her do. She removed the bandages, reapplied the balm and redressed his wounds with the utmost care. Then, she pulled back the covers and, before he could read her intentions, she had tucked him in. He stared at her until she left the bedroom. All her actions made him want to trust her, even if that was probably her plan.

That desire was tested the following morning, when Lily told him to take a shower after breakfast so that she could tend his injuries again. Her hand reached out and, although his first impulse was to duck, he managed to keep mostly still when she only ran a hand across his hair. She crouched down and he peeked up, seeing a small smile curve her lips.

“It must’ve been hard, rinsing long hair with your... your injuries.” He blushed, but her smile grew wider after wavering ever so slightly. “Would you like me to help?”

His cheeks became even hotter and he shook his head quickly.

“It would be no trouble,” she insisted. “My mum used to do it for me when I was little and couldn’t get all the shampoo out.”

“I ain’t little,” he muttered. He wanted to look away from her kind eyes, but felt trapped by her touch. “Shouldn’t need no help,” he added.

“You’re eight, Sev. There’s no shame in asking for help sometimes.”

Her voice compelled him to believe her, even if she went against everything he had ever known. At last, he tore his gaze away, offering no answer. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her smile become strained.

“Come on, we’ll run you a bath. You soak in there for a while, wash yourself. When you’re ready, call me and I’ll come in and help you. I bet you’ve never used hair conditioner. Mine is homemade, I improved my favourite Muggle brand. It makes your hair really soft.”

Her artificially cheerful tone made him wish he would become really, really small, so that he could escape the intensity of her gaze. He felt so embarrassed that no words came. Yet, it _had_ been hard to wash his hair the last and only time he had tried, even if there was hot water and posh shampoo that made lots of foam. He gave her a tight nod, trying not to think about what he had just agreed to.

Once in the bathroom, Lily turned on the tap to start running a bath, but left him to it, saying she would bring him clothes when he called for her. As soon as she closed the door after herself, the knot in his stomach lessened ever so slightly. He knelt beside the bathtub as it filled with water, feeling somewhat excited at the prospect —it would be his first proper bath, since he could not remember those his mother gave him as a baby.

His anxiety did not take too long to return, as time passed by and the bathtub took forever to fill. He fidgeted as he watched it, suddenly worried that Lily would think he had been wasteful. He always made sure to take quick showers, so he had not actually found out how much water he was allowed to use.

He dipped his finger into the water and tried to focus on enjoying its warmth. Lily had given no warnings about how much he could fill the bathtub. If he overstepped some unspoken limits, he would probably just lose the privilege of any more baths. He had survived without them so far —he would be fine. Despite all his attempts to calm his fears, he felt an incredible relief when, at last, it was nearly half full. He hurried to turn off the tap and took off his clothes and bandages. He got in and lowered himself slowly, even though his injuries barely stung. He could not remember ever having recovered quite so fast before.

Not knowing very well what to do with himself, he just remained seated at first, taking a look round. Then, he tried to lean back and relax like he had sometimes watched on the telly. Soon enough, however, he found himself mesmerized by the ripples that would break in the water every time he moved. He started splashing around carefully, lost in thought, growing bolder. For a short while, he was only a child enjoying himself, dunking his head in the clear water and attempting to hold his breath for as long as possible.

The moment was broken when it became cool and the first shiver startled him. There was no sign of Lily yet, so he hurried to wash himself. And yet, when he was done, he was conflicted about calling for her. Although she had told him to do so, she probably had better things to do than wash his hair. Fortunately, a knock on the door solved his dilemma.

“Sev? Everything all right in there?”

“Yes!” he answered right away, feeling how his heart began pounding —which made no sense, since he should not be scared of Lily. She had not hurt him so far. She had insisted on helping. She would not be annoyed. “Yeah, you can... You can come in,” he said, a bit more calmly. Still, he could not help the tremor in his voice any more than he could stop himself from watching apprehensively how the door opened.

Lily shot him a grin and a light ‘Having fun?’ as soon as she entered. She left his clothes on the toilet lid and looked round in search of something, before choosing a towel that she transfigured into a tall stool. She did not seem to notice his star-struck expression every time he observed her perform magic with easiness.

As she took a seat next to the bathtub, his gaze slipped away. He did not know what to expect, but it was not her dipping a finger into the water and clicking her tongue. With another wave of her wand, the water became steaming hot once again. It was an extremely pleasing feeling, although Severus could not bring himself to fully enjoy it at the moment.

“Will you pass me the shampoo, please?” she asked after a moment. He obeyed without a word.

He forced himself to remain still when her hands came close to his head. He vaguely remembered his mother helping him wash when he was very little and he was not prepared at all for the wave of longing that swept over him. He really missed her and he wished he could show her that nice house —and see her do magic and have her read Lily’s books. Briefly, he wondered why Lily had not cast a cleaning spell on him and saved herself all that trouble. From time to time, Eileen took out her wand and cleansed their clothing when she was sure Tobias would not notice. It could surely be performed on a person, too.

His musings were cut short as Lily started to work on his hair. He would never have thought he would enjoy another’s person constant touch, but hers was so gentle that he felt the tension on his shoulders fade away little by little. She did not tug or pull at his hair, handling it with care instead. At once, he became aware that he had feared she would take the chance to finally hurt him. And she had not even laughed at him, not once.

She did not talk, either, just hummed tunes at times. The boy was grateful for that as well, since it let him focus on the sensations completely. She washed his hair thoroughly and also scrubbed the nape of his neck and behind his ears. After the shampoo, she applied hair conditioner and told him they had to wait for a couple of minutes before rinsing. She even taught him a trick to count the seconds and he committed it all to memory, determined to follow her example.

At last, she announced they were done and told him to pull out the plug as she handed him a towel. He got out and wrapped it around his thin body. Lily dried his hair with a smaller towel and took a comb to it. He could not help tensing up, because in his experience brushing his hair always hurt. Yet, once again, there was nothing to dread. Lily clearly knew what she was doing. She separated each strand of hair before brushing it and kept a hold of it to avoid pulling as much as possible. She also stopped at each knot, working on it until it disappeared and the comb ran smoothly through his hair.

“Well, that’s done,” she announced, caressing his locks. “I’ll leave you to get dressed now. I’ll be waiting for you in your room, all right?”

He nodded, feeling utterly inadequate. He made an effort to add a quiet ‘Ta’ that was rewarded with another nice smile.

Hastily, he put on his new clothes, more relaxed since the bath had gone well and was behind him. He was not a baby and knew that he should not have needed help with something as basic as washing his hair, but Lily had not made him feel like such. He kept trying to get his mind around it as he walked out of the bathroom.

In the bedroom —he truly wanted to let himself think of it as his and, for the first time, his wish did not seem entirely nonsense—, he took off his shirt without prompting. Lily sat on the —his— bed and he stood in front of her, facing away. She took a moment before starting to apply the balm.

“These are looking well,” she said encouragingly. “How d’you feel?”

“I’m fine,” he replied right away. On that occasion, he could hear certainty in his own voice.

She made another approving noise, but did not comment any further. When she finished, she turned him around completely, so that they faced each other. He was reluctant to look her in the eye, but made an effort.

“They’re mostly healed, no infection anymore. I’m going to keep treating them for a few days, though, so they don’t scar.” He looked down, self-conscious about all the marks that she must have seen. Lily cupped his chin and made him raise his eyes again. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Only the monster who did it should be ashamed.”

Severus could not even picture that thought. He fixed his eyes on her mouth, uncomfortable with the fury that he could see in her green gaze.

“It’s okay, was my fault.”

“Don’t ever say that again,” she snapped, tightening her grip on his chin. “Whoever did this to you had no right,” she added, stressing the last two words.

“You don’t know what happened,” he accused immediately as his eyes shot up for a fleeting moment.

As tempting as it might sound, he refused to believe her comforting lies. It was more likely that she was just being kind, even if she carried a certain fierceness as well.

“Why don’t you tell me, then?” She was trying to meet his eyes, but he refused once again and stayed silent. She pursed her lips. “Don’t you think I can guess who did it? There’s no possible excuse for this abuse, Sev.” Then, she softened her voice and cupped his cheeks with both hands. Despite the tension, he wanted to melt into her touch. “You can tell me about it. I’d really like to hear it from you.”

He did not understand why she was so interested in knowing his version. If she could truly guess, then there was no need for it. Perhaps she wanted to know what he usually did to earn those punishments. As much as she may think she had the right to know, he could not bring himself to share anything. In a show of great patience, she let him go and ran a hand across her red hair, keeping her exasperation mostly to herself.

“If that’s what you need, I’ll wait for you to be ready,” she said after a very long silence. She had a newfound determination. “Just know that you can come to me at any time, all right? Any time, I mean it.” She took his T-shirt and helped him put it back on, since he was too puzzled to even try to respond. Then, she put her hands on his shoulders, as if she could convey her words better through physical contact. “You didn’t deserve it. I swear you didn’t.”

There was a lump in his throat that would have stopped him from answering even if he had found words that would calm Lily down. His silence did not please her, either, but she let him be. She had no idea what she was talking about —it was just another sweet lie.

* * *

Severus woke up feeling chilled to the bone. He could barely feel the weight of the blankets and, when he opened his eyes, a gloomy sight awaited him.

His old room was dimly lit, but he recognised it at once. His window was open —perhaps that was the reason why it was so cold.

He remembered another room, brighter and full of books, and wondered whether he had truly been able to make up such a fantasy. It did not matter. Hearing creaking downstairs, he knew he had to go. He supposed it had been a nice dream while it had lasted.

Fear was gentle as it ran up and down his spine. He tried to pay it no mind. It could be his mother. She might want to hear about his dream.

He was suddenly in front of his bedroom door, which looked unscathed. He opened it and stepped into the kitchen.

Someone was making a teapot on the run-down stove, but it was neither his mother nor his father. It was James. The image was jarring only for a moment. Then, Severus remembered James cooked sometimes.

The man frowned when he turned around and spotted him. That was also normal, so the boy felt somewhat at ease. He even managed to ask if he could help.

There was something strange in the atmosphere, though. He could feel it clearly even if he failed to identify what it was. He received no answer and the dense silence started to get on Severus’s nerves.

The kitchen grew dark all of a sudden, almost at the same time that James opened his mouth.

“What are you standing there for, you good-for-nothing idiot? Make yourself useful. You’re a disgrace, a waste of space...”

The man continued hurling insults at him, but the boy had stopped listening as soon as he had realised the voice did not belong to James, but to his father. Any train of thought was broken when James —or whoever it was— took a step forward. Severus had no wish at all to stay and find out what was going on.

He ran.

His legs carried him to the front door in a macabre déjà-vu, crossing the familiar shabby corridor. As it had happened in the other house, the door was firmly shut. There was no way out.

He turned around, pressing his body against the wood —his body, which did not hurt, because Lily had healed him in his nice dream. James kept coming closer, although Severus could swear that, if he squinted his eyes, it was not James’s face the one he saw.

A wand was pointed right at him and he was unable to defend himself because he did not know any magic. He thought about his mother’s wand, hidden away in the cellar. If he could reach it... If he could just...

The man kept coming closer and the cellar seemed very far away. Severus searched hopelessly for another solution, even though he knew he deserved whatever was coming.

And then, he woke up, again.

He woke up with a desperate gasp, as if there was not enough air in the room. He bolted upright in the huge soft bed, fighting against the heavy duvet. He looked round with eyes wide open and saw that he was not in his old room. It had been real, then. His nice dream had not been a dream. Dumbledore and Lily and all the rest had really happened. James cooking in his sad little kitchen was the actual nightmare.

For the first time, Severus understood the urge to weep in relief. Yet, there was also some sorrow and he had no clue which emotion brought tears to his eyes in the end.

He was also relieved that he had not had an accident. He was far too old to wet the bed anymore and, indeed, it had not happened in years. Yet, he often woke up afraid that it had, especially after such a nasty nightmare.

Finally, he gathered enough strength to jump to his feet, although he had no idea what to do next. He just wanted the sun to rise already, so that it would banish the remnants of his dream. He could not stand the thought of going back to bed and would gladly have gone out of the room if he had not been afraid of waking up any of the others.

He tried to browse the library he had barely paid attention to before, but it was still too dark to see clearly. He did not dare switch on the lights, either.

The emotions in his chest kept growing, as did his anxiety. When he felt like he would explode, he went as far as to open his door a crack. On the other side, the silence was as absolute as the dark. For a long moment, he stood there, peeking outside without the smallest attempt to step out. His mind was quite louder, for fear pounded in his ears and there was room for little else.

He felt the movement before he saw the cat. She emerged from James and Lily’s room with measured steps. Her bright eyes stared at the boy and she stopped just in front of him. He took a step back, shamefully scared, and almost closed the door. However, he hesitated long enough for the cat to run past him. She got inside and sat in the middle of his room. Slowly, he closed the door without a noise and turned around to stare back at her.

He did not know why she unnerved him so much. Maybe it was because he felt she looked at him accusingly, as if wanting to tell him he did not belong in that family. Right then, however, it seemed to him that she looked more curious than anything else. Swallowing his nervousness, he sat down on the floor and reached out, waiting for her to move. His resolve wavered slightly when she kept staring at him, but eventually she came forward, stalling and stopping often. Severus could understand her behaviour and forced himself to be patient. In fact, he was a bit marvelled that she was trusting him at all.

At last, she was within his reach, sniffing his fingertips. Severus waited with bated breath for a few seconds, until she butted her big head against his hand. He was too shocked to move and she took the chance to circle him, rubbing against him all the while. She came back within his field of vision and butted her head against his knee a couple of times. Then, she walked away, as if to explore the room. He had barely had time to enjoy the softness of her fur.

As soon as she disappeared under his bed, the events of that night came crashing down. He felt a different sort of loneliness from the one he was used to. He needed no cat to tell him he did not belong. The only place he belonged to was his dreams and he hated that knowledge.

He did not even realise he had begun crying until the first salted tears reached his lips. Unable to stop, he brought his knees to his chest and hid his face. A while later, a low miaow startled him and compelled him to look up. The cat had come back and was rubbing against his legs again, trying to catch his attention. He indulged her, daring scratch her behind the ears. He was happily surprised to receive a short purr in return. He smiled a bit, even though tears were still running down his cheeks. He decided he needed to find out her name. She was no longer a dumb cat.


	10. IX. The Babysitter

After the incident with Harry, things had become even more confusing. At first, James had glared at him, which was certainly expected, but he had stopped the following day. He would not even look in Severus’s direction, let alone talk to him, angrily or otherwise. At least the couple seemed to have made up and the boy reckoned it was a good sign. That must have helped Lily to be calmer when she tended his wounds as well.

Harry, as inarticulate and young as he was, was equally puzzling. His curiosity for the older boy had not faded away and he kept trying to draw Severus’s attention when they were near. He had made him cry, but the toddler had yet to learn his lesson. Severus thought it was obvious no one would ever find a playmate in someone like him and wondered whether children so young forgot things from one day to another.

Considering all that, his encounter with the cat was looking less and less bizarre. The previous night, he had even managed to doze off after her visit calmed him down. She had stayed with him until he had sat on the bed. Secretly, he had hoped she would join him. It was a silly and dangerous thought. He had no idea whether Lily and James approved of their pet climbing on their expensive, clean furniture. In any case, the cat had remained on the floor with her green eyes fixed on him. Eventually, Severus had got back to his feet to open the door, so that she could go out. He had fallen asleep not long after.

He had intended to find out her name that morning, but all thoughts about the cat were forgotten when Lily told him that she and James needed to take care of some business outside, so they would be gone most of the day. Apparently, Lupin had agreed to come and babysit them. Severus scowled at the term, which elicited a brief chuckle from Lily and relaxed her features.

“All right,” she conceded, with a half-smile. “He’ll babysit Harry, but also be here for you.”

It did not make things much better, but he could hardly complain. He did not think he would be able to watch a baby for long, even if he tried to do better. And so, it was a good thing they had not thrust the responsibility upon him, even if it meant tolerating another unknown adult.

Lupin had seemed harmless enough in his friends’ presence, but Severus could not rely on that knowledge. The man was fond of Harry and may not mind taking care of him. Surely, he had not signed up to keep Severus entertained.

Although the boy was determined to keep out of the way and offer no pretext for discipline, he would not be surprised if he messed up anyway or if Lupin decided he needed a lesson nevertheless —if he had heard about how Severus had made Harry cry only to get away without any sort of punishment.

Unconsciously, he bit his lip and was startled out of his thoughts when Lily took his hands. As always, she was a comforting presence and he forced himself to picture his food stash in his mind. Even if Lupin refused to feed him, he could just hide out in his room and they would be none the wiser.

And yet, fear won and he felt a question forcing its way out.

“Will you be back tonight?”

Belatedly, he heard the desperation in his own voice and looked away, ashamed.

“Of course. We’ll be back for dinner.”

Lily’s assurance held no rebuke and Severus nodded, swallowing his relief. Shortly after, Lupin arrived. He was received warmly, just like the previous time. The adults talked for a while, laughing at ease in the middle of the living room. Harry had already been moved to Lupin’s arms and was gurgling in apparent delight as well. Severus felt resentment clawing up his throat, but forced himself to lock those emotions away. He had already caused enough trouble.

Finally, it was time to go. Lily gestured at him to come closer and, hesitantly, he got off the couch. Meanwhile, James seemed to be going over some instructions. Judging by his friend’s replies, it was not the first time.

“And you’re sure Pads knows nothing, right?” James was saying when Severus passed by his side.

“I am. He’s in some Order business. He doesn’t even know I’m here today.”

That information seemed to relax James, who nodded just before the boy focused his attention on Lily.

“We have to go now, but I bet you’ll get on well with Remus.” He looked at her dubiously. “Listen to everything he says and help him with Harry. You can tell me all about it tonight.”

Severus nodded again, but there was something in Lily’s forced smile that made him think she was not saying everything on her mind. She crouched down, reaching out and putting a lock of black hair behind his ear.

“Have fun,” she finally told him before she straightened up and missed his look of utter confusion.

She joined the others and Severus followed just a few steps behind, so that he could listen to their conversation as well.

“We should go now. We’ll be back before dinner,” she repeated.

“Don’t worry about us, we’ll be fine,” retorted Lupin, smiling. Severus thought he sounded far too confident. “Be safe.”

“We’ll be careful,” James promised. For the first time, Severus wondered where they were going and what they needed to do.

Lily took back her son just to snuggle him while James kissed him goodbye, too. It all looked rather solemn to Severus, who felt suddenly very uncomfortable. Luckily, the moment did not last long.

“Be good for Uncle Moony and Sev,” whispered Lily before putting Harry back in Lupin’s arms.

The toddler did not seem to mind leaving his mother’s embrace and, turning to Severus, started chanting ‘Sev, Sev, Sev!’ to the older boy’s embarrassment. Everyone turned their attention to him, so there was nowhere to hide. He experienced a mix of relief and uncertainty when, with a last goodbye from Lily, he was left alone with the stranger and Harry.

He looked up at Lupin, wary of what would happen next, but the man looked a bit clueless himself. Yet, he promised himself he would not become overconfident.

“What would you like to do, Severus?”

The boy barely managed to bite back a snort. He would never fall for such a clumsy attempt to get him to open up, but he had a long day ahead and needed to be smart about his behaviour.

“Lily says I gotta do schoolwork.”

“Oh, well. All right, then.” Lupin blinked, ruining his adult poise.

Although she had not actually set anything for him, Severus reckoned he could read for a bit and even work on his penmanship. He wished more than anything to escape their awkward interaction. Suddenly, an idea came to mind.

“Mr Lupin, can I go read in my room? I really need to focus.”

A silence ensued and he was sure his request would be denied.

“Unca, unca.”

Thankfully, Harry broke the moment. Lupin bounced him a little and his attention became divided. To Severus’s surprise, he ended up agreeing.

“Sure. You can always come to me if you get bored or need anything.”

Severus maintained his expression as neutral as possible and nodded politely. Then, knowing that he could manage on his own perfectly, he ran upstairs.

* * *

The morning passed slowly, at least initially. He gave another try to _A History of Magic_ , but it remained as tedious as ever. Wizarding history was much more interesting when someone told him stories about it. Perhaps he could get Lily to share some the next time they were alone.

He soon put down the book and yet, he refused to whine because of boredom. He had all morning to himself and, for the first time in a while, he was not hurting anywhere. He knew he should enjoy it —he was just not very sure how.

He took a careful look round. On the only occasions he had had time alone in the —his— room, he had been either too tired or too upset to explore it properly. And so, he set out on his mission with diligence. Besides three huge bookcases filled with books almost till the ceiling, there was the imposing wardrobe where all his clothes were stored and the heavy-looking trunk he had yet to open. His attention was drawn to the latter right away and he toyed with the large latch.

Although he was afraid of being caught snooping around, he also felt a thrill running through his veins. A slight disappointment replaced it when he found nothing but wooden boxes of several shapes and sizes. He stared down at them for a few seconds, before stealing a look backwards, at the door and making the decision to open it. It was his best opportunity, as Lupin was currently busy with Harry.

He chose a worn big flat box with carved designs. It was heavy and he needed to use his two hands, in addition to getting half his body inside the trunk, to retrieve it. In awe, he lifted the small golden latch of the box. Both halves formed a square surface when Severus separated them gently. In the inside face, there were plenty of black and white squares drawn on it. It took him a moment to realise he was holding a chessboard.

He ran his fingers across it, noting all the little crevices. All of a sudden, a high-pitched voice rose out of the blue and he took his hand back with a start, almost dropping the board in the process. The boy jumped to his feet, looking round, but there was no one else in the bedroom. He was still trying to decide whether he had imagined it when he heard the voice again, quite clearly. Realising it came from below, he looked down and his eyes stopped on the board.

Several high-pitched voices seemed to come from inside, although Severus could not distinguish what they said in their cacophony. He felt his eyes go wide and knelt on the floor, placing the board next to him. There was a knot in the pit of his stomach, but he had no idea whether it was due to nervousness or excitement.

He touched the painted squares again, trying to feel something different. He did not really do anything, but with a soft click, the top half of the board went up. His heart was in his throat, but his worry lessened slightly when an army of black and white figures emerged from inside. When the last one got out, the board returned to its flat state and the chess pieces placed themselves on both sides of it —whites on one end and blacks on the other. Marvelled, Severus stared at them, until the tallest white one —the king, he realised with another thrill— yelled at him.

“Well, will you play or do you expect us to do all the job?”

The boy closed his mouth, aware that he had been gaping. He swallowed down in an attempt to soothe his racing heart. He was talking to chess pieces, enchanted chess pieces!

“I, um... I can’t really play,” he stammered out.

His mother had told him about wizarding chess and he had even recovered an old board from the rubbish, along with most pieces. They had never played much, though, and he was sure he had forgotten all the rules. His father should not have been bothered by the game, since it was a Muggle one, but he always found fault with everything his son did and that was no exception. Tobias thought chess was not a suitable activity for boys, but Eileen had assured him he would be able to play it at Hogwarts as much as he wished. Yet, that knowledge did not change his present reality: he did not know how to play.

“Well, boy, choose a side and get on with it! We’ll teach you,” the black queen told him in the same impatient tone.

“Oh, um...” Severus looked at the pieces again. “Black?”

His voice was tentative, but the pieces took his choice to heart. Right away, the black ones started shouting encouragement and chaotic instructions at him, while the white ones booed the others and vowed that their suggestions were worthless.

Severus hardly said a word, feeling quite overwhelmed. He did try to intervene on a couple of occasions, but the pieces kept fighting among them, paying him no mind. He was working up his courage to grab a pawn and move it forward, since it was the only move he remembered, when there was a knock at the door. Jumping, he tried to grab all the pieces quickly to hide them, but only managed to knock them over the board. The door opened and revealed Lupin with Harry in his arms. The man looked around curiously before spotting Severus and leaving the toddler on the floor to quieten his protests. To the older boy’s dismay, the loud fury of the pieces drew Harry’s attention at once. The toddler crawled towards them while Severus stared at the intruders in frozen horror.

He berated himself for his carelessness. He should have been more attentive, should never have let all the pieces out. Now James would know their unwanted guest had used what little trust he had been given to snoop around and take what did not belong to him.

Oddly, Lupin did not lose it. He only smiled.

“Sorry to interrupt your game, but lunch is ready.” Severus fixed his eyes on him, trying to figure out why the man was so calm. Besides, whenever an adult said ‘sorry’ to him, it was delivered in a mocking tone. Lupin, however, sounded earnest. “Do you want me to perform a freezing charm on the pieces? I’m afraid that, if you leave them alone, there will be bits scattered all over the place by the time you come back.”

Severus still had no idea what was going on, but he supposed he should answer something —he did not want to test anyone’s patience because of his own stupidity. Besides, the sooner he complied, the sooner Lupin would take Harry away.

“I‒ It’s fine. I’ll put it away.”

The man waited for Severus to finish tidying up, although he did step in to take one of those chubby hands, effectively stopping Harry’s advance. The toddler got to his feet, grinning openly at Lupin, and Severus looked away. He only wanted to be left alone again. Yet, it was a useless wish and so, they all headed downstairs at Harry’s excruciatingly slow pace.

Remarkably, lunch was fine. Lupin asked some things, but he was not upset with Severus’s curt answers and he did not push too much, either. Afterwards, the man let him help to tidy up the kitchen.

“I’m going to put Harry down for a nap. Would you care for a game of chess?”

The offer was tempting, since Severus really wanted to observe the enchanted pieces for a while longer. However, he refused to admit he did not know how to play.

“I still need to do stuff,” he said instead.

He was a bit surprised to find out he actually felt bad for having wasted an entire morning and had to remind himself that there was nothing Lily had told him to do.

“Well, why don’t you stay in the living room with us? I may be able to help you finish faster.”

Severus scowled before he could think twice. Lupin had worded his order as gently as his previous suggestion, but the boy would not be fooled. While he had not expected to be left on his own again after having been caught slacking, it was disappointing all the same.

Biting back a curse and letting out a huff instead, he walked out of the kitchen. He headed for the drawer where Lily kept parchment as well as writing utensils. He also retrieved the Potions book to copy one of the recipes and juggled everything until he reached the table. Once his hands were free, he threw himself into the chair carelessly. Luckily, no one noticed. He unstopped the ink bottle, dipped the quill and set himself to the task.

He had intended to have something to present Lily with, but Lupin was walking Harry up and down the living room and he could not focus. It was the first time he used the quill without supervision, too, and he was making a mess of things. The words were long and difficult and, without Lily’s help, he often had to stop to check the spelling, resulting in ink dripping everywhere. By the time Lupin was free and approached him, the boy was feeling too frustrated to remember being afraid.

“How’s it going?” he asked, as if he had no eyes to see it for himself. Severus refrained from saying just that. Instead, he frowned down at his scrap of parchment and shrugged. “What are you writing?”

“Just a recipe,” he mumbled.

“Ah.” Lupin sat down next to him and Severus looked up, startled. “Are you going to brew this with Lily?”

Once again, the boy failed to find any hidden intentions. Pale green eyes looked down at him kindly, with a softness that felt similar to Lily’s, in addition to the colour. For some reason, Lupin’s gaze was even more suspicious, though. Deciding that the truth was probably the easiest way out, he shook his head.

“She says I need to practise with the quill,” he said, in a tone that suggested he did not share her opinion. Sometimes, he did not even know why he insisted on remaining defiant.

A silence ensued as the man examined his sloppy work. Severus fixed his eyes on it, too, to save himself the shame of seeing the judging expression.

“What do you need to practise: handwriting or spelling?”

There was a touch of hesitance in the question, but Lupin did not sound fed up with his incompetence.

“Both?”

He cringed at his own tentativeness and risked a glance up to assess the reaction that awaited him. It was a smile —soft, without edges. Severus was completely puzzled.

“Why don’t you try something else?”

There was no time to reply. Lupin took out his wand and Severus forgot how to breathe for a moment, as it came too close for comfort. However, the tip just touched the ruined parchment and a few whispered words were uttered. The parchment shrunk and became whiter, while the ink faded away. Then, Lupin transfigured one of the quills into a Muggle black pen. He picked it up and handed it out to Severus, who was making an effort to keep his mouth shut.

“You could write about something you like or about your day with the pen. Lily can correct it later, so that you can put quill to parchment.”

Despite having to admit it sounded reasonable, Severus had no idea what to write. Still, he accepted the pen and nodded. After a moment of staring blankly at the ordinary piece of paper, he made the decision to write about his routine —it should be easier than thinking about what he liked. To his annoyance, Lupin stayed where he was, summoning a book and leaning back. Deliberately ignoring him, the boy started to write:

_After waking up Lily_

He could not say she had healed him, since anyone could read whatever he wrote. He twisted the pen between his fingers.

_After waking up Lily made me brekfast. eggs and toast and orange juice. She showed me a potions book. I copid a recipe with the_

He tried to sound out _quill_ in his mind unsuccessfully. Stealing a glance in Lupin’s direction, he weighed his options. So far, the mild-mannered man had indeed been harmless, but Severus was reluctant to trust that façade. He could always write it as best he could and be done with it, but he did not fool himself. His teachers always complained that his handwriting was atrocious and his spelling, hardly better. There were surely many other mistakes in the text and he could avoid that one.

“Um, Mr Lupin?” he called, as politely as possible.

The man looked up right away, as if he had been expecting the question. Severus fought the urge to frown, because he could have sworn Lupin was engrossed in his book. He may be better at pretending than the boy had thought.

“You may call me Remus.”

There was that smile again. Severus did not know what to think about it, but he was sure the apparently innocent permission was a trap. James had introduced him as ‘Mr Lupin’ and left him in charge. Remus may be a friendly face in their home, but he was not Severus’s friend.

“That wasn’t what James said.”

The smile became more strained, a sign that he was again testing someone’s patience with his nasty attitude.

“James won’t mind. You don’t call him Mr Potter, do you?”

He felt his cheeks heat up right away. How stupid could he be?

“I... I didn’t know! I didn’t know he—”

“That’s‒ That’s okay,” Lupin cut him off, slightly bewildered. “I mean, it’s obvious he didn’t tell you, right?”

Severus was unable to stop himself from biting his lip, worried. Certainly, he had never been told, but he could not understand why. If it were a trick, it made no sense James had yet to say something about it.

“Hey, it’s all right. He doesn’t mind and I would like you to call me Remus —truly.”

He looked up, full of doubts. He was sure it had to be some sort of subterfuge, but Lupin’s face looked like an open book. Besides, what could he really gain from earning Severus’s trust? It was not as if he would _always_ be in charge. The boy hesitated for too long and the man went on.

“Anyway, did you need something?”

First, all Severus felt was bewilderment. Then, he remembered his writing assignment and read it over quickly. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before being able to utter something.

“How d’you spell _quill_?”

He had been prepared to present a strong front at whatever derisive comment he would receive, but Lupin’s expression did not change. He just spelt out the word for him, slowly and clearly. He even asked if he could help with anything else, although Severus only shook his head and resumed his task. He sketched out the events of the previous day, hurrying to conclude.

In the meantime, Harry woke up from his nap and Lupin had to leave the table to take him. They went to the kitchen, allowing Severus to finish his work alone. He was just stopping the ink bottle when they came back and, upon looking up, he saw that the man carried a tray with some sweets and two mugs. The boy felt an odd pang when everything was set on the table and one of the mugs was placed in front of him. More hot chocolate.

Again, Lupin took a seat next to him, adjusting Harry on his lap. The toddler had a green beaker filled with milk, but the man was also drinking hot chocolate. Severus could not help staring at the odd picture. He would never have thought such a beverage was fitting for an adult, but Lupin did not look self-conscious at all.

They ate in a comfortable silence, broken only by the silly chattering Lupin pretended to have with Harry, who was making a mess of eating, as usual. Yet, his babysitter was unfazed and even managed to finish his drink. Severus focused on his own and did not utter a single word, ignoring every one of Harry’s attempts to engage him. He found babies were just as stupid as he had always believed.

While Lupin sent everything back to the kitchen and went upstairs to give Harry a change of clothes, Severus put his things away, too. His brief narration was the last one. It was no brilliant thing and all the lines were crooked, but at least it was legible —or so he thought. An idea had come to mind earlier, while Lupin was patiently trying to help Harry drink his milk. Perhaps he could show it to the man, ask him to correct it, so that he could give Lily the right version on parchment. He was aware that many things could go wrong if he took that risk, though.

The least of them was that his request for help might be rejected or his work, mocked —after all, he had been steeling for it all day. However, Lupin may also tell Lily and she may interpret it as an attempt to cheat. Lupin might become angry, too. He bit his lip, trying to make up his mind.

When they came back, he was still holding the sheet of paper.

“Something the matter, Severus?”

Looking up at the kind eyes, he felt the urge to know whether the emotion behind them was genuine. Nevertheless, he aimed his gaze at Lupin’s chest rather than at his face.

“Uh, um... Can you... If you want, ‘course. Can you look it over?” The question came out rushed, which might have explained the man’s perplexity.

“Sure.”

His simple acceptance made Severus look him in the eye. Lupin was still smiling. And yet, despite knowing he had no reasons so far, his arm trembled when he handed out his sheet. There was no comment on that weakness and Lupin read over his work with Harry back on his lap. To Severus’s surprise, he received some praise in addition to corrections. He was given no time to process it before he was shocked again.

“Now that this is done, I reckon we’ve got some time to play before Lily and James arrive. What d’you think, Harry? D’you wanna play before Mummy and Daddy are here?” The baby gurgled happily and clapped in quite a clumsy manner. The older boy just scowled at how silly Lupin sounded. “What about you, Severus? Have you already been in the garden room?”

Thankfully, he recovered his normal voice to speak to him.

“I can stay here, reading,” he mumbled, unsure whether he had interpreted the question correctly.

“You don’t like the garden?” Lupin looked as confused as Severus felt.

“N‒ Never been.”

“Well, you should come, then.” He put Harry on the floor, keeping hold of one of his hands, and stood up. “If you get bored, you can always read there.”

Severus shot him a dubious look, but he did not dare argue further. He supposed being in one place or another was a small price to pay for another peaceful evening.

Once again, he found himself following Harry’s unsteady footsteps to an inconspicuous door on the ground floor. The place it led to blinded Severus for a moment —an enchanted space designed to look like one of those green parks that they showed on the telly. The garden was terribly beautiful and probably the best use of magic he had ever witnessed.

The sky was bright blue and the sound of birds chirping seemed to surround them. There were also trees far in the background and Severus did not realise he was gaping until Lupin spoke up and drew his attention.

“Nice, right? Albus Dumbledore himself enchanted this room and made it bigger. It’s an illusion, though. If you walk long enough, you find the limits eventually.” He let Harry go, as the toddler was tugging at him incessantly. Right away, Harry decided to crawl towards Severus, who stepped back startled. The man was looking somewhere else and failed to see it. “That tree, though, that one’s real. You can climb it if you’re careful.”

Severus could not bring himself to tear his eyes away from the little menace.

“Koffle, koffle!”

Thankfully, Harry had interrupted his crawling to look up at his babysitter and utter those incomprehensible words. Lupin crouched down and entered Severus’s field of vision.

“We can also play with the quaffle, sure. You up for it, Severus?”

His black eyes snapped up. The word rang a bell, but he could not put his finger on it. Still, it did not sound like he actually had a choice. He was not unused to being ordered around, but Lupin had no idea what had happened with Harry two days ago. There was no way he would be nice to Severus if he knew. He should tell him —he simply did not dare. He could also refuse to play childish games and face punishment for that. Either way, he was not going to win, so he would like to save himself the humiliation of relieving the incident. Even though the little brat had seemingly forgotten about it and the foolish man knew nothing, it was still fresh in Severus’s mind.

And so, he chose not to say anything and risk displeasing James when he came back. At least, his curt nod widened Lupin’s smile. He did not even think about what playing with Harry really meant until the man summoned a red ball. The only wizarding game that Severus could think that needed balls was quidditch, so he guessed the quaffle was part of it.

Any thoughts about wizarding sports disappeared when Lupin threw him the ball and told him to pass it to Harry, who was sitting on the grass. Severus knew the toddler could never catch it, although judging by the way he kept mangling the name of the quaffle he wanted to play anyway.

“I‒ I can’t! He’s a baby.”

“Just roll it gently towards him,” was the calm answer.

He would have liked to berate himself for his behaviour, but he was too nervous to think straight. In an attempt to outrun any thoughts altogether, he did as Lupin had instructed and the ball rolled to a stop just out of Harry’s reach, who crawled forward decisively after a frustrated attempt to get to his feet. The toddler sat with the toy and Severus prayed that it would be the end of their game. However, Lupin encouraged him to throw it back and Harry eventually did in Severus’s general direction.

Shortly after, the older boy was running after the ball every time Harry missed his mark. He returned it to the man as often as he could to avoid dealing with the toddler. Yet, he found out it was not as bad as he had feared. Lupin did not even get upset when it was Severus who failed his shot.

He realised he was having fun and it only increased his joy. Whenever he saw the other children playing football in the school playground or the park, a part of him had imagined how joining in the game would be, even if another part insisted that he would never want to play with those idiots. At the moment, though, there was no conflict inside him. There was just the present.

Time flew, so when they stopped because Harry had become tired, Severus could not help feeling slightly annoyed. However, Lily and James came back shortly after, so there was no much time for anything else. Lupin brought the toddler back to the young parents, who enveloped him in their arms right away, as if they had been away for months. It was like being in a film.

Severus stayed out of the way, but Lily spotted him immediately. She smiled and gestured for him to come closer. Instead, he threw a look at James, who was still talking to Harry —both wore matching grins. Severus looked away and did not move.

“How did it go?” she asked, turning her gaze back to the other adults.

“We had fun, didn’t we, Harry?” Lupin answered without hesitation. The boy found it a little easier to breathe. “Severus did his schoolwork while Harry took his nap and then we spent the evening playing in the garden room with the quaffle.”

“That’s all?”

The lump returned to Severus’s throat at once. James was understandably sceptic. However, if he also learnt about the game of chess, if Lupin decided to make up anything... He could not gather enough courage to face any of them, so he focused on keeping still and showing no emotion.

“Just fine, Prongs,” Lupin assured once again.

Just fine. He was just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. To be honest, I'm not sure whether I'll be able to update in two weeks. I've barely started writing the next chapter and, as my country slowly gets out of lockdown, my routine becomes a thing I must figure out every morning. Once again, I'd like to reassure you: **I'm not going to abandon this story, even if I can't keep up with the current posting schedule**. Feel free to come to [my Tumblr](https://ailec-12.tumblr.com) and ask about my writing progress or anything else. For those who want to do some stalking (highly encouraged :D), all posts related to this fic are under the tag ["Harry Potter fanfiction."](https://ailec-12.tumblr.com/tagged/Harry-Potter-fanfiction)
> 
> I'm extremely grateful for all your support and patience. Thank you for reading and commenting —please, keep 'em coming!


	11. X. Seen and Not Heard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you so much for all the lovely messages, they've accompanied me through a very difficult month. This chapter hasn't been edited as thoroughly as I would've liked, but I didn't want to keep you waiting any longer. If you spot any mistakes, feel free to let me know. I hope the wait has been worth it and I look forward to reading your thoughts on the chapter.

“Nonsense, you even worked yesterday. Today’s our day off.”

When Lily had announced none of them would be working that day, Severus had felt confused, but he trusted that whatever she had prepared would not be awful —or rather, that was what he told himself when his protests failed to sway her. He would need to wait a bit longer before being able to put his assignment to quill.

His sulky ‘Whatever’ as he closed the book and walked away from the table elicited a small smile from Lily. He felt another spark of mistrust at her oddness, but he had got used to ignoring them. It was always easier to go along with whatever she wanted, even if he could not make head nor tail of it most of the time. Why could she care how he spent his time as long as he was not a bother? He may have understood control and power, but she had yet to use them to hurt him.

On the couch, James was delighting Harry with some colour bubbles from his wand, so neither of them paid Severus any mind when he came closer. He looked away from the happy scene and made an effort to focus on Lily.

“Would you like to play Gobstones? I don’t know if I’ll remember all the rules, but I can try.”

“What’s Gobstones?” he blurted out.

To his surprise, Lily’s excitement dimmed considerably and her face mirrored his confusion.

“I thought... Never mind. I’m sure you do know this game: blind man’s bluff.”

He nodded warily. It was one of those childish games he sometimes watched in the playground and the rules were as simple as its players.

“Great, we can play that game, then. James, dear, you up for it?”

Her husband’s first reaction was an eloquent ‘Huh?’ and so, Lily had to clue him up on the conversation. James looked taken aback and not even Harry’s cooing managed to catch his attention.

“Um, no, thanks. I think I’ll pass.” He seemed to find his bearings and lifted his son off his lap, frustrating the latter’s attempts to cling onto him. “You can take the little terror, though.”

Yet, his tone lacked any of the malice that was usual at Severus’s home. When the toddler was gently placed on the floor, he took a few wobbly steps before sizing his mother’s leg. From down there, he grinned up at Severus, who swallowed his urge to step back.

Lily crouched down and Harry wasted no time in climbing onto her lap.

“All right, Sev. I’ll be ‘it’ first, so you’ll need to help Harry out. Are you okay with that?”

The boy nodded, feeling almost overwhelmed by a wish to do it right. It did not last, as he became aware of how ridiculous the situation truly was when she straightened up and blinded herself. He stole a glance at James and found him watching over the whole scene. Yet, the man refused to stare directly at him. Right then, Lily announced she was ready to begin and Severus had to put James out of his thoughts.

“I’m gonna catch you!” she cried in what sounded to him like a very exaggerated voice. Harry, however, apparently found it very funny, because he broke into a fit of laughter and crawled away from Lily and towards James.

“Daddy, Daddy!”

“Ahh, Harry, where are you?” his mother asked, lengthening her vowels unnecessarily once again.

She seemed to be navigating the room truly blinded, with her arms outstretched in front of her. She walked carefully and kept getting closer to Severus, so he took some steps to his right. Harry had managed to be taken in his father’s arms and felt confident enough to call Lily between giggles. She turned around, but when she reached the couch, James hid the toddler behind his back.

Her hands came into contact with her husband’s face and he let her do. Severus found himself unable to look away that time.

“Nope, Harry’s not here, love,” he said, with a surprisingly straight face for a man that had a squirming toddler climbing on his back.

“You sure?” she asked, clearly having more difficulty biting back her laughter.

“Positive. You may find someone else behind you, though. To, uh... to your left.”

“Is that right, Sev?”

The sudden use of his name made him look like a deer caught in the headlights, despite knowing she could not see him when she turned around. She continued walking towards him, a bit faster that time, and he tried to step back, only to find the telly. She caught him before he could decide what else to do.

Lily took him by the arms as tender as usual, as if she wanted to calm him down by touch alone. Still, he felt a little trapped and tried to control his breathing so that she would not notice.

“Okay, let’s see who I’ve got here.”

Her hands slowly went up, until she was cupping his face, too. He wanted to check James’s reaction, but he was utterly frozen. He saw nothing but Lily’s smile.

“Ah, Sev, gotcha!”

She let him go, lifting the blindfold off her face and not once losing her playful expression.

“Do you want to be ‘it’?” she asked, lowering her voice.

It took him a moment to understand what she was implying. Just thinking about stumbling around blind while James watched had him shaking his head forcefully.

“N— No, I... Can’t I—?”

He was very relieved when she cut off his pathetic stuttering.

“It’s all right. I don’t mind being ‘it’ again.”

She straightened back up and turned to the others, telling them to get ready for another round. Harry, who had crawled onto his father’s lap, was trying to get back on the floor, too. James obliged him and the toddler crawled towards the spot where his mother was spinning in place.

“Ready or not, here I come!”

Those words broke Severus from a reverie he had not fully noticed and he became involved in the game more easily. Stepping forward, he made silent gestures to catch Harry’s attention, since the silly baby had stayed near Lily. Upon peeking in James’s direction, he found that the man had his eyes fixed on his son, but looked relaxed.

Harry giggled at Severus, but did not move, even though the older boy started to make sounds as well while Lily gestured around wildly. Eventually, she caught her son, breaking into a fit of laughter herself. She lifted him, spun him around a couple of times and stepped towards Severus.

“Thanks for your patience, darling,” she whispered, leaving Harry on the floor next to a puzzled eight-year-old.

He knew he was not doing anything special. Any of the adults could surely have done a better job. However, it would be stupid to admit that, so he said nothing.

That time, he did not dare look at James when he took Harry’s hand to guide him more effectively. If the man was finally looking at him, the boy was sure he would lose his nerve. The hold he kept was as light as a feather, but he was still shocked to learn firsthand how soft the toddler’s skin was. His own palms were rough and utterly inadequate. Harry did not seem to mind, since he came with him easily enough and they managed to dodge Lily for a while. Still, the toddler was far too slow to follow and ended up being caught by his mother once again.

It confused Severus no end that Harry could throw a tantrum for trivialities such as eating late or waking up in the middle of the night, but then he never became angry when he lost a game. Honestly, the boy was not even sure that Harry understood he had lost in the first place, as he did not hesitate to dissolve into laughter again when Lily took him off the ground. She put her free hand on top of Severus’s head and stroked his hair briefly. It felt less awkward than it usually did and he was a little ashamed to realise he had instinctively relaxed into her touch.

“All right, I need a break,” she said dramatically, throwing herself onto the couch with Harry still in her arms.

Playtime was over and Severus was surprised when the thought did not bring relief, but a feeling of emptiness. Awkwardly, he stood on the same spot for a moment, wishing they would just tell him what to do next.

“Mummy, Mummy, pway. Daddyyy,” came a whine right away.

The toddler had no wish to cut playtime short, either, and Severus peeked up, wanting to watch the adults’ reaction. They both had half amused, half resigned smiles. Lily turned to James.

“Where’s your snitch?”

“ ‘Nitch, ‘nitch!” Harry echoed excitedly.

James got up and retrieved a small box from one of the drawers. He opened it, taking something that he promptly threw at Lily. She caught it under the attentive look of a practically bouncing Harry. Yet, rather than pass it to her son, she showed it to Severus, who in awe observed how a little golden ball unfolded a pair of white wings.

He was gaping, completely oblivious to his surroundings for a moment. The wings, a bit bent, fluttered weakly, as if the snitch wanted to escape Lily’s grip, but was too lazy to make a real effort. Belatedly, he realised Harry was also trying to grab it. However, before he could reach it, Lily let it go.

Still amazed, Severus followed it with his eyes. Harry was determined to actually chase after it and, in his haste to do so, he nearly fell off his mother’s lap. James caught him just in time.

“Woah, careful there, mate.”

Harry never lost his smile as his father placed him on the floor. He wasted no time in lowering himself and starting to crawl towards the snitch, whose flying position constantly fluttered from high to low. Despite not being as fast as Severus had always imagined, its speed did sometimes increase briefly.

As he watched it fly around the room, it dawned on him that he was really seeing the most valuable ball of Quidditch: the precious golden snitch. He did not know a lot about the sport, since his mother had never been interested in it, but he had pictured the flying brooms on occasion. At the moment, with the brooms out of the picture, Severus was not sure what was so enjoyable about the game.

“ ‘Nitch, ‘nitch!”

Harry’s enthusiasm broke his train of thought at once.

“C’mon, Sev! I bet you can catch it. I’ll be with you in a jiffy,” Lily encouraged him.

He only wanted to retreat to his room —he had had enough interaction with the family for the day and felt as if he was pushing his luck. Yet, if he said he wanted to leave, he would come off as a petulant brat. It would do him no good to give the impression that he had stopped playing as soon as Lily had abandoned the game.

Meanwhile, James did not say a word. His eyes were fixed on his son, even though the toddler was too slow to even keep up with the snitch. Severus gulped and shrugged, not moving.

In a sudden burst of speed, the snitch flew past his ears. Startled, he whipped his head around, where the snitch was flying slightly higher and already turning around. Narrowing his eyes, he took a couple of steps in its direction and stretched out his right arm. It should have been easy to catch the stupid thing, but it dodged his hand at the last minute.

He tried to catch it again as inconspicuously as possible, not wanting to give in and admit he had joined the chase. And yet, he did not manage to shake off the feeling that he must look utterly ridiculous. At least, Lily and James had switched from watching them to browsing through some magazine —a Wizarding one, judging by the witch that kept winking at him. He could not understand why the game was so fun to Harry, since the snitch rarely flew close to the ground and so, it relegated him to crawl after Severus. The older boy was beginning to learn how stubborn the toddler was, but after a while, his attention became too focused on the golden ball to care about it.

And then, the snitch rose abruptly and stayed hovering over the couch. The couple looked away from their magazine at the same time that Harry quickly crawled to their side, managing to stand up by holding onto James’s legs. Severus fixed his eyes on the furniture, sure that he could catch the snitch if he climbed up and jumped from it. Right away, he got rid of that mad idea. He would never do that in front of others.

Apparently, James had no such qualms, for he put Harry on Lily’s lap and stood up on the couch. Putting a leg on the couch arm and another on its back, he gathered momentum before jumping, reaching a hand out as quick as lightning and falling back on the couch, a bit dishevelled and with a stupid grin on his face. It had all happened in a second, but luckily Lily had had enough foresight to scoot over a little and avoid being crushed. Her complains were drowned by Harry’s gleeful cries of ‘Daddy, Daddy!’ In James’s hands was the snitch.

Severus tried to get hold of himself and not stare that time, but it was hard to look away from the happy family.

James got off the couch, sweeping Harry in his arms. When Lily rolled her eyes at his obvious show-off, he kissed her full on the lips, leaving behind a soft smile on her face. Turning to their son, James finally let him have the snitch, which Harry promptly put in his mouth.

“Harry, no, no. We don’t put things that aren’t food in our mouths, lad.”

The young father did not even sound irritated and he tried to pry it out of the toddler’s grasp gently. The snitch slipped from his fingers and started flying again, slowed down slightly because of Harry’s drool. Severus barely managed to keep his disgust to himself.

Instead of leaving the toddler back on the floor, James started chasing the snitch while carrying him, to Harry’s immense delight. On that occasion, games were really over for Severus. He had been keeping the baby entertained, but there was no longer need for it. He inched closer to Lily, not wanting to draw attention to himself. He could feel her gaze on him, but she said nothing at first.

“Don’t you want to keep playing?”

He glanced at her and then fixed his eyes elsewhere, even though the only ongoing source of interest was James and Harry’s horseplay.

“I’m tired,” he mumbled, shrugging.

He could have said that he was bored of playing their silly games or that it was no longer necessary. And yet, even though he could not claim to understand the way Lily thought and it made no sense, he had the feeling that either of those answers could have sparked more questions on her part. Thus, he figured a meek, short answer was his best option. The silence that followed his words proved him wrong, though —it had been foolish to believe he could guess any outcome at all.

The game had stopped and it was his fault. He steeled himself and risked looking up, so as to be able to assess the situation. He found James looking back at them. It was all it took for Severus to feel a sudden urge to turn to Lily and ask to be excused. He would be safe in his room —probably. He told himself that he had done nothing wrong yet, so there should not be a cold weight in the pit of his stomach. Harry had had a good time with him and Severus had let them continue playing without imposing. And yet, somehow, he had managed to ruin the mood. The weight sank further down.

James caught the snitch as it flew near him. He took a couple of steps towards Severus, who made an effort to remain rooted to the spot.

“C’mon, that can’t be all you’ve got. Don’t tell me you get tired before Harry.”

The mocking tone melted the ball of fear and rushed warm blood to his cheeks.

“I don’t!” he heard himself yell before he could think twice.

He dropped his sulking expression at once. He had just admitted to lying. It was not a big lie, but people never needed good excuses to teach him a lesson about insolence. Yet, James did not even seem to notice. He looked at his wife, who was staring back at him intently. Severus watched them in silence, trying to figure out what was going on. Their quiet exchange was brief, though, and before he could come up with an idea of what was going to happen, James relaxed his shoulders and turned back to him.

“Right. Let’s see if you can catch this one.”

Without another word, he let the snitch go. Harry outstretched his short arms uselessly and started to call James in a sort of protest, but the man did not move.

At the beginning, neither did Severus, waiting for James to do something else, to behave as he should. The man refused to taunt him openly, though. He continued watching the scene, rocking his son back and forth. Severus had no doubt that he was expected to fail, even if James was being subtle about it —likely, for Lily’s sake. For a second, he saw red, but even after pushing his anger down, he still wanted to wipe James’s smile off his face. He had experience with being challenged and knew the safest course of action would be to avoid doing anything that would prove a grown-up wrong. He rarely dared show up those who held so much power over him, but that only made him crave it all the harder. And James had just given him the perfect opportunity. He went after the snitch.

Once again, he tried not to look too invested in the game, but catching the snitch was more difficult than it seemed. Eventually, his focus on the chase overcame his self-consciousness. The damn thing always seemed to slip right between his fingers, even though it never flew far away. It stood over the table for a moment and he stopped, swallowing his impulse to climb on it. He would not be tricked into breaking the rules for nothing, so he forced himself to wait for it to move somewhere more accessible. The snitch had seemingly found a cosy spot and was reluctant to leave it. Still, he waited and, in the end, his patience was rewarded when it tried to fly past him. He reached out, but his attempt to grab it was clumsy and the little ball began to fly higher. Before it got too far away, Severus decisively locked eyes with it, frowned and, jumping, managed to yank it down by a white wing.

The rush of triumph ran down his body for one wonderful moment. It was not a feeling he was used to and he would have liked to relish it. Instead, he hurried to wipe the smug smirk off his face as he came back to his senses. Joy turned to dread and he gulped, looking down at the snitch. He grabbed the golden sphere with two fingers, letting go of the battered wing. Fortunately, it still seemed to work and it disappeared inside the sphere. He gathered up whatever courage had boosted his confidence earlier and faced his audience.

“Well done, Sev!” Lily cheered, which did make some of the tension go away.

James did not say anything right away and the boy took the chance to study his face. The man seemed to be studying him, too, and his staring was utterly unnerving. Although James was wearing a serious expression, he looked neither upset nor disappointed with Severus’s success. In any case, Severus hoped the man would say something to clue him up on his current mood.

“Well, that wasn’t a bad catch, though you should think less and act faster. You hesitate far too much. Er... What I mean to say is, you learnt the rhythm of the snitch pretty fast. That’s... good. Just make sure you gather momentum before jumping. You’ve got to reach for it at your highest point.”

Another awkward silence ensued as Severus tried to get his mind around what he had just heard. What had started as something that he dared not call approval had led to James getting carried away and offering advice. It was too much to process, so Severus focused on understanding the meaning of the words rather than the feelings behind them. For whatever reason, the man had decided to play nice for the time being, although Severus wished he did not, as it would only increase James’s frustration at him and the boy would pay for it sooner or later.

Harry calling his name shattered his musings at once. Well, the baby always called him something that sounded rather like ‘Seh,’ but given how he mangled other words completely, Severus supposed he should not complain. In truth, he did not even mind being called ‘Sev’ by Lily anymore. It was certainly better than being called ‘Snape,’ since the latter reminded him too much of his father.

Harry’s insistence made him realise he was still holding the snitch and, thus, stopping the game once more. Feeling completely out of his element, he took a few steps forward. He could feel his sweaty palm against the smooth metal —just another thing to feel self-conscious about. He could not bring himself to look at James, so he extended his arm, preparing himself to feel the snitch snatched away. Nothing happened.

“Just let it go, lad. We’ll all play another round before lunch.”

Black eyes met James’s, taken aback at the obvious invitation to keep playing. He could not dwell much on what to make of it, as Lily chimed in.

“Fine, one more game.”

Severus let the snitch go and, before he could realise what was going on, Lily had taken his hand and was leading him with a knowing smile. The four of them chased the flying ball for a while. There were moments when Severus thought it had been a terrible idea, like when Lily chided James for climbing on their furniture _again_ and said it was cheating. Later, she had taken Harry from his arms and he had whined _that_ was cheating. And yet, through it all, the atmosphere remained joyful —no shouting, no real arguments. It was utterly baffling and Severus could only hope it would not end up turning against him.

Lunch felt like a respite from all the confusion. It was as good as always and, also as always, Lily served him a generous helping, asking him later if he wanted more. Once again, he refused, having suffered enough lessons about being greedy to accept. However, for the first time, he wondered what would happen if he did. The meal was a quiet affair and, afterward, James left the kitchen to put Harry down for a nap.

Lily pointed her wand at the sink and let the dishes wash on their own. She turned to speak to him and there was a second, just before she opened her mouth, when Severus had to close his fists in an attempt to control his nerves. He felt like an idiot for still thinking the worst of her, but nothing ever happened as he expected. Surely, it was not very foolish of him to be on alert.

“You up for watching telly for a bit?”

He nodded hesitantly and regretted it right away. Offending Lily by refusing was probably safer than spend more time with James and risk offending _him_. He had already agreed, though, so he would just have to bear in mind once again to be as unobtrusive as possible.

She sat down on the couch, as usual, and Severus found he did not want to be far away from her that time. He settled on the floor, near her end of the couch, where there was a soft carpet and he had a good view of the television. He could feel her eyes on him, but did not look up.

“You all right there, Sev? Don’t you want to take the armchair?” He shook his head and she leant forward. There was a smile on her face and it looked honest. He relaxed, which might be at least a little bit foolish. “You could also sit on the couch with me,” she offered, even though she and James liked sitting side by side.

He shook his head again, although he knew he had to speak up at some point. As much as adults thought his talking back was irritating, they also got cross if he did not use his words when answering.

“I’m fine, if it ain’t a problem?”

“Of course it isn’t,” she reassured him.

She turned her attention to the telly and decided on a comedy programme with a laugh track. James joined them shortly after and Severus could feel how the man’s gaze lingered on him for a moment longer. He could have sighed with relief when nothing was said. Predictably, James took the seat next to Lily.

“What are we watching?”

She replied with the name of the programme, but the boy was no longer listening to their conversation. James’s tone was nonchalant, but also forced. There had to be a reason for it and Severus tried to figure it out unsuccessfully. While the couple relaxed, he became more and more tense.

The most benign explanation was that Lily had something to do with it —she had been acting even more strangely than usual after she found out he had been lying about being hurt. She had been angry, despite not acting on that anger. Perhaps, as impossible as it may seem, she had got it out of her system by fighting with James —hence why they had gone to bed on no speaking terms one night and been fine by the following morning. Magic could even explain why he never heard anyone shout. And yet, on top of having trouble picturing that scenario, it did not explain in the slightest why James had been ignoring him for days and, during their only interaction that morning, had been perfectly pleasant.

His first hunch must be right and James was indeed planning something. The boy stole some glances in his direction, but he looked relaxed, with his arm wrapped around Lily’s shoulders and her head on his chest. Even after all his time in their home, it was still a strange sight to witness.

It seemed like forever until the programme ended and he reckoned he could get away without risking coming off as rude. He got back to his feet and faced the adults, or rather, faced Lily. James was looking at him, but it only increased his urge to get out of sight.

“Can I please go to my room?” he uttered as fast as possible.

She sat up and her husband straightened up, too. Severus did not move when she leant forward and took one of his hands. He tried to convince himself that she was not trapping him. He had done nothing wrong, so there was nothing to fear.

“Everything okay? Are you feeling well? Does anything still hurt?” she asked while her frown became deeper with each question.

In response, he panicked. He had absolutely no wish to discuss that in front of James.

“Okay. I’m— I’m okay. Just wanna go to my room to read, please.”

She relaxed her frown, smiling and stroking the back of his hands. Her touch made it easier to avoid looking up at them.

“Sure. Don’t forget to shower before dinner.”

“And don’t make too much noise. Harry’s sleeping,” added James.

Severus nodded eagerly and Lily let him go. When he finally set foot on the first floor and could think clearly, he wanted to berate himself. He was behaving like a bloody coward. James would grow confident if Severus could not even bring himself to look him in the eye. And yet, thinking about punishment led to another unpleasant reminder: whereas his father only had his strength and his belt, James also had magic. There was no way to avoid being afraid of that, of whatever scheme the man had in mind. Severus had magic, too, but so far it had proven itself to be pretty useless.

Determined to forget about everyone for a while, he looked round the corridor, hoping to spot a coat of calico fur. He glanced back, towards the stairs, and hesitated. If they came up and caught him snooping around... He would have to be very fast.

The cat was neither in the bathroom nor in his room. Harry’s bedroom should be his last option, if he even dared to check it. Entering the master bedroom was slightly easier, for he only had to focus on his failure to confront James until he was fuming and willing to ignore any possible consequences. Yet, disappointment swiftly filled the empty spot left by trepidation, as there was nothing to see there, either. He looked round anyway, staying close to the door in case he heard someone coming upstairs. He was about to turn around when he heard a miaow.

It was a low sound, but the cat did not take long to come out from underneath the bed. He felt a stupid smile showing up on his face, but there was no one to mock him for his excitement, so he did not care much. The cat walked towards him, as slowly as the first time. He crouched down to make himself as non-threatening as possible and reached out a hand. She was soon head-butting it and he scratched her behind the ears. His smile grew bigger.

“Hi,” he greeted, absurdly.

He knew people usually talked to animals, but he had no idea what to say. She may not have minded it, because she purred in response.

Soon, his quiet content felt uneasy and he looked up. He had better go to his room, since he was risking crossing the adults for nothing. He stood, which she did not seem to like, and he told himself it did not matter —it was just a cat. He walked out, stopping at the door frame.

“Come?”

Rather than as a command, it came out as a question. Yet, she took a few steps towards him and, finally, followed him to his room. Once there, he closed the door, hoping she would not get upset and scratch it to get out. The cat, however, was more concerned with exploring the space under his bed. Given that he had found her in a similar place, it might just be that she liked that sort of spot. Severus remembered at once his food stash, though, and he got down on his knees, alarmed.

Indeed, she was sniffing at the slate where his old shirt hid the food. He tried to shoo her and, when she ignored him, he grabbed a slipper that was lying around and threw it. It did not hit her hard, but Severus felt terrible as soon as the cat ran out of his field of vision.

He stood up and walked around the bed. The cat was quick to hide underneath again, but when Severus peered down that time, she was staring at him, paying no attention to the food. He had messed it up and he desperately needed to fix it.

“I— I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I only wanted to scare you. I swear I ain’t gonna hurt you. Won’t do it never again.”

The cat did not move. He tried to reach out, but she walked backwards. He brought his hand back down.

“It’s just... I’ve got something there and you can’t have it.”

There was no use reasoning with a cat. Taking a shaky breath, he lay down and, very slowly, started crawling towards his food stash. She ran away again, but he tried not to think of it. Retrieving his food, he crawled back out and hurried to his wardrobe. He hid it under a pile of his old T-shirts, which were already in a forgotten corner. Shooting a last glance towards his clothes, he decided it all looked inconspicuous enough. He would put the food back in its hiding place before dinner.

He turned back and watched the cat for a moment. She ignored him, but did not attempt to get out, either, so he decided he could try to earn her trust back. For the time being, he should give her some space. Focusing on the small library available, he saw a striking leather book just out of his reach. Right away, he could not wait to find out what it was about.

Carefully, he climbed on the bookcase, telling himself all the while it was that sort of unnecessary stunts what usually got him into trouble. He retrieved the huge volume with some difficulty and jumped back to the floor. As soon as he was safe, he felt himself relax. He had the book and no one had to know how he had obtained it.

On the brown leather, he could read a title in golden letters, _QUIDDITCH THROUGH THE AGES_ , and a golden snitch fluttered around the author’s name. For a long moment, Severus was utterly unable to move —he could just look down at the cover, marvelled at how magic was truly everywhere. He knew he sounded like a Muggleborn and, although his wonder always stayed in his mind, he could not help feeling some shame upon that thought.

Suddenly anxious to push all feelings away, he opened the book. Soon, he was sitting on the floor, turning the pages to see pictures of old brooms and amazing flips. He was so engrossed he actually jumped when something soft touched his knees. In turn, the cat got spooked, too, and Severus closed the book gently, feeling guilty all over again.

“Sorry,” he mumbled and, not knowing what to add, he reached out. She let out a quiet miaow, but stayed where she was.

He also remained still, forcing himself to be patient. If she had not run away again, he might have another chance to befriend her. He had no idea why he even cared, but that was not important at the moment. After a while, when he felt like giving up, she came closer and let him touch her. He ran his hand slowly through her body and she seemed to like it, because she purred. Feeling slightly lighter, he continued his petting and she eventually sat down next to him, leaning into his leg.

“What’s your name? Something stupid, I’m sure. Hope it ain’t Kitty.”

The cat did not even lift her head and Severus stroked her under the chin. He had no clue how to talk to an animal, but perhaps he did not need to.

“How ‘bout I read to you? Quidditch’s real cool. Gotta learn ‘bout it before going to Hogwarts.”

Again, she emitted no opinion, but he decided to carry on anyway.

“Okay, we gotta start from the beginning,” he said solemnly.

He went back to the first page, where only the title and author should have been. Instead, he encountered a rather unpleasant surprise. In black ink and very elegant calligraphy, it read _Property of James Potter_. He let out a string of whispered swear words, cursing his luck. The cat purred, as if in agreement.

“You know what? Don’t fucking care.”

And he turned the page without looking back.

* * *

Much later, Lily knocked on his door and Severus realised he had forgotten to shower. Luckily, she did not mind, asking if he would rather wash up after dinner. He did not feel like stopping his reading and taking a shower at all, but he did not want to cause any trouble, either, so he promised he would be quick about it and be downstairs in time for supper. Meanwhile, the cat had run to Lily, who crouched down to scratch her behind the ears for a brief instant.

“What were you reading?” she asked in that voice that reassured him it was fine.

“ _Quidditch Through the Ages_ ,” he confessed, holding up the volume.

He wondered if maybe he should ask for help to put it back. However, she did not seem to care it was her husband’s book.

“Did you like it?” she kept on.

There was an amused smile on her lips, but Severus’s attention was focused on the fact that she had made no move to take it away. He lowered the book, not quite hugging it to his chest, and nodded.

“It’s pretty brilliant.”

She might have picked up on his hesitance, though, because she encouraged him to leave it on his bedside table and go to the bathroom. He felt the need to check if she was sure, if she knew it was James’s book, but of course she did. He considered it might be a trap, but the thought did not stick around long enough to act on it.

The cat came back to him as soon as he moved. The strangest feeling stirred in Severus’s heart and he stopped to pet her for a second.

“I’m glad you two get along.” When he gazed up, Lily had an odd expression on her face. She had worn a similar one that afternoon, while she had watched them play. He was unable to understand it, so he looked away. “Have I told you her name? Mrs Plump,” she added once he shook his head. Right away, she started laughing as if either the name or the face he had pulled was the funniest thing ever.

The name was certainly more horrible than he had dared imagine. Although he was not about to say that, Lily seemed to agree.

“I know, it’s a tad ridiculous. It wasn’t my fault and she doesn’t actually answer to it, but unfortunately Harry loves it.”

Well, Severus was learning that, if Harry liked it, that was all there was to be said about it.

* * *

It was another sleepless night for Severus and he felt utterly stupid. He was warm and well-fed, nothing hurt. It may have been that bloody eerie silence. Whatever was the reason, he was sick of tossing and turning. He wished he could switch on the little lamp on the bedside table and read, but he had yet to hear Lily and James go to bed. Seeing light under the door was an invitation he refused to give them.

And yet, he was terribly bored. He pushed away the blankets and got up, making sure not to disturb the nocturnal quiet. It was probably safe to go to the bathroom. He could drink some water there and splash some more onto his face. Cautiously, feeling the tension in every muscle, he opened the door and peered out. The entire floor was dark, so that the light coming from downstairs caught his attention immediately.

Even though it was madness, he needed to know what was keeping the couple downstairs so late at night —if it was an argument, he would find out whether they kept it silent with magic. His bare feet made no noise as he began to descend the stairs. As soon as the living room came into view, he stopped and crouched down behind the handrail, only taking another step forward to be able to see them. They were not fighting, but cuddling on the couch once again. It should have been his first clue to go back to bed, but there was a newspaper floating in the air in front of them and they were whispering. Curiosity compelled him to go down a few more steps in order to listen to their conversation.

“— don’t understand,” Lily was saying. Despite speaking quietly, her voice was full of fury and frustration. “How hasn’t she been caught yet? Her face is on the front page of _The Prophet_ every couple of days!

“That bitch,” spat James with much more venom than Severus had ever heard him. The boy flinched, only too glad the insult was not aimed at his wife. “Her attacks on Muggleborns are especially vicious and her psychopath of a husband is never far behind. I wish I could be out there and make them pay.”

“Me too. I’m sick and tired of hiding away, of waiting and fearing for everyone else. I know Albus said there were reasons, but I hate being under the Fidelius. Alice’s son is the same age as Harry and she and Frank are still fighting.”

Severus realised he was holding his breath. He had never given another thought to the war they had mentioned at the beginning —had never fully believed them. Right then, however, eavesdropping on their raw exchange, he understood how serious it really was. He wondered why his mother had never said anything about it, but there was not much time for contemplation as the discussion continued, offering titbits of information at a vertiginous speed.

“The Longbottom boy is with his grandmother, though,” James retorted, a bit more calmly. “Augusta’s still a force to be reckoned with. We can’t leave Harry with anyone, love. And even... even if we could... If we’d got someone else who could take him in and protect him, would you be able to focus on the fight and leave him behind, not seeing him for who knows how bloody long?”

It was as if he were waiting for a negative answer, which made no sense since they had both just stated they wanted to rejoin the war efforts. Perhaps James, like his father, thought it was a woman’s duty to take care of the children. It did not explain why he was staying in the house as well, though. And, unlike his father, James did not seem to mind taking care of his son.

The conversation was turning to be very confusing and, once again, Severus waited with bated breath while the silence kept on stretching. Lily answered eventually and the boy could distinguish defeat and resignation in her words.

“No. No, I don’t think so. I... I know it’s quite selfish. They’re all fighting for our freedom, our lives, and I... I just want to protect Harry. I don’t think I’d ever trust anyone else to do it like we will.”

“Lily...”

James tried to shift his position slightly to look her in the eye. His voice was not a warning, but she bristled as if it were, sitting up straight and refusing to meet his eyes. Severus lowered himself a bit more.

“No! I know I’m not the only one who’s got children to worry about. And I do want to help and I _am_ tired of hiding. It felt good to go out the other day and get the ingredients myself, but that’s very different from seeking out You-Know-Who. This isn’t fear, it’s something else. And I... I don’t know what it says about me, but that’s... that’s who I am now,” she ended, almost challenging her husband to contradict her.

That time, the short pause was not enough for Severus to even start processing what she had meant. James took one of her hands between both of his.

“Well, I don’t know either what it says about us, but it is what it is. There’s nothing more important than Harry. He’ll always be my priority, too. Perhaps it does make us selfish, perhaps we already gave as much as we could. All I know, terrible as it may sound, is that I’d make the same choice over and over again.” Halfway through his little speech, Lily had finally lifted her eyes. She looked mesmerized by his words and Severus felt a little like that as well. Then, before she could reply, he added, “I love you.”

In response to his fierce statement, and to the boy’s complete shock, she fully turned to James and kissed him for a long moment. Severus was quick to look away in embarrassment. While he was still trying to decipher their words, their conversation took another unexpected turn.

“We’ve also got Severus now,” Lily said after a while, when they had finally stopped snogging. The boy perked up upon hearing his name. “He needed someone and, honestly, I’m glad Albus came to us.”

Now that the subject of his stay had been brought up, he strained to hear what James had to say. Hopefully, it would help to clarify his odd behaviour. Staying low, he started to descend some more steps to listen better.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” the man answered, sighing. He sounded neither particularly excited not upset at the prospect. “Who knows how long he’ll sta—”

Severus felt a gasp leave his lips as he lost his footing. He was able to avoid falling down by grabbing onto the handrail, but it was too late anyway. They had heard him.

There was no time to think. As the adults turned to the source of the noise, he jumped to his feet and ran upstairs. He thought he heard Lily call his name while James muttered something unintelligible. All his energy was focused on getting to his room, though. Not a second was to be wasted.

In his panicked attempt to seek shelter, he forgot to be careful when closing the door. Instead, he pushed it shut as he ran to bed. He did not quite slam it, but it effectively shattered the peaceful silence upstairs.

A quiet beat ensued as he pulled the blankets over his head and curled up. A second was all it took for Harry to start bawling.

Severus cursed in his head, because his mouth was too dry to speak. He really was an idiot. He should have gone back upstairs without a sound and let them think it had been the cat’s fault. It could not be fixed now, because they knew he had been spying and had woken up Harry again. He was going to be punished for sure. Severus had offered James an excellent opportunity to lash out and the man would not even remember whatever plan he had devised that forced him to act decently.

His shaking became worse as the seconds passed by. Over his loud heartbeat, he managed to hear the door opening, although he did not even think about peeking out. As unbearable as not knowing was, he was completely frozen.

“Sev? I know you aren’t sleeping.”

It was Lily’s voice, low and calm. It had to be a trap, so he refused to move. In the room next to his, the baby was still crying.

“It’s just me. I’m going to sit with you, okay?”

He felt the bed dip under her weight near him. Then, very slowly, the blankets were lifted. Despite his urge to hold onto them, he was aware that it would only make his situation worse. Thus, he let her do and, when she and their surroundings came into view, he found out she had said the truth —James was nowhere in sight. He noticed the cries were not so loud anymore, either. They had turned on the lights in the corridor and their soft glow let him see Lily’s tired, little smile.

“It’s all right, no need to be scared.”

He nearly believed her, but there was no possible explanation for her patience with him. He had been disrespectful and had scared Harry. She should be cross and she had a right to. Even if he could not pretend to understand everything he had heard, it was clear their son was extremely precious to them.

He stared at her, waiting to be berated, to be told she had had quite enough. She said nothing at first, though, so he sat up, trying to look fearless. Her smile changed and, although he failed to read it, he supposed it was exhaustion getting the best of her.

“Did you have a nightmare? Couldn’t you sleep?”

He searched a bit longer for any signs of deceit on her face, but gave up when he found nothing.

“Couldn’t sleep. I— I was just going to the loo,” he whispered.

“And decided to take a detour to spy for a bit, didn’t you?” James cut in, choosing that exact moment to show up at the door frame. In his arms, Harry was soundly asleep.

The heavy sarcasm took Severus by surprise and he flinched. Right away, he felt his hand being covered by Lily’s. There was no good excuse to offer and he should have stayed quiet and be thankful neither of them looked more upset. Yet, he was tired and James never failed to ignite his own anger.

“You were talking about me,” he retorted accusingly, careful not to raise his voice.

Instead of replying, though, James rolled his eyes and turned his attention to Lily.

“I’ll leave you to it. We’ll be waiting for you in bed.”

Severus made an effort not to gape when he saw the man actually turning around and leaving the room. Slightly wary, he fixed his eyes on Lily, who sighed.

“He’s right, you know. Eavesdropping isn’t nice. We were talking about things you don’t need to worry about.”

“Like the war.”

“Like the war,” she echoed.

What she had said barely counted as a rebuke, but he felt bad for testing her patience anyway.

“Sorry,” he muttered.

“That’s okay.”

He decided he liked it better when she did not force herself to smile.

“I know you must have loads of questions,” Lily went on, more hesitant that time. “You can always come to me if something’s worrying you. I promise I’ll always listen and answer the best I can.”

It did not sound as if she were totally committed to telling him the truth, but oddly her half-fledged compromise made it easier to believe her. Anyone could promise anything, but she had not taken advantage of that.

He nodded and, at once, realised the danger had passed. Making a conscious effort, he attempted to imitate Lily’s easiness.

“So, something on your mind? Is that why you couldn’t sleep?”

“It— It’s nothing. I’m fine now.”

He focused his eyes on his lap, but a finger appeared under his chin and a gentle pressure made him look back up.

“What about a bedtime story to lull you to sleep?”

Severus blinked, fully convinced he had somehow fallen asleep already and was dreaming. Lily did not have to do that and it was late _and_ she was visibly exhausted. What were she and James playing at? Suddenly, he was not sure he wanted to find out.

“I’m fine, really. I’ll go back to sleep.”

“C’mon, just a short one.”

He felt as if his brain were too slow to think of a good way to refuse and so, he stayed silent. He did shrug, if only to make it clear that he was only going along with her idea, but that he was not to be blamed for it.

She drew her wand and summoned another book, thinner than most of those in the library.

“D’you know _The Wizard and the Hopping Pot_?”

He shook his head, unable to look away from her face as she started to read. It was a funny tale and he could not help smiling a little at some parts. His smile grew bigger when he saw it reflected in her face. So engrossed was he in the tale that he forgot it was supposed to help him sleep. When he felt it was coming close to an end, he slipped down, burrowing himself deeper into the blankets. He closed his eyes and evened out his breathing, keeping a calm, regular pattern. He was happy that Lily decided to finish reading the story despite thinking he could no longer hear her.

As her voice faded with the last syllables of “And he lived happily ever after,” Severus let his smile stay on his lips lazily. He felt her weight disappear, too, but she did not go away at once. She took a moment to rearrange the blankets, tucking them tightly around his body. He never saw her come closer and he was not expecting the moment when her fingers brushed away his hair. When her lips touched his forehead, he nearly flinched, giving away his pretence.

“Goodnight, Sev,” he finally heard her whisper before leaving.

The silence did not feel oppressing after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sev finally knows the cat's name! I owe this detail to dorypop. Care to guess who came up with the name in the story? I also borrowed mariagvogel's headcanon that Sev's favourite book is James's old copy of _Quidditch Through the Ages_. And, although I didn't get around to including Lucy_Luna's idea of Sev finding a newspaper, it did help me to come up with an excuse for Lily and James to talk about the war. Oh, I was also amazed that a reviewer (who later deleted their comment, unfortunately) actually guessed the beginning of this chapter!
> 
> If you'd like to read a bit more about Severus and James, you might want to check out this [little vignette](https://ailec-12.tumblr.com/post/621337789367205888/number-3-for-house-potter-would-be-neat#disqus_thread) or [this other one](https://ailec-12.tumblr.com/post/621805067289427968/14-for-house-potter-love-the-previous-drabble#disqus_thread).
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	12. XI. Blame the Dog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another long chapter! I hope the length makes up for the wait. Also, even though I don't mention it in every chapter, do feel free to point out any typos/mistakes you may find in the text. It helps me improve and I'll be forever grateful.

It had been a taxing morning, but Severus felt a rush of pride and satisfaction when he saw the parchment covered in his handwriting. He had finished all by himself, rejecting Lily’s attempts to help. He had actually been in such a hurry to start rewriting his composition that he had passed on the chance to nick anything at breakfast. Back home, he had to take whatever he could whenever it was possible. At his current place, however, there was always enough food available as well as plenty of opportunities every day. And so, he wondered if he may afford letting a whole day go by without taking any extra food.

Focusing his attention back on his work, he looked up. Lily was sitting in front of him, reading a piece of parchment that James was holding. The couple had been writing letters all morning and, as usual, James’s presence had not made Severus’s task any easier. At least, Harry was mostly quiet, playing half-heartedly inside a protective circle that Lily had drawn with her wand on the carpet —she had explained it was the Wizarding version of a playpen, in that tone of hers that let him know he was not stupid for not knowing.

Once again, he ventured that they might be Muggleborns, hence all the Muggle appliances in the house and their deep involvement in the war. Listening to their conversation had been useful for more than just learning how lucky Harry truly was. He did not want to think about it and become upset, though. He needed to keep behaving himself and hope they would forget his eavesdropping.

And yet, there was another matter that bothered him since James’s greeting at breakfast that morning. Nothing good came of letting people bottle up frustration. He had to find a way to unmask the adult wizard and force him to show his true colours, so that Severus learnt what he was dealing with once and for all. Besides, he would be smart about it and keep his defiance to a minimum, something that would only earn him a few scathing insults or threats.

He braced himself. It was going to be fine. He had done far worse and had just been told off. Things would return to normal and he would be okay.

“I... Uh, I’m done. R— Remus helped me.” Despite his best efforts, his voice faltered towards the end.

He had to refrain from huddling up when James lifted his eyes. The man nodded and put down the letter while Lily grinned, reaching out for Severus’s parchment. The boy waited for a couple of seconds, but there were no comments on being disrespectful or a wimp that needed help with basic things. He bit his lip as Lily read it over. Meanwhile, James stretched out and crouched down to lift his son onto his lap. Harry took in his surroundings for a moment, but rather than show any curiosity, he leant back against his father’s chest and closed his eyes.

“Huh, someone’s feeling sleepy already,” said James, smiling softly. Then, he turned to his wife. “I’m going to get started on Harry’s lunch. It’s nearly noon anyway.”

She smiled back adoringly and Severus scowled down at the table, kicking his legs back and forth underneath. He could not understand why they acted as if every little thing Harry did was worth mentioning. Whenever he was not giggling carelessly, the toddler was sleeping. Still, it got James out of his hair, so Severus reckoned he should not complain too much.

“Well done, Sev,” Lily praised him and his attention returned to her.

She pointed at something on his parchment and the boy bent over to see it better. He looked forward to showing his mother everything he was learning. She would have no reason to become easily annoyed once he did not need to ask so many questions. He felt a small sting of longing that resisted going away. It could not take her much longer to come back and he hoped she would have a good excuse for her prolonged absence —he hoped she was all right.

That afternoon, it seemed as if Harry wanted to prove that he was not, in fact, the perfect son. He fell asleep halfway through his lunch, but then woke up very loudly when the others were just finishing theirs. James went to tend to him, apparently not in a hurry to be alone with Severus, either. The boy hoped his pleasant demeanour was not a mere front. Despite his inability to figure out why they were not cross with Harry’s whining, he did not miss the shouts and fights at all.

James managed to put him back to sleep, but it barely lasted for half an hour. The adults sighed and Lily volunteered that time. By then, they had been cleaning the living room with magic —and so, they did not require Severus’s help— and she had promised the boy that they could brew something together afterwards. Although he was very excited at the prospect, he was also glad that Harry would be comforted by Lily. After all, she seemingly had infinite patience and he did not mind reading for a bit longer while he waited for her to return. James was there, too, but he was busy cleaning and did not bother him. Severus had even had the foresight to choose the book of fairy tales instead of the one about Quidditch, which was back on its shelf. He was not fully convinced that children’s books could count as learning, but they did not seem to care, so there was nothing wrong with taking advantage of it. He wished he would have dared take one of the comic books at the public library —he missed reading the adventures depicted in those, despite risking his parents’ displeasure if they ever found out.

A sudden knock at the door, together with some deafening barking, shattered their quiet coexistence. Severus could not help flinching so hard that he almost dropped his book. To his surprise, James also winced and his eyes went wide open behind his glasses. The man schooled his face right away, only letting some wariness show as he walked to the door.

Remus’s face was the first thing to greet them, but his usual soft smile was missing. Before Severus could think about anything else, a dog slipped past the two men. It was completely black and enormous, sauntering inside while it sniffed the air. James was quick to block the animal’s way, unfazed by its size.

“What the hell, Moony?”

He sounded really upset and the boy hurried to hug the book against his chest. It was clear that James did not approve of the dog’s presence in his house and Severus hoped the mutt would not try to hurt Mrs Plump. Meanwhile, Remus grimaced at his friend’s tone, closing the door after stepping inside as well.

“What was I supposed to tell him? That you weren’t home? I had to... I _tried_ to expla—”

There was no chance for Remus to finish speaking before the dog sidestepped James and lunged forward. It took a second for Severus to understand that the animal was coming for him and, by then, he only had time to drop the book and climb on the couch. The dull thud of the volume was silenced by the incessant barking and, when the dog put his front paws on the couch, Severus was certain it would bite him. Its teeth looked very sharp and were just as big as its body. Instinctively, he tried to protect his face by covering it with his hands and waited for the pain. It never came, even though the barking turned into growling.

Daring peek from behind his trembling arms, Severus saw that James had his own arms around the dog’s neck and was pulling it back.

“That’s enough, you bloody twat,” he hissed with a final pull.

He let the dog go and the animal did not hesitate to turn its head towards him, snapping at the air. The man stood his ground and, after a moment, the dog bent down, adopting a more playful pose. James did not look amused, though. When he turned his head around, there was an odd expression on his face, since his tight lips did not match his lack of anger. Still, most of Severus’s attention remained focused on the dog.

“It’s okay, go fetch Lily.”

To the boy, James sounded very far away, especially when canine eyes became fixed on him, too.

Severus wanted nothing more than to leave the room, but his legs did not obey. Belatedly, he realised he had forgotten to breathe, too. He inhaled deeply and felt his lungs expand. Slowly, he stepped off the couch, while his heart kept trying to climb up his throat. Unable to look anyone in the eye, he struggled to remember the command he had just been given and, finally, ran upstairs before someone could change their mind about letting him leave.

He found Lily in Harry’s room. She was lightly bouncing her son and walking around, but the toddler was still fussing quietly. He did not quite know how to interrupt —he could feel his eyes sting and his throat close up. Thus, he stood at the doorway, waiting for her to spot him instead. Shortly after, he was welcomed inside by a tired smile.

“Hey, Sev. What was all that commotion downstairs?”

He opened his mouth to answer, but nothing came out. Embarrassed, he realised he was itching to step forward, closer to Lily and her kindness. His eyes were really hurting by then.

At his lack of response, her face became worried and she closed the distance between the two of them, kneeling in front of him. Harry looked at him and leant forward, as if he wanted to be closer, too.

“What’s wrong?” she asked. “You’re awfully pale.”

“I’m fine,” he mumbled automatically. His heart was not in the lie, though.

Lily raised the hand that was not holding the baby and he stepped back without a second thought. The heat in his cheeks diminished the sting in his eyes. He felt stupid, because he did not believe Lily would strike him for that. He could not bring himself to meet her eyes when he apologised.

“It’s all right,” she assured him.

More slowly, she brought her hand to his face. Her palms were not quite as rough as his mother’s, but not as soft as Harry’s, either. For a brief instant, Severus wondered whether it was the result of brewing many potions.

“Tell me what happened downstairs,” she urged him.

He thought about how much he could afford saying.

“There’s— There’s a dog. It’s all black and huge. It... Rem— Mr Lupin’s here, too. The dog... was barking like mad. Was... I, uh... I stood up on the couch, I’m sorry! I— I got scared, didn’t know what to do,” he stammered out.

A strange shadow crossed Lily’s eyes, as if she understood more than Severus did. Her touch never wavered.

“Did the dog do something to you?”

It had not, not really, so he shook his head. He would rather not say the animal had attacked him. He had no idea what he had done to provoke it, but he knew well enough that it must be his fault.

“It was just barking real loud.”

It was a lousy excuse fitting to his childish behaviour. And yet, he felt too shaken to put up a better pretence. His eyes met Harry’s and the toddler reached out one arm in his direction. At once, the same sinking feeling as earlier came back, together with a lump in his throat. Lily let out a sigh and her expression softened.

“Come here,” she said unexpectedly, moving her hand to his shoulder and gently pushing him towards the side where her son was not perched.

He let her do, hardly daring breathe. She pulled him against her chest with ease and he had to squeeze his eyes shut very tightly, so that he would not ruin their hug by sobbing into her jumper. She let him stay like that for a long time, until he thought he could step away without crumbling down. Inhaling sharply, he looked up. She was staring back at him. No matter how hard he tried, Severus failed to decipher the real meaning behind the intensity of her gaze.

“No one’s going to hurt you ever again.”

Although it was a truly nice sentiment, it was also an empty promise, because he was aware of his ability to bring out the worst in people. Still, he nodded, unwilling to shatter the illusion. Nothing bad could come of it if he did not let himself believe the lie.

“Well, I don’t think Harry’s going to fall back asleep anytime soon. Let’s see our guests, shall we?” she went on, aiming for a more light-hearted tone.

As they descended the stairs, Severus was glad that Lily took the lead. He peeked at the living room from behind her, but could not spot the dog anywhere. Instead, there was another man talking to James and Remus. The stranger was almost as tall as Remus, but with broader shoulders. There was a long cut on his forehead, though it was mostly hidden behind his long black hair. Unlike Severus’s, it did not hang limply over his eyes. He also exuded confidence, even from a distance, and looked unfazed by James’s serious expression or Remus’s resignation. Severus gulped, for something told him meeting that stranger may not turn out well for him.

“Padfoot?” Harry perked a little at the sight and grinned, which did not honestly mean much, since the toddler was useless at spotting danger.

The so-called Padfoot turned around and a matching grin split his face right away. He strode towards them and Severus had to make an effort not to hide completely behind Lily.

“Wotcha, Harry! Lily! I couldn’t believe it when Moony told me, but I see it’s true. Could recognise his ugly mug anywhere.”

“Pads!” James groaned at once, not sounding surprised at all.

Severus threw a careful glance up at Padfoot, trying not to think about how ridiculous the nickname sounded. The last comment had to be aimed at him —after all, it would not be the first time he was called ugly—, but he was quite sure that he had never seen the man before. There was something indefinable in his casual demeanour that would have stood out like a sore thumb in Spinner’s End.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry.” He was still grinning and did not sound apologetic at all. Severus did not care about that, though, he was more worried that his behaviour could upset James. Clearly, Padfoot did not share his concerns. “Well, where’s my favourite godson?”

Harry gurgled as the man reached out, but Lily did not let her son go. Severus’s guess had not been completely wrong —the man’s mockery had indeed bothered Lily, whose eyes became as hard as stone all of a sudden. At once, the man sobered up.

“Let me be very clear on one thing, Sirius. We’re not children anymore, but Severus is. He’s also a guest in this house. If you’ve got any problem with that, you can see yourself out.”

Sirius frowned, losing his boyish attitude promptly.

“Are you sure it’s safe, though? What if—?”

“It is,” she cut him off, stern.

Severus was forcefully reminded of James’s mistrust when he had first arrived. It was clear the adults knew something he did not, so he stored up that information for a later time, when he was alone with his thoughts.

Without warning, he felt Lily’s hand on his back, pushing him forward.

“Now, quit being a prat and introduce yourself.” Severus jumped under her hold. His first instinct made him believe the insult was aimed at him once more. However, she was still addressing Sirius, who had not relaxed his frown. “Harry’s missed you and wants to spend time with you.”

Indeed, the toddler had been reaching out insistently for quite some time, but Severus’s whole attention was busy with the newcomer, who sighed and rolled his eyes.

“I’ll behave. I’ve put up with worse, anyway,” Sirius told her, still with a hint of mockery in his voice.

By the time he turned to Severus, he had got his sharp smirk back. The boy stayed very stiff, not wanting to betray his fear. Lily had stood up for him, it had to mean something, at least for the moment. And yet, when the large hand flew forward, he stepped back without thinking, crashing right into Lily. Sirius glanced up at her briefly, but nothing was said. As he looked back down, his voice was carefully neutral and his smirk had lost its edge.

“Sirius Black.”

Severus realised then that the hand was posed for a handshake, nothing more. For the second time in a few minutes, shame coloured his face. He did not even want to think about what must be crossing the others’ minds. To top it all, he had made a fool of himself in front of a Black.

“Severus Snape,” he mumbled back, shaking Sirius’s hand without lifting his eyes. ‘Fucking great,’ his mind supplied uselessly.

The handshake was brief and rather limp, but Severus was all the happier for it. He hurried to put his hands in the pockets of his new jeans. It was little comfort that a Black had not seen him in his tattered clothes. His poor mother would probably not have survived that humiliation —her son would have, though, because he was determined to make a name for himself, regardless of his past or his family.

While he entertained those gloomy thoughts, Sirius took the toddler in his arms eagerly, to their obvious mutual delight. The man said something about Harry’s broom and James suggested moving to the garden room, where they would have more space.

It turned out that Harry did own a real flying broom, if only adapted to his size and ability. Severus tried not to look at it.

“How come you’re here, anyway? Moony told me you were on a mission,” asked James as he retrieved the toy broom and they left the living room. Lily also carried a small dark bag whose contents produced a soft clinking.

“I was, I finished early,” Sirius retorted, shrugging.

“Were you hurt?” Lily cut in.

“Not really, just some nasty bruises. Was wondering if you’d got any Bruisewort balm, actually. I can’t remember where I put the last jar you gave me.”

She seemed to have forgiven Sirius for crossing her earlier and Severus could not decide whether that was good news or not. He trailed behind the adults until they all reached the enchanted room, which looked as magnificent as the first time.

“Why didn’t you heal the cut on your face, though? I swear, if you say it makes you look tough...”

Severus did not manage to hear the reply to James’s question beyond Sirius’s guffaw, since Remus came closer, drawing his attention. The boy had chosen to hover near the door, slightly far away from where Sirius was helping Harry get on his broom. He quickly pushed them both out of his mind.

“I’m sorry about my friend,” Remus started, sitting on the grass next to him. After a brief moment of hesitation, Severus followed suit. “He has trouble understanding when a joke isn’t funny.”

The boy shrugged, looking down. Remus’s apologetic smile was more honest than anything Sirius had told him so far. However, Severus neither expected anyone to defend him nor did he need them to. He stopped himself from pulling out two handfuls of soft grass, knowing that garden was not a place he was allowed to damage. The silence stretched and he wondered why Remus had approached him.

“Was it his dog?”

When he thought about it, it was strange that no one had mentioned the missing animal, not even Lily. He hoped she did not believe he had been lying.

“Well, um...” Remus hesitated, stroking his chin and looking up, as if the right words were to be found in the fake blue sky. “D’you know what an Animagus is?”

He did not and Remus did not mind explaining the concept. That way, Severus learnt that one had to be a skilled wizard to become an Animagus, that the person was fully aware of their actions as their animal counterpart and that the dog was, in fact, Sirius. It certainly fit with everything his mother had told him about the ancient House of Black.

Remus changed the subject then, asking about his piece of writing. At first, Severus only offered another shrug and kept his eyes fixed on the ground. Faced with the prospect of enduring a new awkward silence, however, he added,

“Lily said it was fine.”

“I’m glad.”

Once again, their conversation hit a dead end. Once again, he had to fight the urge to pull out the grass.

Alarmed, Severus realised he would have liked to tell Remus about the previous day, when he had caught James’s snitch. He berated himself, having no clue what sort of answer he was fishing for. He was acting as if he wanted to get along with Remus. However, the man was not Lily. Lily had seen him at his weakest and helped him nevertheless. Lily had spoken on his behalf multiple times. He could not afford being a fool who trusted everyone around him, for anybody could be kind for a while before revealing their true self.

He shuddered at the reminder that his father was right: Severus was too weak and too much of a coward to protect himself, so he relied on others. The incident with the dog —wizard— was just further proof. He had got scared and had just waited for the animal to bite him. He had depended on others’ pity —James’s pity. They could just as well have let it happen, though. The only reason he was unscathed was because Lily may insist on fixing him up, which was more expensive than the amusement of seeing him get mauled.

Fortunately, she chose that precise moment to interrupt them. She brandished their little bag in front of their eyes, making whatever it was clink louder.

“Remus, you used to play Gobstones, right?”

The name rang a bell and Severus remembered it was the first game she had offered to play, assuming he would be familiar with it. She had dropped the matter immediately and he had paid it no mind. Looking as bewildered as the boy felt, Remus nodded.

“Brilliant. Will you teach Severus and me to play?”

“Sure.”

And, just like that, Remus drew some concentric circles on the grass with his wand. The clinking contents of the bag turned out to be round stones similar to marbles. It did not take long for Severus to conclude that Gobstones was another thing he could not wait to play at Hogwarts. They were engaged in the game for a while, surrounded by the excited shouting of two men and a toddler. Yet, once the boy overcame his initial excitement, he never quite succeeded in shaking off the feeling that Sirius would transform back into the huge dog, chasing him around the garden among everyone’s mockery and laughter. Thus, when Lily suggested joining the others, Severus took the opportunity to flee.

“I wanna read in my room. Can I? Please?” he added as an afterthought.

She tried to change his mind, to convince him that it would be as fun as the last time, but the boy was determined and refused to do anything but shake his head until she acquiesced. Instead of sending him away, though, she walked him to his room, where a new book awaited on his bed. He looked up at her, silently asking either for permission or to learn how it had ended up there in the first place.

“It’s _A History of Magic for Children_. Remus thought you might like it.”

Severus tried to swallow the odd feeling that her words brought. He knew it was probably Lily’s doing, since she had mentioned she would ask for more proper reading material to her friends. Still, he felt bad for having being so curt earlier, even after Remus had taught him to play Gobstones. The man had also helped him with his homework. Severus truly felt like a brat at the moment. And, that time, he failed to feel comforted by the certainty that adults were not trustworthy.

* * *

At dinner, he was uneasy for an entirely different reason. The table felt crowded and the noise reminded Severus of the atmosphere in pubs, even if it was not so loud. Seeing several bottles of beer did not help, either. Luckily, Harry drew most of the attention to himself. He was sitting on Sirius’s lap while his godfather made funny faces and caused him to burst into continuous giggles. Lily was also engrossed in the scene, helping to feed the toddler. James and Remus were speaking quietly between them —or rather, Remus was recounting something and James nodded from time to time, frowning a little.

Severus did not let himself look at anyone for too long. Unlike Harry, he was glad to be left alone to sulk quietly. He had no idea why he felt sort of empty. It was always good news to be overlooked, especially by men like Sirius and James. His stomach should not close up the way it did.

The reason might be that Sirius was not actually ignoring him as thoroughly as James was. Severus had felt his occasional glances in the garden room and, even now at the table, he would sometimes spot a curious expression on his face when his grey eyes darted in his direction. Still, it was marvellous that James was busy with other people —Severus was forced to deal with him every day, so he did not miss their interactions at all.

He was careful to keep his own eyes down on his fork, which was diligently pushing his food around the plate. He wondered if he would actually get away with his petulant behaviour, if they would be too distracted to care about teaching him a lesson.

However, Lily was not his mother, who could often go through an entire meal with an empty expression on her face, not caring what Severus did or did not do —that is, until Tobias snapped at her to clear the table.

Lily nudged him halfway through dinner.

“Aren’t you hungry?” she whispered, kindly.

He shook his head, still watching his fork trace paths across the rice. He was well aware that not eating when they let him have food was almost as bad as getting caught stealing it. And yet, he could not bring himself to swallow a single bite.

“You entering a Miss Scrawny contest, lad?” Sirius’s voice cut through Severus’s already damaged front like jagged glass.

He had been so focused on anticipating Lily’s reaction that he had failed to notice the man’s gaze on him.

Sirius barked an obnoxious laugh at his own joke. Right away, Severus felt heat creeping up his neck, his cheeks, his ears, everywhere. James snorted, coughing shortly after in a very poor attempt to cover his first response. What happened next was just as fast.

The boy was still trying to decide whether to storm out or talk back when he felt movement to his left. He whipped his head to that side, where Lily had deftly drew her wand and was pointing it at Sirius.

“ _Silencio_!”

She sat back down without another word and glared ahead, as if challenging her friend to say something. However, once Severus managed to tear away from her his awestruck gaze, he saw that Sirius would not be saying anything at all, as he continued opening and closing his mouth without making a single noise, much to his indignation. Nevertheless, it took a couple of seconds for Severus to process that Lily had really performed magic on Sirius to render him literally speechless. Next to him, James’s amusement had turned into exaggerated horror. His brown eyes were extremely wide, whereas Severus’s black ones returned to Lily of their own accord. She had a smug smile on her face.

“How good were you at non-verbal spells, Sirius? ‘Cause that one’s going to be hell to reverse.”

On that occasion, it was Remus’s turn to burst into laughter and he did so shamelessly. Leaning to the side from behind James, he clapped Sirius on the back.

“You totally deserved that, you prat.”

His comment prompted James to start snickering as well.

“She did warn you, mate.”

Everyone at the table seemed to find the situation extremely funny, except for Sirius. Even Harry was gurgling happily, perhaps thinking that his godfather was just making silly faces again. Severus, however, did not dare express even the barest hint of approval. He was sure that James would be livid with rage, so his apparently good-natured reaction made no sense —it could not be genuine. Sirius did look upset, although he had busied himself with polishing off his food rather than kick the table or throw his plate at Lily. Still, even his behaviour could be explained, since he seemed to take his cue from James and so, there was nothing to do if the husband did not take offence.

It would likely help Severus understand better what was going on if he could gather up enough courage to look James in the eye and ascertain what expression exactly rested on his face. He was trying to do so when Lily broke his train of thought once more.

“You all right?”

He nodded, pushing his fork around a bit more. He had no idea why she had done something so stupid, either. After all, Sirius liked her and Harry. The insult had been mild at best and she had risked it anyway, whereas Severus could not even look up from his food. He should just ask to be excused from the table and stop bothering them. A new lump formed in his throat. He had been acting like a baby all day.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lily purse her lips and tear her intense green gaze away from him.

“See? This is why James didn’t tell you anything. I mean it, you’ve got to stop. Or you need to leave until you get it into your bloody thick skull that this here is a little boy and adults shouldn’t be picking on children. It’s up to you,” she concluded, with a note of finality in her voice.

Sirius opened his mouth right away to protest, forgetting he had yet to get his voice back. Annoyed and not looking at anyone, he snapped it shut. A heavy silence ensued and Severus felt panic rising inside him. Lily was making too much of it and the blame would fall on him sooner or later.

His eyes searched hers desperately, but she was not looking at him. He wanted to plead with her to desist. Whatever she was seeking to get was not worth it. Afterwards, James would have a right to be furious at her for making a scene. Besides, no one at the table was under any obligation to like him. Letting himself sulk had been a mistake —it had upset Lily, just not the way he would have expected.

As much as his thoughts were racing, no words came to his rescue. He glanced around nervously, in an attempt to guess what could happen next. His eyes crossed with James’s, but the man’s expression was strange and undecipherable. Severus was quick to look away and he shrank further into his seat.

“I think we could all use a minute to cool off,” said James, breaking the silence after a few seconds. His words sounded unexpectedly nonchalant. “Come, lad, help me take these things to the kitchen.”

His casual tone did not fool Severus, who felt his limbs go rigid at the implications of being alone with James. He forced himself to let out the air in his lungs and take a deep breath. Whatever the man had in mind, it could not be too brutal —not when he had actual guests and needed to move to another room to do it.

There was no use in dawdling and angering James any further, so Severus pushed his chair back and got up. He did not seek out Lily’s eyes or her protection, for he knew he would be disappointed if he did. Trying to control his shaking hands, he took his plate and his glace of juice. Right then, he would not have minded having something refreshing in his dry mouth, even if he did not think his body would cooperate to swallow it down. He refused to meet anyone’s eyes as he followed James to the kitchen.

“Leave your plate on the table. Your glass, too,” the man instructed upon entering, even though he left what he was carrying in the sink. He kept speaking in an unnervingly relaxed manner.

Not wanting to even think about it, Severus did as he was told, putting everything down on the smaller kitchen table. Quickly, he turned around, intending to go back to the living room in order to retrieve more dishes. However, luck was not on his side, as usual.

“Nuh-uh,” James’s voice stopped him dead in his tracks. That was it, the boy thought. He turned to face the wizard, tightening his fists. He would not cry. He would be brave. “Sit down and eat up.”

A second passed. Then, another. Severus was sure that he had heard wrong, or perhaps it was some twisted game he was too stupid to figure out. The startled question escaped his lips without his permission.

“W— What?”

James was staring back at him, but the boy failed to figure out what lay behind his eyes. Was he being mocked? Pitied? James shrugged, as if he had no concerns whatsoever. He had to be fooling around.

“You do need to eat, but I figured you’d rather do so in a quieter place.”

More slowly than he would ever admit, Severus processed the fact that he had not been brought to the kitchen for a punishment, but for a meal. Of course, James could be lying, but there was nothing to gain from it at present. He came closer and Severus still did not move.

“I’ll be just clearing the table and washing the dishes in the meantime, okay?”

He went away without waiting for an answer on Severus’s part. The boy remained rooted to the spot, even when he heard undistinguishable, hasty whispering among the adults in the living room. James came back shortly after, carrying another stack of plates, and frowned when he saw Severus failing to do the only thing he had been told to. Yet, not even the familiar feeling of wrongdoing prompted him to move his feet.

“This isn’t negotiable, Snape,” James threw back over his shoulder as he walked past him.

Severus scowled, but only until the man turned to face him fully.

“Not hungry,” he mumbled.

“I don’t care,” came the smooth retort from James’s position by the sink. “You’d better eat half of it by the time I’m done with the dishes.”

The implicit threat was delivered mildly, too, as if now that he had learnt how easy it was to frighten Severus he did not think it necessary to make a real effort. It was utterly stupid to wish for a tongue lashing or worse, though, as it was to reject food for no reason. Besides, as much as Severus would like to pretend he was not afraid, his nails were digging painfully into his palms, saying otherwise. And yet, he felt like he could not let James win without even knowing what the man was playing at.

“I don’t wanna eat!” he yelled, only to remember promptly that there were more people a few metres away. He let out a huff and focused on controlling his voice, so that it would not shake despite the lower volume. “You can’t make me.”

James’s frown returned to his face and the bite of the boy’s nails became harder.

“Actually, I can and I will. Sit down.”

Severus ignored the subtle change of tone and crossed his arms stubbornly —which he found nearly as comforting as hugging himself. His defiance sparked a swift response. James closed the distance between them and put a hand on his bony shoulder, paying no mind to his flinch. Although Severus could feel the firm grasp, he was taken aback when he realised that it did not hurt. Then, James turned him around and guided him to a chair, where the boy finally took a seat, offering no resistance.

Making a conscious effort to relax his tight fists, he breathed in and out, slowly, just like Lily had showed him. He reasoned that James had not needed to use his strength because Severus had failed to fight back. It was a logical conclusion. Yet, he had waited for James’s touch to be painful for a long time and it was difficult to shake off his bafflement right away.

James placed his dinner in front of him.

“Half of it,” he repeated.

Severus’s eyes followed him as he stepped away. Again, everything seemed to freeze around him —including his heartbeat— when James took out his wand and pointed ahead. The boy ducked his head at once, but no curse hit him. Cautiously, he peeked up, only to be filled with relief when he saw that the man was not even looking at him. His wand was not trained on the boy, either, but on the kitchen door, where cutlery came floating through. As soon as everything was in the sink, James put his wand away and started washing everything _by hand_.

Not wanting to push his luck any longer, Severus fixed his gaze back on his food. It had gone completely cold and he wished his mother or Lily were with him instead, since he could ask either of them to heat it up —wishes were free, albeit worthless, and so, he wished he could ask his mother to do magic whenever they needed it rather than whenever it was safe. If only he had not pulled his foolish stunt, he could also have taken advantage of James’s strange mood and asked him. He had to be cleverer if he wanted to become a Slytherin someday.

A brilliant idea came to mind. He glanced at James, who still had his back turned to him. Severus let his hands hover over his food and frowned in deep concentration. He tried to channel his magic, which was what wands did according to his mother. When it failed, he tried to feel it the way he did when he let out a burst of accidental magic, but that did not work, either. He buffed, drawing James’s attention, so he hurried to pick up his fork and take the first bite. He gobbled down a few more mouthfuls, but shortly after he stopped. It was as if chewing and swallowing required more effort than it was worth. He stole another glance at James and forced himself to take a small bite, chasing down the feeling with a sip of juice.

“My mum knows the Blacks.”

As soon as he had said it, he wondered why the hell he had opened his mouth. He had been reminding himself all day how lucky he was that James was not paying him any attention. Looking up, he saw that the man was still absorbed in his task.

“Mmm, really?”

“Yeah, really!” After a moment’s thought, his enthusiasm deflated a little. Sirius was likely too young to have met Eileen at Hogwarts. “Well, y’know, she knew ‘em... before,” he amended, unwilling to clarify the matter any further.

“Ah, I see. I’ve met some of them, too.”

James had the gall to snort at the end of his sentence, as if it were not something to be proud of. Severus scowled and was about to rebuke hotly when he thought better of it. Smarter, he must be smarter. The goal was to maintain James’s good mood while they were alone, not to irk him. Severus kept his temper and redirected the conversation.

“Makes sense Si— your friend can turn into a dog, right? Mr Lupin told me about Animagus... Animaguses?”

“Animagi,” supplied James rather helpfully, instead of laughing at his ignorance. For a brief moment, it threw Severus off.

“Yeah, Animagi. Makes sense, ‘cause Mum says them fucking Blacks are as powerful as they come. She always calls ‘em that, ‘fucking Blacks,’ ” he said, a hint of pride in his voice. Vaguely, he realised he was rambling. James was probably no longer listening to him, which was why he had not been interrupted yet. “They’re one of the good families, though,” he finished, feeling slightly self-conscious.

At last, James turned around and Severus experienced a renewed interest in his food.

“You shouldn’t talk like that.” The boy felt a blush cover his cheeks and glared down at the table. He did not care for James’s opinion and it should not have taken him by surprise to hear that the man did not understand. “Besides, I wouldn’t say they’re a family you’d like to belong to. Sirius certainly doesn’t.”

Fed up —and perhaps emboldened by James’s calm attitude—, Severus dropped his fork and turned around to glare at him openly.

“Whatcha mean?” he challenged, ready to jump to his feet.

“They’re a very old family, sure, but there’s nothing special about that.”

It struck Severus that James was not truly being patient. He was acting condescendingly, taking his mother’s teachings as nonsense just because a brat repeated them. He gripped the back of his chair tightly.

“They’re Purebloods! You don’t know nothing ‘bout that, but my mum—” he spat, only to be cut off by James’s warning.

“Watch your tone. And finish your meal,” he said evenly, though his jaw was clenched and he turned to face the sink again. “You’re eight, you’ve got no bloody business talking about blood purity.”

That ended the discussion as James dried and put away the dishes with several sharp flicks of his wand. Severus let his hair fall over his face and hide his scowl as he took great pleasure in glowering down at his food.

He did not know what he had done wrong that time. He had been talking well about Sirius’s family and showing he was not completely ignorant about the Wizarding world. For once, he had not intended to annoy James, at least later on in their talk. No one could have expected him to know that Sirius did not get along with his family. Eileen probably did not know Sirius existed in the first place. _Before_ had happened a long time ago, before Severus was born and before he forced his parents to stay together, even if they no longer liked each other.

He hunched down further into himself, unsure of what consequences his arrogant behaviour would bring. Was James just waiting for his friends to leave? Did he really not care enough to become angry at the boy’s disrespect? Why did he insist on feeding Severus, then, when he should be taking away his food? The last question made his cold dinner look even more unappetizing. He was sure he would soon find answers to those questions, although he had a feeling that he would not like them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it. Don't forget to let me know what you think!


	13. XII. Walking on Eggshells

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, **MouseInTheCastle** drew two adorable scenes with Sev and Mrs Plump ([ **here**](https://mouseinthecastle.tumblr.com/post/629694557781639168/little-severus-and-mrs-plump-from-ailec-12-s) and [**here**](https://mouseinthecastle.tumblr.com/post/629729900272730112/ok-listen-i-wasnt-going-to-post)) and made me happier than I can put into words. Check it out!
> 
> For the past few months, whenever I picked up the pen, I'd often feel like this story, what I want to tell, was bigger than me —too big, in fact. Let me tell you, dealing with self-doubt is so much easier when you've got supportive readers. So, if you're still reading, thank you. This chapter is for you all.

The day started off badly even before Severus could mess it up. He woke up to Harry’s shrills, which continued for an unusually long time. The boy listened attentively for any signs that things were getting worse, but the baby’s anguish was deafening. Just when Severus was starting to think he would go crazy, the screams ceased somewhat. Heavy footsteps down the stairs ensued shortly later.

He had busied himself with making the bed and tidying up the room a little, so the almost quiet suddenly felt unbearable. Opening the door a crack, he checked there was no one in the corridor, although soothing murmurs came from Harry’s room. A cold weight settled in his stomach and it did not disappear when he peeked in the toddler’s bedroom and found a tired-looking Lily rocking her son. Severus had not heard James yell, but his absence was telling all the same. Uneasy, he pushed the thought away.

“Harry okay?”

His question startled Lily right away, even though it had stumbled out of his lips in a barely audible whisper. When she recovered her smile, he forced himself not to relax. It should not even be an effort.

“Morning, Sev,” she greeted —it was the same every day. She changed her hold on Harry, who started crying again. There was an odd pull tugging at Severus and it was not because Lily’s smile had become slightly tighter. “He will be. He’s just feeling a bit under the weather right now.”

He bit his lip, unconvinced that it was so simple. Getting sick was always bad news: invariably, it led to exhausted mothers, angry fathers and a well-deserved punishment.

Another thought to push away.

Surely, Lily would not let James hurt their son seriously, even if he became a bother. She would probably undertake the entire job of caring for Harry and James would content himself with getting away from it all. A couple of days mostly free of the man’s presence sounded appealing to Severus, whose wishes rarely came true.

“Tell you what,” she said, breaking his train of thought. “Why don’t you go downstairs, have some breakfast and then we can brew for a while? I’ll need to restock quite a number of potions and I wouldn’t say no to an extra pair of hands.”

Excitement ran through his body very quickly, tickling each one of his fingertips and toes. He had thought he had missed his chance after Sirius’s impromptu visit, but Lily truly wanted his help. He was nodding energetically before even thinking about opening his mouth.

“What can I have for breakfast?” he let out in a single breath.

They always fed him, so he had no way to know which foods were off-limits. He was determined not to mess up, so checking seemed like the wisest choice.

“Ask James, he’s in the kitchen. I’m sure he won’t mind making whatever you’d like.”

At once, he opened his mouth to protest and, just as fast, he closed it. He wanted to say that no one needed to cook breakfast for him, that he knew better than to make a nuisance of himself. Saying any of that out loud would be stupid, though. He was far too relaxed around Lily —she would not likely take kindly to being bothered at a time like that and, besides, he would be bad-mouthing her husband. He hesitated.

“I ain’t hungry,” he said instead, already mourning the loss of a perfect breakfast. “I can help you with Harry.”

Her expression softened and it shocked him to realise he was both cause and recipient of that change. She took a couple of steps towards him, but then stopped abruptly.

“That’s very sweet, darling, but I don’t want you to catch it. He’s crying a lot, too, so that’s no fun. James is expecting you for breakfast. It’s his turn to watch over Harry afterwards, so we can brew together.”

Severus was not surprised that Lily had caught up on the real reason for his reluctance, so he sighed forlornly and headed downstairs.

All in all, putting up with James was a small price to pay for making potions without the fear of his father coming back sooner than expected. James’s strange mood lately did not seem inclined to berate him, whereas Tobias was rarely in the mood not to. Even if James regretted the lost chance of the previous day and burnt his breakfast or something equally petty, Severus was set on taking it and not uttering a single complaint.

And yet, he was unable to say a word when James turned around and looked at him expectantly. Being unpredictable also made the man much more dangerous.

“I guess you’re here for breakfast?” he asked, after several seconds of stilted silence. Despite knowing that he just needed to nod, Severus was paralysed by the fear of sounding greedy. “Right. What would you like?”

James sounded like he wanted to be annoyed, but did not know very well how to pull off that sort of voice. The boy chose the only safe option that came to mind. He shrugged and muttered a ‘Don’t care’ that, of course, came across the wrong way. In another bizarre turn of events, the man just took a deep breath and faced the counter.

“Take a seat, it’ll be just a sec.”

For once, he did not hesitate before doing as he had been told. He was honestly frustrated at his own cowardice. He had had no problems to snap at James before and so, he failed to understand why all of a sudden even breathing felt harder when the two of them were alone.

Fortunately, breakfast was ready in no time, as James prepared it with magic, leaving shortly after. The food looked and smelt delicious, but once again, his stomach closed off without a warning. Severus toyed with it for a bit, trying to think. In the end, since the queasy feeling remained and no one had come to check in on him, he decided to wrap it all in paper towels, praying they would not notice how the roll had become thinner. He drank the milk in a few gulps and put his plate and empty glass in the sink, where a few other dishes were waiting to be washed.

Upstairs, he was greeted by a mix of soft voices and cries coming from the end of the corridor that let him know the adults had their hands full with Harry. As he added new choices to his food stash —finally restored to its original place under the bed—, he noticed something smelt slightly off. He was aware that stale food could sometimes make one sick, but he had also been fine on other occasions, so he was unsure where the line was. Although he would rather avoid a stomachache and other unpleasant consequences altogether, it seemed a waste to throw away everything he had managed to save so far.

Silence returned to the house for another brief moment and Severus hurried to put everything back and get out from underneath the bed. Lily had already been about to catch him once, so he was not going to risk it a second time with both of them nearby. He could think about the food issue later.

* * *

Lily’s brewing room was everything he had thought his mother’s must have looked like when she still lived as a Prince. Two of the walls were completely covered by shelves with dozens —perhaps hundreds— of tall jars and tiny vials. There was also a small assortment of books, beakers and other instruments Severus had never seen before scattered around the room. A worn wooden table was pushed against the third wall, just beneath a window with drawn drapes. The place was dark, but Lily quickly lit up several candles with a few strokes of her wand. His mother had said real wizards and witches did not use electricity and that was the first room where there were no lightbulbs —thus, confirming Eileen was right. This was the place where true magic happened. It might be the reason why the glow of Lily’s candles felt more comforting than the scraps of wax his family used when the power was down again.

While Lily filled half a cauldron with water and checked the recipe in an old book, she assigned him to pick up the ingredients as she read them aloud. She even thought of providing him with a footstool before he was caught in the embarrassing position of having to ask for one. It did not take long for Severus to find out that she was an exceptionally patient teacher —which was not a shock, but reassuring all the same.

He could feel his hands shake as he picked up the jars one by one, carefully putting each one on the table before climbing back up to get the next one. There were many unknown ingredients, including several dark bottles of something labelled ‘Aconite.’ Severus knew he had heard that name before, but could not place it except for a feeling of danger associated with it. He soon forgot about the plant, since they were not using it, and focused his attention on Lily’s next instructions. His mother had certainly instilled the importance and value of potions ingredients in him.

He was able to weigh each one after reading the recipe for the cough potion himself, although it was Lily who cut them and he did not dare complain. Back home, he was always tasked with preparing everything so that he could learn, but as much as he looked forward to showing off, he was not so stupid as not to know their present session was a test. Should Lily not deem him a nuisance, he might get to join her on other occasions.

It was as he watched her delicately stir the first couple of ingredients in the cauldron that a horrifying realisation dawned on him. While he was relaxed and engrossed in brewing, a very sick, very loud Harry had been left in James’s care. The young mother did not look worried at all, but Severus suddenly remembered he had failed to tell her what had happened in the kitchen the night before. It was a serious mistake, even if he wanted to blame James for keeping up his charade instead of making sure to teach a lesson the boy did not forget. Severus should know better. After all, he was used to warning his mother whenever he got his father in a bad mood.

Twisting the hem of his T-shirt, he racked his brains for a way to bring up the incident while Lily added some root powder. They had to wait before stirring the potion again, so he knew there was no option but to speak up right then. It would not do to distract Lily and ruin Harry’s medicine.

“I… I think I crossed James last night,” he blurted out. He felt a wave of panic rush over him when green eyes turned in his direction. “I swear I didn’t mean to, though!”

There was a second of stillness that had him regret having opened his mouth. However, it was the toddler who would suffer the brunt of his actions. He may not be better than his father, as Tobias liked to point out, but Harry did not deserve to be punished when he was already feeling poorly. When Lily finally replied, all her attention was focused on him.

“Are you sure? What happened? He hasn’t said anything.”

That made no sense —James had not done anything he could possibly need to hide from his wife. Nothing made sense and Severus’s throat was very dry. He hardly dared hope that, by some miracle, he was really safe from his lapse of judgement. He looked away from Lily and fixed his gaze on the tight grip his hands had on each other.

“Well, when we were in the kitchen, he said bad stuff ‘bout his friend’s family, ‘bout the Blacks. Mum’s told me ‘bout them, they’re older than the Princes!” His eyes snapped back up of their own accord. “And… And James said I didn’t know what I was talking about, so I said _he_ doesn’t know nothing ‘bout pure-bloods. And then, then…”

He had no idea how to continue and felt an immediate relief washing his panic away when she put a reassuring hand over his, effectively stilling their wringing.

“I’m sure he knows you meant no offence and he isn’t cross with you. He didn’t say anything else?” she asked, sounding puzzled.

Severus was confused by the whole affair as well and hoped Lily would at least clear up the latest mystery for him.

“He said I had to finish my supper, but then let me have dessert even though I didn’t eat half of it.”

Her only reaction was a long sigh and a quick squeeze to his hands. Severus understood —he knew he should not have had dessert. Nevertheless, what he wanted to know was why James had bothered in the first place.

“This man… You see, I’m Muggle-born, but James is pure-blood. His family just doesn’t care for it the way the Blacks do.”

Lily had said it almost offhandedly, as if it were a perfectly likely outcome, but Severus could not help gaping openly upon learning the man’s actual status. He had truly made a fool of himself.

“You couldn’t know,” she hurried to reassure him. “I’m sure James isn’t upset. He should’ve cleared up the matter himself.”

All that time, he had assumed they were Muggle-borns, although he would not have been as shocked if he had found out one of them was a half-blood like himself —like Harry, too, apparently. Being a pure-blood changed things, though. It may even have helped to explain why James hated him so much —the way his mother talked about the importance of wizarding families, the boy had come to expect pure-bloods would be a bunch of stuck-up snobs looking down on him, at least until he proved his worth. And yet, Lily had said James did not care for blood status and his marriage as well as his reaction to someone praising the Blacks seemed to confirm it.

Severus wanted to run and, for a second, he actually entertained the idea of making a dash for the front door under the pretence of going to the loo. He swallowed both his embarrassment and his feeble plan, though. Who cared if James loathed him for being stupid or dirty or a good-for-nothing half-blood. He had been living with them for days, he could make it until the end. He thought of his mother, of the stories he would tell her. Once again, he felt the most terrifying question on the tip of his tongue. That, too, he choked back. He could not simply ask when she was coming back. He told himself it would sound ungrateful and childish, even more so since Lily was so good to him. Yet, somewhere in his head a voice mocked him, insisting the actual reason why he did not dare ask was fear of the answer.

“The potion’s about to boil,” he said, both to fill the silence outside and still the noise inside. He also hoped Lily would drop the matter of her husband.

It worked, as she turned around with a start and hurried to complete the next step. For a while, they worked in a comfortable silence, even though the memory of his mother resisted going away completely. Her longest rants about the past had often taken place over a cauldron.

“Lily, can I ask a question?”

It was out before his brain could catch up on what he had said. Thus, he was forced to go on.

“Of course, darling.”

That time, her soft smile only made things harder. His eyes found a more interesting view in the covered window.

“Is ‘Mudblood’ a very bad word?”

He could barely get his voice out and, on this occasion, the silence was longer and far colder. He clenched his jaw.

“You _knew_ — H– How do you know that word?”

Lily sounded almost scared —angry as well, like the day she had found out about his injuries. Something in her voice matched the strange intensity he saw in her eyes when he felt compelled to turn around and get ready for whatever was coming. If his question alone had provoked that reaction, he already had his answer. He tried to fix it or, at the very least, avoid angering her any further.

“Mum uses it sometimes, when she’s cross. Says I shouldn’t say it at Hogwarts, though, ‘cause Dumbledore won’t like it.”

He watched Lily attentively, waiting for her next move. She stared at him for a while longer, before drawing a deep breath.

“All right, let’s… Let’s just finish the potion so we can talk, okay?”

He did not think she was truly waiting for his acquiescence, but he nodded anyway. Besides, it made sense, the cough potion was almost done, it would be foolish to be careless at that point. When the liquid reached the perfect colour, she did not even bother to bottle it. Instead, she took his hand, surprisingly gently, and guided him to the low bench against the wall. She did not let go even after they had both taken a seat. Severus felt his muscles tense as thoughts of running came to mind again.

“Severus, d’you know what that word means?”

She was deadly serious, using the same tone he had heard before, when she had wanted James to stop fooling around. Back then, he had thought it sounded intimidating. At the moment, he could feel it.

“M– Muggle-born.”

His ears burnt at the admission. He had been a complete idiot. How had he thought of asking such a thing to _her_? It could not be a nice word if he should not use it at school! He had been aware that it was a bad word, though. He had only wanted to know exactly how terrible it was and why, because his mother never told him anything. She only became angry at Muggle-borns tainting the magical world, as if she did not live in a house where magic was forbidden.

Still, he had no one to blame but himself for the mess he had just created. He remained clueless about the issue and had managed to upset Lily, who must be disgusted with him at that point. She was surely regretting ever showing him any sort of affection, seeing him for what he truly was…

A hand under his chin startled him out of his gloomy train of thought. With eyes wide open, he saw Lily scoot closer and felt the hand leave his face to rest on his shoulder. Before he could shrink away from her, she started talking and the world around them became a little less real.

“It’s indeed a very hurtful word and your mother shouldn’t have used it. Shouldn’t use it, ever, even if she’s cross. It’s meant to make us, Muggle-borns, feel lesser than other magical folk. Y’know what, though? Blood doesn’t matter one bit when you receive your Hogwarts letter or when you finally get your wand and perform your first spell. Pure-bloods aren’t better than us.” She let go of his hand to take hold of his other shoulder. It felt less like a trap and more like an anchor. “Do you understand this, Severus?”

She stressed her last question, but she was holding herself slightly more relaxed. The boy nodded and, when she asked again, as if in reassurance, he nodded and lied once more. Lily seemed to let out all her remaining tension in a sigh and, with a tiny smile, asked him whether he wanted to help with the fever-reducing potion next. He nodded again, his thoughts straying elsewhere.

What she had explained so easily was out of his grasp. Family had to matter: pure-bloods had the useful connections, the right reputation, the money. If Eileen had married someone like her, her children’s lives would been much happier than Severus’s. And yet, he had seen Lily’s magic. It had been undistinguishable from James’s in power. She had also seemed unbothered to be surrounded by people different from her and Severus realised with a bit of panic that he did _not_ want his mother to be right. He wanted to be able to look up to Lily rather than James or Sirius. There was something dreadful and freeing in admitting it to himself.

* * *

Despite Harry’s current state, Lily was trying to follow their usual routine and had sat with Severus after lunch to help him practise with the quill. However, the toddler’s increasing cries made it impossible to focus. She had already had to get up several times: to fetch the recently brewed potions, to help James administer some chest rub so that Harry could breathe more easily, to offer to take him for a while. Yet, nothing seemed to settle the baby down and each coughing fit was followed by pitiful sobs. Tobias would have given his son a real reason to cry, but James only looked desperate to comfort his child.

Severus thought of the conversation he had eavesdropped. The couple had sacrificed a lot for Harry and seemingly had no regrets —yet, anyway. They really loved him. It was a puzzling thing to consider. Learning about the actual existence of magic probably felt just like that to Muggle-borns.

When James asked Lily —for the umpteenth time— why the bloody cough potion was not working, she sighed and turned to Severus, who was trying to block some of the noise by laying half his face on his left arm as he struggled to reproduce the words from the book.

“Let’s call it a day, Sev. You can go play now. It’ll probably be quieter in the garden room. Or your bedroom, if you prefer.”

The boy considered protesting, since they had barely started. However, he could not wait to escape Harry’s shrills.

“Can I take the book?”

Lily nodded, although she was already distracted by the child James was bouncing unsuccessfully. Thus, Severus hurried to jump to his feet and picked up the history book Remus had gifted him —the mere thought was still overwhelming enough that, every time, Severus chose to focus his attention on other things.

He headed to the garden room, where he could pretend for a while that there were no dangers, no people to be wary of. As a plus, the game of Gobstones lay forgotten there and he played a couple of rounds by himself, basking in a silence only broken by fake bird songs. When he got bored, he tried climbing the tree and found a rather cosy spot on a low, large branch. He explored a bit more and then went to recover his book, climbed back up and cuddled up against the trunk. The book absorbed him at once and he only stopped his reading when Lily’s voice let him know supper was ready.

As he jumped down to the ground, he noticed a few yellow lilies that had popped up among the grass, just beneath the spot he had occupied. He stared at them for a long while, marvelled at the most beautiful thing his magic had ever conjured.

* * *

Severus was bored and sluggish and, all in all, not feeling very well. He had been unable to get much sleep that night, since Harry had woken up a couple of times and his guard had been up as soon as he had heard the adults hurrying to the toddler’s bedroom. Lily and James had surely not slept a wink and, since they did not seem inclined to snap at their son, Severus knew who would be the easiest target for their ire when they had finally had enough.

So far, they had been rather absent-minded, which was always preferable to irritable. They still remembered to feed him and had left him to his own devices all morning. It was a good thing they had decided to stay upstairs that day, because he liked the feeling of having the living room to himself. Besides, strong noises irritated Mrs Plump, who had come to seek refuge with him. They were currently lying down on the rug between the couch and the telly. She was purring next to him, enjoying his fingers scratching her behind the ears. It should have been perfect —and in a way it was—, but he felt boredom quickly creeping up on him.

He was not even sure what he did want to do. He did not feel like reading, though perhaps he should go to the garden room, see if Mrs Plump could climb trees like the cats in comic books. He had entertained for a brief moment the idea of switching the telly on. Yet, like many other things, he did not dare. The noise could make James come down and, even if they had not specifically forbidden it, they had certainly not given him permission to touch their things.

Instead of being grateful for the respite, he was whining in his head like a spoiled brat. He should not need to be entertained, that was for babies like Harry. As much as he hated the feeling, though, he could not help it.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps. His fingers stilled in the cat’s fur and all of him focused on discerning who was descending the stairs. True to Severus’s luck, it was James.

The boy sat up as soon as the man stepped into the living room. Mrs Plump let out a high-pitched sound, disgruntled at having her snuggling session cut short. By then, James had spotted him and it was the only thing Severus could pay attention to. There were no coherent thoughts running through his head, just the self-admonishment that he should never have lowered his guard in such an open space.

He was half expecting that James would yell at him what the bloody hell he thought he was doing, but when the man opened his mouth, he only said,

“You okay?”

Once the first wave of panic had passed, Severus noticed that James actually looked quite baffled. His eyes were fixed on the boy, but they were blinking rather than glaring at him. Belatedly, he realised his own exaggerated reaction made him look like he had been caught red-handed. He willed his tongue to respond, not even stopping to think about how odd it was that James had asked that question in the first place.

Since his mouth refused to form words, he contented himself with a couple of far-too-energetic nods. Instinctively, he sought out Mrs Plump’s warmth and was glad to find the animal still by his side, head-butting his ribs. By some odd chance, James was satisfied with his answer, even though there were still traces of doubt on his face. After a moment in which it looked like he would say something else, he walked briskly towards the kitchen and, shortly after, emerged from it with a baby’s bottle and a bowl. He went back upstairs without another word and Severus felt his entire body finally relaxing.

It occurred to him that neither of the adults had been in the kitchen long enough to cast a cleaning charm after using it. Normally, they kept the house pretty tidy, which Severus wondered whether it had always been the case or was the product of their current lockdown. Cautiously, listening for the slightest sound, he tiptoed to the kitchen, with Mrs Plums right behind. What he saw confirmed that James and Lily had been too busy to sort out anything since the previous night.

The sink was full of plates and glasses waiting to be washed. In addition, everything that had been used within the last few hours remained on the counter. Once again, the vision of so much food carelessly lying around made him hesitate at the door frame.

So far, he had not truly been required to do anything in exchange for staying and James had not even reacted to seeing him lying idly. He did not want to give them any ideas about his actual ability to earn his keep, but he also had experience of being the scapegoat and knew he would not be given much warning in advance. If they were indeed too stressed out for housework, it was likely they would notice the boy lazing around their home and decided to use him to vent their frustrations. Fear was an equally paralysing emotion, but that time the sight of half open food containers reminded him that lunchtime was getting closer and presenting a clean kitchen could not hurt his chances of getting another good meal.

Feeling a new sense of resolution, he started by clearing out the counter. He was too small to reach the highest cupboards, but far from letting it stop him in his new endeavour, he pushed a chair closer, always careful to avoid making a ruckus. He was more worried when he realised he did not know the right place for every item, although he did his best to guess and hoped he was not messing it up too much.

Then, he moved the chair so that he could stand up in front of the sink and turned on the tap to let the saucepan and plates soak as he started to wash one of the glasses. However, only once he was done with it did he notice the lack of drying rack. He looked round, trying to find at least a rag he could use to let things dry on the counter.

“What are you doing?”

The voice came out of nowhere, startling him. Before he could process what was happening, he was falling.

He managed not to lose his balance completely when his arm perched on the sink, but the glass had slipped from his grasp and tumbled into the water, hitting ceramic on its way down. Briefly, he looked back and saw James resting against the door frame, his arms crossed. Lily was quickly walking towards him and Severus’s panic finally kicked him to do something other than stare stupidly.

He turned around and fished the glass out of the sink. All air seemed to leave his lungs at once when he saw it was not damaged. He hurried to show it to them.

“I– I didn’t break it, see? It’s fine!” His face grew hotter as he heard his own high-pitched, breathless voice.

Nevertheless, Lily did not laugh and James kept quiet as well, not a sound leaving his mouth. She was gentle when she took the glass from Severus and put it down, while he glanced from one to another, trying to figure out what the matter was. They were both looking back at him and he started to feel dread gathering up in the pit of his stomach. It would seem he had miscalculated at some point.

“You don’t need to do the dishes,” said Lily. Her voice was very low and very soft, as if he were her precious perfect baby rather than a boy too stupid to understand what she was saying.

Once again, his eyes found James, but the man only stared — _frowned_ — at him and did not argue with Lily. Utterly lost, Severus turned his attention back to her.

“O– Only wanted to h– help. I can do it, I swear.”

He tried to bit his lip in order to stop it from trembling, but Lily’s expression turned pained upon hearing his desperation and he felt on the verge of losing his composure. To top it all, he did not need to look at James to feel his growing frustration. Unfortunately, he did not have the faintest clue how to fix it.

“We know, we aren’t cross. And we appreciate it, but it’s not your job to clean up after us. It’s all right.”

Severus might be an idiot, but even he could tell Lily did not mean it. Nothing was ever okay for too long. He could not think of anything else to say, though. And so, he did not fight it when she helped him off the chair and told him to watch telly while she and James made lunch. The boy was convinced they intended to have a talk. Regardless of their reason for it, it did not feel like good news at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to Mary for putting up with me and my endless questions.  
> I look forward to reading your thoughts on this chapter. Coming in two weeks, _Chapter XIII: A Strange Punishment_.


	14. XIII. A Strange Punishment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **MouseInTheCastle** keeps killing me with adorable fanart. This time, [**Lily and Sev**](https://mouseinthecastle.tumblr.com/post/633033776633610240/ailec-12-s-house-potter-for-children-in-need). I love it!  
> The response to the last chapter was amazing as usual. I feel so very lucky, thank you. I hope you will all enjoy this one, too.
> 
> This chapter deals with sickness in a very detailed manner. Proceed with caution if you have any illness-related phobias.

Severus was sure it must be a punishment. Certainly, no other options came to mind.

He was back to studying, which was good news, because he liked learning and enjoyed the quiet. Besides, it may well be his only chance to avoid showing up at Hogwarts like a complete cretin. Even if Lily had indeed devised it as a way to keep him from lazing around, that part did not feel like a punishment for the boy. No, the current source of his unhappiness was the wizard sitting in front of him.

She had worded it nicely as usual —said she needed to finish a new batch of chest rub as well as some more cough potion. She would also be keeping an eye on Harry, who was asleep, so that James could keep him company. Severus would have been perfectly fine with being alone —after all, she was under no obligation to spend time with him and he did not care. However, she apparently thought he needed supervision to deter him from slacking off. James had gone along with it easily, as if they had made the decision earlier. One could only imagine what his first reaction had been.

Severus had not protested at all, knowing it would be fighting a losing battle. Perhaps he should have, though. He should have said no, thrown a tantrum worthy of a walloping and got sent to his bedroom afterwards. He still had food, he would not even have gone hungry. Above all, he would not have been forced to endure an entire evening of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

He scowled down at the ink stains that should have been letters. James’s presence was not helping at all. Earlier, he had nearly knocked over the ink bottle when the man had put down his magazine and taken a seat across him. In the end, James had only wanted some parchment and had been compiling some sort of list while glancing at the magazine. The silence was heavy.

Discreetly, Severus peeked up. James seemed to have finished whatever he was doing and was looking at the boy’s book with a very bored expression on his face. Severus would love to know what game was being played there, but he had no experience to draw on —Tobias never had enough patience for games. Things would be different if, at least, he knew why they had been so displeased at his attempt to help around the house. He was sure he could have done things better, but it was not as if he had splashed soapsuds everywhere or wasted hot water. Once again, he felt resentment at Lily bubbling hot in his throat, even if he had no right to even dream of her choosing him over her son. He was lucky James had barely opened his mouth —until that moment, anyway.

“Y’know, glowering at the parchment isn’t going to make the ink blots go away. You should scrape the excess off against the inkwell more thoroughly and keep a light grip on the quill.”

Severus’s grasp on the damn quill actually tightened. He kept his eyes down, trying to muster up some self-control. Yet, the urge to lash out pushed against his tongue as he grew angrier by the minute. He wanted to give them a taste of his own bitterness and James was a deserving target. He looked up, straight ahead.

“Piss off. You don’t wanna be here and I won’t fucking tell. I ain’t a bloody telltale.”

His courage held on strong for several seconds, but the time continued ticking by and James only lifted his eyebrows, a look of mild disbelief behind his glasses. What he had done dawned slowly on Severus, who froze like a deer caught in the headlights. He cursed in his head, because a couple of sentences had been enough to make him lose it. In addition to swearing, he had told James to piss off and James was not saying anything.

He thought of stammering out an apology, but dismissed it and chose to wait instead. The man was likely mulling over his options and Severus being weak might only spur him on. It felt like a really long time before the quiet was broken.

“Scolding you about language is getting old pretty fast.” Both the smirk and the light tone were extremely jarring. Severus’s blood ran cold. “Relax, it was just a suggestion. I’m not going anywhere, but I’ll shut up.”

The boy kept staring while his nails dug into his palms —he forced the muscles in his right hand to loosen up lest he snapped the quill in half. It was already odd that James had not gone berserk right away, but Severus did not know how to process that last sentence. It almost sounded as an apology, an admittance —to him of all people— that an adult had been annoying. It was deeply unlikely and ridiculous.

Despite his words, James got up. A tiny hope grew in Severus, but it was soon crushed when the man walked to the huge bookcase and started going through the drawers. Letting out the breath he had not completely realised he was holding, Severus lowered his head and resumed his work. Apparently, making sure to remove the excess ink did work, even if he had to dip the quill more often.

After a while, James found what he had been looking for and returned to the table. Severus looked up, not bothering to hide his wariness, but the man was only carrying a small, rectangular box.

“Have you nearly finished?”

He shrugged. Should he indeed be done by then? He neither knew nor wanted to give the wrong answer.

“Wrap it up, will you?” James went on, for once seemingly unbothered by his surly silence. “I reckon you’ve been at it long enough.”

Severus would rather copy the whole book by hand than submit to whatever James had in mind, but once more, he had just received an order disguised as a request. He nodded, not without a scowl, and put the cork on the inkwell, leaving the sentence he had been writing unfinished. There was no point in delaying the inevitable and it was an exercise in penmanship anyway, so no one would care. As soon as he stacked the parchment neatly by his side, James took his earlier seat and showed him the box.

“Ever played Exploding Snap?”

Very slowly and still convinced that any move could be his next faux pas, he shook his head. At least he had heard of that game. His mother used to have a deck and she swore she had showed it to him when he was barely older than a baby. However, the deck had been lost ever since Severus could remember and she had either not been able to find it or not cared enough to look for it. She might also have lied, knowing very well the fate of the magical cards. He had obsessed with the matter a few years ago, but had finally accepted it was another thing he would have to try out at Hogwarts.

And yet, at that very surreal moment, he had the chance to write a different story.

“C’mon, I’ll show you,” announced James.

Despite himself, Severus felt his body leaning forward. He had no idea about the real reasons for playing, but if the man thought he could make him regret accepting his offer, it was because he did not know Severus at all. He had plenty of experience of losing and taking the heat. He could keep his temper in check long enough to learn to play.

The moment the cards were out, they started to shuffle on their own between the wizards, just a few inches above the table. Severus was enthralled by their vertiginous speed, which made it impossible to distinguish the images painted on them. It was James’s voice what broke the spell, startling him ever so slightly. Thankfully, the man did not seem to notice.

“All right, there are several versions. Most children learn the classical one first, but you need a wand or the cards may explode when you touch them.” Severus tried to conceal his alarm, but judging by the other’s expression, he was not very successful. “It may hurt a little, nothing really bad or permanent. We don’t need that to be your first experience with this game, though,” James hurried to reassure him, chuckling. Severus gave him a tiny nod, either to show he was paying attention or agreeing. He would leave the interpretation up to James. “So, since we’ve got no spare wands lying around, I say we play the patience game.”

The boy bit his lip. Everything felt extremely solemn all of a sudden. He made a more solid attempt to keep a neutral expression when James drew his wand and pointed it at the deck. Tapping on top, he whispered ‘Patientia’ and, at once, the cards stopped their chaotic shuffling and divided into two identical stacks, which in turn flew to each of the players. Severus hesitated to take his, but saw that James had already started to put each card in front of him so that only he could see its picture. When Severus tried, the enchanted cards remained effectively standing. Now that he could take a closer look, he saw all of them had burnt marks and black stains.

Once they were explained, the rules sounded pretty straightforward. Even so, he had to admit he was nervous about the exploding part. It was far too plausible that James had downplayed the risk and a nasty surprise was waiting for Severus later on in the game.

Nevertheless, the first time the cards exploded near his hand because he had not been quick enough to either find a pair or put them down sooner, there were no taunts or burst of laughter. Embarrassingly enough, he had got a big scare, one of those that he could not control as hard as he tried and that nearly made him fall off the chair. James had looked at him in silence for a few seconds and, when Severus had failed to move, he had only asked if he was all right. He even sounded genuine, although it was probably just a good front.

After a few turns, Severus very reluctantly realised how good James was at the game. Still, the man remained mostly quiet during their first round and, as surprising as it was, the atmosphere felt anything but stiff. In the second round, James did begin to offer some advice here and there. His earlier overreaction was still fresh in Severus’s mind, so he accepted everything with a nod and renewed determination to improve. He failed to understand why the advice bothered him so much despite needing it, but James was not the only one who could pretend.

They played a few rounds. Severus got the hang of it eventually, even though he was still far from being able to beat anyone. Truthfully, it was a relief that he had no real chance to win, so that he could play without worrying about showing James up.

The rest of the evening passed in a blur. He could feel a headache coming at the tension he had been accumulating and so, when Lily had come back carrying with her a miserable and still lightly feverish Harry, Severus had taken the opportunity to go upstairs and wash before dinner. The shower had made him feel a little more aware of his surroundings and, especially, ready to face dinner. Alas, it also led to some intrusive and very unwelcome thoughts regarding the real reason behind James’s odd behaviour.

Lily had claimed her husband was not cross with Severus for his talking back, but the boy knew better. Besides, he had sworn at James just before the man had decided to play the good host. The daunting question as to why stayed with him while he put on his pyjamas. There must be something to be gained from those games. Luring him into a false sense of security seemed the obvious answer, but it did not make much sense when he thought about it for a while. Certainly, James did not need to wait for him to make a mistake when Severus had already made plenty. He had snapped back, refused to do as he was told, raised his voice and swore. James could have chosen to punish him at any time.

Perhaps he did not want Lily to see him like that. The thought occurred to Severus out of the blue. Even though the boy had been upset with her earlier, she was always nice to him and had stood up for him on more than one occasion. She had not taken kindly to him being insulted, either. Perhaps James wished to keep her happy. If a little bizarre, it did fit with what could be his goal for behaving around Severus. Yet, no one would put up with a nasty boy just to please someone else. The reasoning was flawed and figuring out why was making his head hurt again. James might want to pretend to be friendly so that, when he had had enough, Lily would believe the punishment was fair and well deserved, rather than administered out of pure loathing. Severus needed to figure out James’s stratagem as soon as possible, but racking his brains was only succeeding in making his headache worse, so he made an effort to push away those thoughts for the time being.

At dinner, Harry refused to eat, wailing whenever his mother tried to turn him just the slightest bit away from her. Severus saw the exhausted look that both parents shared over their meal. It did not matter that they remained patient with the toddler, the lead weight forming in Severus’s stomach predicted trouble.

Indeed, the situation did not improve when Harry woke up crying in the middle of the night once again. Lily and James would snap at some point —each in their own fashion, probably, but they would. Adults did not tolerate burdensome brats. And, if they were truly able to control themselves around their son, it only meant that they would take it out on Severus sooner or later.

For better or for worse, the older boy had felt his mind unusually foggy that night when he had woken up to Harry’s shrills. It had helped him fall back asleep quickly, even if his dreams were somewhat uncomfortable and restless.

The following morning, Severus understood better why a headache was still trying to split his head in two and why he felt tired and sore all over. He woke up to the nasty but certain surprise that he was sick. It was not fair, he wanted to scream. He had not been anywhere near the damn baby. Life was never fair, though, so he gathered up all his remaining strength and got out of bed.

To make things harder, only James and Harry were in the kitchen when he arrived. The toddler was dozing off in his high chair and did not acknowledge Severus, who could not help letting his attention linger on the peaceful baby. James spotted him in one of his frequent looks back at his son.

“Morning,” he whispered as he stopped cooking for a second and pointed at the table with his chin. “Sit down, breakfast will be ready right away.”

Severus did as he had been told, trying not to make much of Lily’s absence. Thinking still hurt. He rested his chin on the table, his legs moving underneath. Shortly after, a generous plate of toast and a tall glass of orange juice were shoved his way, making his head snap up. His stomach churned at the sight of so much food.

He glanced at James, who was waking Harry up with soft words about needing to eat. There was no escape that time. James was not going away and surely expected to have to care for only one brat —his. Severus had better start eating and avoid drawing attention to himself.

As soon as he did, though, he found out it also hurt to swallow. He began to break a piece of toast into smaller pieces, hoping to gain some time between bite and bite. Meanwhile, Harry was fussing and still rejecting most of the food, but James had put him on his lap and was gently coaxing him to open his mouth. At least there were no cries at the time, just the baby trying to stay close to his father. It was such an odd view: James looked absolutely knackered, but every one of his movements was calm and careful. A different sort of ache settled in Severus’s throat. He was determined to ignore it as well.

“Where’s Lily?” he murmured, unwilling to shatter the quiet completely.

“She was dead on her feet last night, so today she’s sleeping in,” replied James absent-mindedly, barely glancing up.

Severus narrowed his eyes in suspicion before he could consider the wisdom of such an action.

“You’re tired, too.”

James’s attention was finally torn from Harry upon hearing his accusation and he frowned at the boy, who wondered why he had chosen to open his big mouth. Yet, the thought that Lily may be injured while he was eating and chatting away was too much to bear. The man had certainly been charming to his wife so far, but his mother used to tell him that Tobias had also been quite nice at first.

James let out a sudden snort and all the tension in his features drained away.

“She’s fine, lad. She didn’t catch it and will be right as rain after getting some rest. You’ll see for yourself in a couple of hours.”

“Sure,” the boy retorted sulkily, not meeting the brown eyes anymore. Of course James would just pretend they were talking about a silly cold.

He heard a heavy sigh, accompanied by a tiny gurgle from Harry. He was glad the oblivious baby was feeling better already, but it did not change the bad aftertaste that the toast left in his mouth.

* * *

Not long after, Lily had come down and she did in fact look all right. She had pecked her husband on the lips right after checking Harry’s temperature, which turned out to be normal at last. Then, she had approached Severus, taking him completely aback when she had kissed the top of his head and had run her fingers through his hair. He had practically croaked a ‘Fine’ when she had asked how he was.

Perhaps she was really okay. Her show of affection to James, he could understand —it was always clever to sweeten them up. However, she looked truly happy and volunteered to read with Severus while James kept Harry entertained. It would have been a nice morning, except for the fact that Severus’s throat kept hurting more and more and, judging by Harry’s symptoms, it would only get worse.

He had experience of concealing his sickness, but then again, he was also used to spending hours outside, so that he did not need to pretend all the time. However, he was sure that trying to excuse himself and hide in his room would raise questions from Lily.

He could make it, he tried to encourage himself when her luring voice became distant for a couple of seconds. He pinched his leg under the table after his thoughts failed to chase away the dizziness he felt. He focused his gaze harder on the text in front of him. And, when his nose became blocked up, he breathed through his mouth as inconspicuously as he was able to. He used every trick he knew and, as a result, he did not listen to a single word that Lily was saying. Nevertheless, as long as there were no coughing fits —he could have shuddered at the mere thought—, he knew he would be fine.

Later on in the afternoon, while Harry was napping peacefully nearby, Lily convinced them to play Gobstones. James did not put up a fight and Severus was too worn out to even think about it, so the three of them sat down on the living room rug and played for a while. Both Lily and James looked like they could have used a nap as well, though, and Severus wanted nothing more than for the day to end. It would still be a while.

Once dinner time was a little closer, Lily took Harry upstairs to bathe him. There was an awkward silence and, then, James decided to change activities.

“A game of Exploding Snap, lad? I’ve always found it more entertaining than Gobstones anyway and you looked like you were about to fall asleep at any moment.”

Severus nodded, since his senses were too dull to measure whether shrugging would cross James or not. Yet, his heart was not in the game and, shortly after, he failed to notice the smoking cards in his hand.

“Lad. Lad, the cards. Snape, let ‘em go!” James urged him, breaking him out of his daze.

The boy stared in utter panic, not truly understanding what he had to do and paralysed by the abrupt yelling. Things only became worse when James leant forward and slapped the cards out of his hand. Severus’s reaction was immediate: he jumped back, trying to get to his feet and put some distance between them. James had also got up, but stopped dead in his tracks when Severus tripped and fell flat on his arse. His head much clearer all of a sudden, he looked up, trying to assess exactly in what sort of danger he was. However, James was sitting back down very slowly.

“You okay there, mate?”

He nodded, tentatively sitting up. The blackened cards lay in front of him and it took him just a moment to understand what had happened. James had not tried to hit him, but avoid that the cards exploded fully in his grasp. Severus repeated that sentence again and again in his head, trying to calm down his wild heartbeat.

“Sorry, got distracted,” he finally rasped out.

He could not help feeling that a scolding —if nothing else— was coming, but the silence continued. Glancing up, he found that James was frowning, as if in deep thought rather than anger.

“D’you feel okay?”

Severus nodded a bit more energetically than necessary and, in a desperate attempt to stop the questions, picked up the cards again. James seemed to have forgotten about the game, though, and did not even look down at his.

“Are you sure? You’re sweating.”

It was true. Severus felt hot and his hands were trembling. He had never been so embarrassed and scared all at once in his whole life.

“I– I’m fine, gonna take a shower,” he retorted, looking everywhere but at James. He put down the cards, stood up on wobbly legs and practically fled the room.

He knew he was doomed if even James had noticed something was off, so he had his guard up high that night when Lily tucked him in. Although less and less often as the years passed, his mother still did that sometimes, too, especially after things had gone wrong. Dinner had been a quiet affair, but even so, Lily had insisted.

“I’m sorry we’ve been sorta absent these days. Harry’s on the mend already, so we can all get some rest tonight and let things go back to normal,” she whispered, tucking the sheets all around him and sitting down on the bed.

Anxiety rose at the thought of having to pretend to be fine for another minute longer. As soon as she picked up the fairy tale book from the bedside table, he felt compelled to speak up.

“Don’t wanna no story tonight,” he said very quickly, turning away.

“Why not? Are you upset? Is something wrong?”

He shook his head, trying to ignore the surprise clearly present in her voice.

“Tired,” he mumbled, because disappointing Lily always left a huge lump in his throat.

“Of course. No worries, darling. I can read to you tomorrow.”

Suddenly, there was a hand on his shoulder and he could feel the bed dip even further. Before she could kiss him good night, he lifted the blanket and covered his head. He could have cried with how much his eyes hurt when she sighed and left after lingering for a few more seconds. Instead, he shut them tightly and took deep breaths to fight the nausea. He had eaten too much throughout the day, but he could not afford to draw attention towards himself by refusing to polish off his plate.

And so, he was currently curled up on his side and the acute stomachache kept growing rather than go away. He did not know what he was going to do if he started to cough in the middle of the night. His father was always furious if Severus dared disturb his sleep for one reason or another and never listened when the boy tried to explain that he had not meant to cry out during a nightmare or that he had tried to hold in his cough for as long as he had been able to. In any case, being sick always brought him trouble, even when he managed to keep it from Tobias. Buying medicine was usually out of question, thus putting further strain on his mother. If that was how his own parents reacted, Severus did not want to find out what people who were not even related to him would do.

Lily might have been more patient under different circumstances, but after caring for her son, she was looking forward to getting some rest —she had said so herself. They could not know. He could not afford being rejected… or worse.

Another pang stung his stomach and he felt an almost inaudible whimper escape his lips. He was sweating under all those blankets. However, when he pushed them off with a blind, desperate arm, he felt like freezing. He tossed and turned, curling up on his other side. A few tears rolled down his cheeks and he let them fall on the pillow.

He felt utterly miserable. He would have really liked to know that his mother was just across the corridor, even if he could not have called out for her. He missed her.

He did not have the faintest idea how long he was able to stay in bed, shaking —out of cold or pain or fear, he did not know, either—, choking back silent sobs and swallowing the urge to throw up. Eventually, he knew he would not be able to keep it up for much longer.

The house was silent and he prayed Harry would not wake up his parents that night.

Despite having felt dizzy for hours, he was not prepared at all for the overwhelming wave of nausea that hit him right after sitting up. He had planned on going downstairs, to the kitchen sink, and cleaning up afterwards with bleach as he used to do at home. He had thought of slow and careful footsteps that would alert no one. All those images of safety vanished promptly from his mind. He closed his eyes, took another steadying breath and bolted out of his bed and out of his room.

The top priority was not to be sick on the soft carpet of his bedroom. Fabric soaked both the puke and the smell and the stain would remain there no matter what he did, in permanent mockery.

Since the corridor was in the dark, he launched forward to feel for the frame of the bathroom door. After several seconds full of anguish, he found it and reached blindly for the light switch. The nausea kept pushing up and his trembling fingers only found cold, smooth tiles. He knew he was going to lose that time. The next sob would not be as inoffensive.

He did not think. He just jumped ahead and made a last pathetic attempt to reach the toilet. He missed.

The strong, acidic smell invaded his nostrils right away and made his tears pour out in earnest. The sobs only made it easier to keep throwing up.

Once he finally dared open his eyes, he became aware that he was on his hands and knees just in front of the toilet. He looked down at the puddle of vomit that soiled the bathroom floor. A new wave of nausea was pushing up his throat and he no longer made an effort to fight it. Useless, it was useless.

His tears mixed with the taste of puke in his mouth. ‘Let this be a nightmare,’ he pleaded, unable to move.

Somewhere behind him, there were sounds of danger. Someone was coming. And yet, he kept staring down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Info about the two versions of Exploding Snap was taken from the Harry Potter Wiki.  
> I don't think a new chapter will be ready in two weeks, but hopefully it won't be much longer than that. I look forward to reading your thoughts on this one.


	15. XIV. You Don't Care and That's Fine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, you all need to check out these cute drawings that have been made between updates: [Sev trying to heat up his food with non-verbal magic in chapter XI](https://hayalee8.tumblr.com/post/640710424756715520/house-potter-for-children-in-need-ailec12), by Hayalee8, and [ the scene between Sev, James and Mrs Plump from chapter XII](https://mouseinthecastle.tumblr.com/post/634761506637185024/he-was-half-expecting-that-james-would-yell-at-him), by MouseInTheCastle. Plus, MouseInTheCastle has also gifted us with an illustration of the latest _Hotchpotch_ vignette. The link is at the end of that story and you can always find an updated list of all the fanart inspired by this universe on my [Tumblr pinned post](https://ailec-12.tumblr.com/post/634039951107997696/hp-fanart-im-so-in-love-with-everything-people#disqus_thread).
> 
> I hope you’ll enjoy this chapter. Once again, it deals with sickness in a detailed manner, so please proceed with caution if you have any illness-related phobias.

Severus could feel his whole body shaking and was aware of just how tiny he must look on the tiled floor —no, on the carpet. His fingers had a dead grip on a rough carpet. He dreaded opening his eyes, but the fear of not knowing was unbearable, so he cracked them open the slightest bit and, right away, recognised the threadbare carpet they had back home.

He wanted to cry. He was an idiot. He had got sick on the carpet again. His father was going to kill him and he would have all the right to do so, because Severus was a useless fool that could not do anything right.

He truly felt like sobbing, but that was not important, so he took the rag and started scrubbing at once. It smelt so very badly. He must have thrown vinegar in the mix again. He wanted to punch his own face. Had he really not learnt anything from the last time? Vinegar was good to hide the smell of puke, but should never be used on carpets because the fabric absorbed it, the smells mixed and there was no way to get rid of them quickly.

There were hands on his shoulders then, pushing him back, stopping him from fixing his mess. He did not try to fight them, though, because Tobias was suddenly in front of him, berating him.

“You fucking piece of shit… shouldn’t be allowed in the house… no better than a bloody fucking beast…”

Severus tried to make himself smaller and closed his eyes tightly. He would have liked to back away as well, but something stopped him. It was warm. Everything was too warm.

Just like the day he had first made the mistake with the vinegar, his father got him up by the front of his T-shirt and his legs were trembling so much that only the tight grip kept him upright. Severus smelt alcohol in his breath when Tobias leant closer and it was enough to send him on a downward spiral of frantic apologies —another mistake that a slap cut short. He remembered that, the day of the vinegar, he had ended up flying against a wall and his punishment had not stopped there. This time, however, he noticed that, if he focused and kept his eyes shut, he could make his father disappear, feeling hands on both sides of his face instead. No matter how hard he tried to shake them off, they would not go away.

There was something else that did not make sense and he became still —just for one second, just to know what was coming. Nothing exactly happened, but a soft murmur in his ear slowly replaced Tobias’s booming voice in his head.

“… okay, darling… safe… got you… hurt?”

“Don’t hurt me, please,” he tried to say, even though he had been really bad. He was not certain the words made it past his lips.

The hands moved around his face, but he could only think about how hot and sticky he felt. Nevertheless, he turned towards the solid presence behind him. It let him.

“You’re going to be all right.”

On that occasion, he became aware that the whispers belonged to a woman. His heart fluttered and his mind provided a quick answer —his mother. Yet, when he cracked his eyes open, he got a glimpse of red surrounding him. He closed them again, feeling his eyelids incredibly heavy, and let himself rest against the woman that was not Eileen. The right answer came to him when Lily kept on talking.

“That’s right, nothing to worry about. Why don’t we get you off the floor and back in bed, hm? You’ll surely feel better there, c’mon.”

He could feel Lily shifting, although not exactly getting away from him. Still, he tried to burrow further into her and succeeded in stilling her movements. It was then that another voice spoke up.

“Here, let me do it.”

Without further warning, more hands reached out under his armpits and did not hesitate to take him away from Lily. The words fell from his lips before he could think twice.

“No, no, no, please! I’m sorry, really sorry…”

His weak whimpers ceased as soon as he felt himself being pressed face first against another person. There were arms supporting his weight, firm and unyielding.

“It’s okay, I’m just getting you to bed,” came the nonsensical murmur.

His pleads might have worked for once and he might be dreaming. He truly hoped so.

“I’m going to get my wand and some fresh linen. I’ll meet you in his room,” added Lily. Severus could feel her hand on top of his head for a brief moment.

The person carrying him made no attempt to put him down, even after Lily went away, and the boy could not decide whether that was a good thing or not. That time, he had no wish to learn who was with him and so, he did not steal a single peek. Knowing the voice did not belong to his father was enough and it certainly felt safer to stay still.

He could not help going rigid when they started to move, though, but the voice remained silent. Tentatively, he leant his head forward, finding his own fists already pressed against a broad chest. The world seemed to hush a bit as the sound of a heartbeat flooded his ears. Even so, too much warmth kept surrounding him. Full of despair, he began to hear another noise. They were sobs and, while he was aware that they were coming from him, he could do nothing to stop it. Someone was going to get very cross and it would be his fault.

He curled up more tightly, as if that way he could escape the outside world, and buried his face between his closed fists. The arms were not letting him go and the heartbeat was steady. Above all, neither seemed to care that Severus was unable to prevent his tears from pouring down his face.

Walking stopped shortly after, but the movement did not cease completely. He could not come up with a reason for it, but then again, his mind was too slow to keep up with everything that was happening in his bizarre dream. Besides, he could feel nausea again at the back of his throat and all his energy focused on ignoring it.

He did not know whether he had actually dozed off for a second, but he was abruptly jolted back to reality when he felt himself being laid down somewhere. His sudden panic made him hold onto the nearest thing, but then he retched and the urge to vomit overwhelmed him. Shoving away the hands, he turned to the side, where a bucket was ready for him. He flinched upon feeling a weight on his back, but relaxed when he heard Lily next to him.

“It’s okay, let it all out. That’s it. I’m here, I’ve got you.”

Not thinking about how gross he was at the moment, he leant towards her, feeling utterly spent. Her hand moved to his shoulder and squeezed him against her side. Only his hiccups echoed in the room for a while. How strange, he thought —or perhaps he uttered those words out loud.

“You still feeling sick?” she asked after a while. He shook his head slightly and she gave him another squeeze. “Wanna try to lie down?” A tiny nod that time. “All right, I’m just going to do a quick cleaning spell on your pyjamas, okay?”

At last, he made an effort to look up. Lily’s face was blurry, but Severus trusted her intentions. He gave her another small nod before wiping his eyes. He was so tired he did not even protest when she helped him blow his nose. A breeze washed over him and, a second later, he was allowed to crawl back in bed. The smell of clean laundry surrounded him that time and he rolled to his side, snuggling down and closing his eyes again when Lily brushed a lock of hair away from his face. She was still caressing his hair when he fell asleep.

* * *

Any comfort he could have achieved during the night was forgotten by the following morning, when he woke up feeling like death warmed up. A splitting headache overcame any thought process he might have had, but he still got up in an automatic motion. The dizziness did not stay in bed, either, and he had to support himself while his surroundings stopped spinning.

He remembered having the strangest dream and wondered how his mind had managed to conjure images of Lily rescuing him after being sick at home. He was quite sure he had actually thrown up at some point, but his room was clean and smelt fine. Another scene flashed across his mind. Feeling his heart hammering in his throat, he pushed himself away from the bed and peeked out of his bedroom. Everything was calm outside, so he ran across the corridor to look into the bathroom.

Nothing.

The sudden understanding that there was nothing to see was almost enough to make him feel sick again.

The dream had been odd and it was also quite foggy in his mind. There were parts that were promptly ruled out as real, like being home or being rocked like a baby by a voice that was not female. Yet, as tempting as the belief of having made everything up was, he was sure he had got up in the middle of the night to throw up and someone —Lily— had been there with him. She must have cleaned up his mess before returning to bed and he felt an instant wave of shame and gratitude. Honestly, Severus could not believe his luck.

As usual, Mrs Plump sneaked up on him. She was just quietly sitting by the door frame when he stepped out of the bathroom and found her. Despite feeling unwell, a tiny smile stretched his lips. Right away, he lowered himself to pet her. He could have forgotten about all his troubles for a sweet moment, but a coughing fit rudely interrupted them and muted the cat’s purr. His eyes watered when he unsuccessfully tried to keep his mouth shut —and more tears came when it dawned on him that he could no longer hide his sickness.

He stopped petting Mrs Plump and huddled up against the cold wall of the corridor. He wondered whether Lily had told James, but neither answer brought him peace of mind. Even if she had not, James would not take long to find out about it, just when Harry was on the mend. Severus tried to get angry at his bad luck, but he only managed to whimper while a couple of tears fell from his eyelashes. When the cat attempted to regain his attention, he pushed her away.

Even the silence felt like it could pierce his skull.

“Oh, Sev.”

The whisper was so soft that he thought he had imagined it. However, when his head snapped up, he saw Lily walking towards him. She was carrying a tray and looked concerned, but not cross.

“Hey there,” she greeted, kneeling in front of him and putting the tray on the floor. With careful movements, she reached out, brushing away his hair. Belatedly, Severus, who was unable to tear his eyes away from her kind smile, realised she was taking his temperature. She took away her hand too soon. “Were you sick again?”

He shook his head, making his headache worse at once, and got to his feet. Actually, his body ached everywhere. He had not noticed he was extremely cold, either. He looked back at the bathroom and, for a moment, hesitated whether to say what he had come looking for. Finally, though, he decided against it. Lily got up, too, and, with a flick of her wand, lifted the tray in the air.

“Would you like to stay in bed for a bit longer? I’ve brought you lunch.”

Severus gave her a tiny nod as he felt her hand on his back, leading him to the room, preceded by a tray whose contents should have looked tempting. He had no wish to eat, but taking the chance to remain in his bedroom —safe— had been an easy decision. He dreaded going downstairs, where he could not hide all the symptoms that made being ill such a nuisance.

As he returned to the heavenly comfort of his bed, another coughing fit overcame him. Lily did not say anything, just drew circles on his back and handed him a glass of water once it passed.

“Small sips,” she reminded him and, for once, he did not take offence that she was talking to him as if he were a small child.

Afterwards, she took his temperature with a Muggle thermometer and did not look either surprised or frustrated to find that he was running a fever. She just took a small vial and asked him if he thought he could eat. Severus shook his head and tried to offer an explanation.

“Sorry, I, uh… Don’t wanna throw up again,” he whispered, looking up from behind his fringe.

“I understand, but you need to eat something before you take the fever reducer and the painkiller. I promise these potions will make you feel better. I even put some drops of stomach soother in the chamomile tea. Just a few bites of the toast first, okay?”

Two different wishes warred inside Severus. On the one hand, he just wanted to bury himself beneath the blankets and be alone with his misery. That was a well-known path. On the other hand, he would really have liked a break from the pain and Lily’s reasoning was hard to resist. Unsurprisingly, she won him over, beaming all the while.

He nibbled the toast and sipped half his tea carefully while Lily perused the library. By the time he was done with the potions, he felt exhausted. Every little thing required a great effort on his part all of a sudden and Severus felt pathetic, but also too sleepy to dwell on it.

Before she had handed him the medicine, Lily had sat on the bed by his side and showed him the cover of a book. However, as she started to read it aloud, he realised he could not remember the title or what it was about. He would have peeked, but his eyelids weighed a ton and he would rather not fight it. Footsteps and a miaow were heard in the far-off distance.

* * *

Severus woke up with a start upon feeling a hand on his face. In a blind panic, he sat upright, getting as far away from it as possible. However, once he opened his eyes wide enough to look around, he found only Lily in the room.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you,” she said from her seat on the bed. He wondered whether he had just nodded off, but the light coming through the window was much dimmer and his head, somewhat clearer. “You won’t get to sleep a wink tonight if you don’t wake up now, though. How are you feeling?”

He fixed his gaze on her, trying to drink in all the details before him. Something in the whole situation made him feel like he was still dreaming.

“Better, I guess. Ta,” he added, tearing his eyes away at last.

Swallowing still hurt and he felt weak as a kitten, but at least he was no longer covered in cold sweat or trying to hold back shivers. As if reading his thoughts, Lily replied,

“You’re welcome. Your fever seems to have gone away for now. D’you feel like coming downstairs for a little bit? Perhaps a shower first? Then, we can just sit on the sofa and watch telly until dinner.”

He hesitated. A shower sounded like too much work, but at the same time he felt gross in his pyjamas and wished to get out of them. Besides, he knew what the answer to her first request should be. There was no bright side to agreeing to go downstairs, where he would have to conceal his discomfort and James would still manage to use his sickness as an excuse to become cross. And yet, there was no way Severus could refuse.

James was likely annoyed already, so dragging on the situation could only get worse for the boy. After all, he had slept in that morning, proceeded to do nothing but be lazy and sleep some more and hogged Lily’s attention. Staying in bed for any longer was out of question, since he was not going to force James’s hand, something he apparently did enough with his father.

In the end, washing up was as exhausting as he had expected, but far more rewarding. Lily helped him choose clean clothes and waited for him before going downstairs. In the living room, they found her husband half lying down on the couch with Harry on top while bright colourful figures spun around them following a lazy wand-waving. Upon spotting them, though, James sat up, repositioning his son on his lap.

“Look who’s here,” Lily announced brightly, at the same time that the toddler started calling her insistently.

Harry looked much better than he had the previous day, although he still behaved far more subdued than he normally would. Severus felt instant relief out of the blue and allowed his eyes to linger just another second before turning to James, who looked away for a second only to plaster a tight smile on his face when their gazes met again.

“It’s good to see you up. How are you doing?”

Severus could not help stealing a glance at Lily, but she only nodded, as if encouraging him to answer. Her odd behaviour was one thing and he had got used to it, not bothering him much anymore. However, James’s change was a threat and, as such, Severus really needed to figure out the reason as well as the best course of action. Until then, he decided to be cautious.

“I’m fine now,” he announced clearly.

Yet, because everything and everyone loved to prove him wrong, he felt a coughing fit forming in his throat right away. He pushed it down firmly, hoping against hope that it would work. Meanwhile, Lily had walked up to the sofa and taken a seat, allowing Harry to be placed on her arms. Freeing one of them, she patted the unoccupied spot next to her, oblivious to Severus’s frantic train of thought. Not wanting to draw any more attention to himself, he complied quickly, avoiding the others’ gazes. He really hoped Lily knew what she was playing at, because there was no way James wanted a sick brat sitting nearby.

He put as much distance as possible between him and the witch, leaning against the armrest. Upon feeling a hand between his shoulder blades, he startled a little, but it was just Lily, so he forced his body to relax and kept his focus on suppressing the urge to cough.

“James, can you find something for all of us to watch?”

Her hand started tracing calming, soft circles on his back. Meanwhile, there was a stronger pressure building up in his throat and a few tears began to well up in his eyes.

“Sure.”

“Mummyyy.”

There was a pout in Harry’s voice. Maybe, if the telly was loud enough or Harry chose that moment to cry… There was no time to keep thinking and he made his coughing fit worse by attempting to hold it back. For several seconds, he was aware of very little beyond trying to catch his breath and sitting up straight. As it subsided, he heard James whisper ‘Aguamenti’ and the sound of pouring water ensued. A moment later, the man was offering him a glass from the other end of the couch. Severus recoiled and, again, felt the stupid impulse to look at Lily, who had her hands full with a clinging toddler.

Severus coughed some more, hurrying to cover his mouth with his hands in a useless attempt to muffle the sound. When he finally looked back up, the glass remained in front of him and James was leaning forward to place it within his reach. Still fearing a trap, Severus had no choice but to take it.

Miraculously, James did not pretend to drop it by accident or anything else and Severus only made a fool of himself because his hand would not stop trembling.

“Thanks,” he remembered to say, fixing his gaze down on the liquid.

“No problem, lad,” James replied easily and the sofa creaked when he leant back.

The boy took a sip as Lily reached out again. He was unable to resist the temptation to melt into her touch and saw Harry peeking in his direction.

“Wawa? Wanna wawa!”

Panic kicked in immediately as he found himself in the spotlight once again, but neither of the adults reacted beyond James handing Lily a beaker and both of them muttering pleasantries to their son. Harry, however, did not tear his big eyes away from Severus.

“No!” he yelled, reaching out to the older boy. “Sev wawa.”

“Darling, that’s Sev’s water. You’ve got yours right here,” Lily explained patiently.

“Besides, you’re both sick. You shouldn’t be sharing cups,” added James, although he sounded a little hesitant.

Severus gripped his glass tighter now that he knew he should not offer it to Harry. The toddler did not take the news so well and started sobbing in a way that made Severus —and the young parents, judging from their faces— willing to give him anything just so that he would stop. Lily’s rocking was not working at all and, at last, James came up with an idea.

“Hey, you want a big-boy glass?”

The question had to be repeated a couple of times, until Harry calmed down enough to listen. The toddler gave his father a wobbling nod.

“Big boy, Daddy.”

“Yeah, you’re a big boy,” agreed James, a grin on his face.

He took his wand and hit the beaker once, made a flourish, hit it again and the plastic cup was replaced by a half full glass of water. It retained the little lions printed on it, which apparently was the right choice, because Harry let his mother help him drink and, after that, buried his face in her sweater and clung tightly to her.

* * *

There had been soup for dinner. Lily had told him to eat just as much as he felt like, but had filled his plate generously as usual before leaving two small vials on the table in front of him. Both things had Severus on edge. Although her words seemed to indicate she did not want him to eat everything on his plate, he had learnt long ago that he needed to take everything he was given and so, he felt like she was sending mixed signals. In addition, pretending he was fine was a moot point if James saw him taking any medicine. Yet, refusing it could only end worse.

The man had kept holding up his pleasant façade. He had not complained about his son interrupting their watching television or even about having to endure some silly show for children. And he had said nothing about a sick Severus resting near Lily instead of staying where he could not spread his germs everywhere.

Perhaps James was just too used to Harry’s loud demeanour and was blissfully oblivious to how burdensome Severus became when he was ill. In any case, the boy had tried to remain inconspicuous and muffle his coughing as much as possible. He could not deny it felt better to stay on the couch near Lily, with the telly as a welcome distraction in the background. He had ruined everything at dinner, though.

Slowly but surely, he had forced himself to finish his soup, pretending not to notice the frequent exchange of looks between James and Lily. As usual, he was aware of doing something wrong, but was unable to figure out what. They were not saying anything, making him wish they would just become fed up with him and list all the rules he was breaking and air all his flaws.

The food had settled badly in his stomach and he could feel the familiar feeling of nausea and unease as he had remained at the table, waiting for everyone to finish. Then, suddenly, the sight of his empty plate had blurred and spun and he had become aware of what was going to happen with startling clarity.

He had attempted to make excuses, tried to make his mouth form some words, but neither his brain nor his body had responded. Thus, after throwing a desperate look around, he had jumped to his feet and ran out of the kitchen. The stairs had been climbed haphazardly, but he had been quick and had reached the loo in time.

The sounds of his retching were deafening in the stillness of the first floor. He was not alone for much longer, though, and Lily found him a few seconds later holding onto the toilet seat for dear life. At some point, he had closed his eyes and refused to open them at her arrival.

She did not hesitate to sit down on the floor with him, pulling his hair out of the way gently. She remained like that, comforting whispers in her lips and a solid touch on his back. Not a clue why, he burst into tears at once, even though the pain was not so bad and crying only made him feel more disgusting and worthless. She did not mind, staying in that position until she seemed sure he was not going to be sick again —at least, not right away. She made no mention of the potions he had just wasted and even walked him to bed and tucked him in after offering him some water. He could not help the way his mind wandered to James’s whereabouts at the moment, but he made an effort to focus on what she was saying.

“I’m going to leave a bucket by the bed so you don’t need to worry about getting up in the middle of the night, okay? Come get me or just call out for me any time, though. I don’t want you to feel like you’ve got to deal with this alone. You’re not alone, understood?” she said seriously.

Her intense green eyes were fixed on him and Severus did not find the words to object. Thus, he gave her a hesitant nod, earning a smile in return. She smoothed back his hair and checked his temperature again. Severus could feel himself still staring.

“Will you let me read you a story tonight?”

And because she sounded as if he were granting her a favour, he felt compelled to nod again.

* * *

Once more, Severus was terribly bored when he should have been grateful for his extended reprieve. He could not help it, though. He had barely been out of his room all morning. He had managed to keep his breakfast down, but it had made him very nauseous all the same and Harry’s cries, either in excitement or protest, pierced his ears. He had not needed to excuse himself, for Lily had suggested it might be good for him to rest in bed for a while longer. Childishly, he had thought she would stay with him again. That house was turning him into an imbecile.

She had made sure he was all settled in bed, that he had water as well as a cooling chamomile tea on his bedside table and that his books were within reach, too. The previous night, she had left the fairy tale book on top of the ones he already had there about history and potions. That morning, she surprised him by adding _Quidditch Through the Ages_. Knowing it belonged to James, Severus was always careful to put it back before leaving the bedroom.

Lily had winked at him.

“In case you only feel like looking at the pictures.”

Her suggestion should have been helpful, because he had later found that he was too tired to understand a single sentence he tried to read. However, focusing his gaze on anything, even pictures, ended up making him dizzy and, soon, he had to give up on books altogether. His coughing had also worsened and, although it was a dull burden compared to throwing up, his throat was starting to hurt considerably. In fact, it was a damn coughing fit what had woken him up early that morning —fortunately, the adults were already up and it had not disturbed Harry’s sleep. Lily’s chest rub had likely helped a lot during the night, but the jar was empty at present.

That was actually the reason why she was currently locked in her brewing room, because Severus had been using up medicine that Harry still needed. And so, the last thing he should do is resent her hard work. He was bored to death, though, and facing James in his poor state did not feel like an option, even if Lily had promised her husband would not mind.

At least Mrs Plump had popped in once or twice. She was a refreshing distraction, but she never joined Severus in his bed and he did not feel like getting out of the warm blankets. They had observed each other for a long while and she had licked and rubbed herself against the hand that he had lazily left hanging off the side of the bed. When Severus had become tired of that as well, he had leant back and closed his eyes, snuggling against the soft pillow. Perhaps, if he just let his body rest for a bit, the world would stop spinning so often.

He must have dozed off at some point, because he felt himself coming back to consciousness upon hearing a couple of soft knocks. Startled, his first reaction was to look at the open door, where he found James carrying a tray. A quick glance at his surroundings told Severus they were alone. He felt his throat closing right away and mentally berated himself for his useless fear. He wished he would not have looked, so he could pretend to be asleep. He felt like James would not have bothered him.

“Did I wake you?” the man asked in an odd voice before stepping into the room. His eyes also seemed to scan it.

Severus could not help shrinking back under the blankets slightly. James had become impossible to read at times, but it was obvious right then that he did not want to be there. Severus wished he would just get on with it and get it out of his system. The boy even understood that James was upset at Lily coddling a brat other than his son. They had hardly asked anything of him, just to do some schoolwork, entertain Harry from time to time and eat his food. And now, a little cold had got him out of it all and he was not even cleaning up his messes.

Severus was not going to add ‘sleeping the day away’ to that list.

“No. How can I sleep at bloody noon?”

He had not realised he was furious until he listened to himself provoking James so openly. Stubborn, he glared up, refusing to back down.

“Right, because that’d be unheard of,” James muttered, rolling his eyes.

He had not been looking at Severus, but it seemed as if replying compelled him to turn his attention to his unwanted guest. James took a deep breath and seized his wand, balancing the tray with one hand and making Severus realise his mistake right away. He was in no position to escape fast enough, because the heavy blankets kept him put. He was a sitting duck, his father’s voice echoed in his head, just like when fear paralysed him.

However, James just drew a brief pattern in the air with his wand, not taking his eyes away from the tray, and then put it back up his sleeve. The tray floated down gently and came to a stop just before Severus, hovering above his covered knees. Hesitantly, he glanced down. There was grilled chicken, a piece of toast and orange juice, besides two small bottles that he knew would contain fever reducer and painkiller for his headache. He glanced up and found James still looking at him. The stillness suddenly felt suffocating.

“Time for your potions,” James said at last, although he did not sound completely certain. “Sorry it’s a bit l–”

“I want Lily.”

Severus was utterly shocked of the words —the childish whine— his mouth had just uttered without his permission. He looked away and instinctively pulled the blanket closer to his chest. Again, everything was too hot and the palms clutching the fabric felt sweaty. He heard a tired huff precede James’s answer.

“She’s still brewing, but I’m sure she’ll drop by as soon as she’s done. Just eat your lunch and take your potions, okay? They’ll make you feel better.”

Of course James was cross that his wife was still brewing —after all, it was Severus’s fault. And yet, the boy had not asked for any of that. He had made it before without complaining. He should not have to carry the blame.

“I’m fine,” he snapped, fighting the sensation of feeling smaller and smaller. “Don’t need nothing.”

“Anything,” James corrected under his breath, running a hand through his hair. His glasses had slipped a bit and he pushed them back up before going on. “You’re not fine, you’re still sick.”

The condescending answer irked Severus no end and he sat up straighter, drawing his knees closer to his chest. He would have to knock over the tray if he wanted to bolt. His eyes stared into James’s.

“I ain’t bloody sick. It’s nothing! It’ll go away, so I don’t need your stupid potions. Leave me alone!”

The lump was still stuck in his throat and Severus felt that, if he tried to swallow it down, he would fail and spill everything for James to mock.

The man was not happy and had tried to shush him as soon as he had opened his mouth. Since it had not worked, he was positively fuming. He bent slightly forward and delivered his response through gritted teeth.

“Keep your voice down, Snape. I’ve just put Harry down for a nap and I swear, if you wake him up, I’ll bring him right here. Now, eat up, take the bloody potions and I’ll leave you the hell alone.”

Severus should have been too afraid to open his mouth or should have had enough sense to stop himself from doing so. Even his magic could have intervened, but none of that happened. The oppressive feeling inside him kept growing and he was aware that he could not stop to think, not for a single second, or it would shatter and he would be flooded, drowned. He could not let that happen, so he breathed in and said, mimicking James’s low voice,

“No, piss off _now_. I’m fine.”

Brown eyes narrowed behind the glasses.

“You’re a brat, that’s what you are.”

A staring contest ensued and Severus felt a part of him become numb and detached, whereas the lump in his throat got bigger and the hot feeling from before turned colder and heavier. He could not fathom why James had not stormed out yet or knocked over the tray on his lap. Most important of all, Severus did not understand how he had got away without a punishment for so long —he was doing many more wrong things than he did at home and he was yet to be struck. Likewise, he could not come up with a reason why Lily was working so hard on providing him with potions. He was mostly ready to accept that Harry was a good son that deserved to be doted on. Yet, Severus was no one and he certainly was no frail baby. They must know he would get better eventually.

He was confident that he could handle it, too. He was used to scraping by without dozens of fancy potions and hours upon hours of rest. Whenever he felt like whining, his father’s words taunted him: if his kind was so powerful, so superior, his damn magic should be enough to heal whatever ailed him. It was instilled on him that a real man would not even need medicine —no matter that, the only time Tobias had come down with the flu, it had been all sorts of terrible. Nevertheless, because Severus was neither a real man nor a real wizard, he had only managed to learn not to complain.

The boy broke their mutual staring first. He only wanted to be alone and it should not have been such a tricky wish. He let go of his dead grip on the blankets and proceeded to hug his knees, fixing his eyes ahead. He was not going to run.

“I don’t wanna eat and you don’t wanna be here, so bugger off. I don’t care,” he mumbled. He told himself he meant every word.

James straightened up, still looking down at him. His gaze had changed, though, turning thoughtful.

“I told you. Not going anywhere until you eat enough to have your potions,” he retorted.

He sounded tired, which was never a good sign. Yet, Severus was exhausted as well and could not understand why James kept insisting. He said so, the words leaving his lips angry and unfiltered.

“Why? I don’t get it. You don’t wanna be here, don’t bloody want me here, so just go! Leave me the hell alone and I’ll be g– I’ll get better, like always.” To his utter shame, his voice broke towards the end.

He did not know when he had looked back up, but at that moment he realised his sight of James was blurred. He felt his entire face grow hotter as he hurried to wipe away his tears roughly.

There was a muffled groan. When Severus glanced up, James’s hair was wilder than usual and he had his hands on his hips.

“Are you truly this stubborn? Look, I get you’re tired and grumpy and you’d rather deal with Lily. We’re on the same page, mate. I–”

“Stop pretending you care! I know the truth!”

Severus felt hot fury fill every part of himself. It burnt him and he wanted others to know how badly it did. The world was reduced to that overwhelming emotion and James’s frozen expression. The man opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before finally breaking the silence.

“What?”

Severus had no idea it was possible, but he became more upset. They always acted as if it were him who sputtered out nonsense and behaved irrationally, when it was them who made no bloody sense.

“I know you don’t care and that’s fine! I don’t care ‘bout you or– or Lily o– or nobody!”

“What do you mean I don’t care?”

In contrast to Severus’s shrills, James’s voice was low and tightly controlled.

“You hate me! You don’t care ‘bout me! Nobody wants me here and they don’t care and I don’t fucking care!”

As Severus took a very necessary deep breath, another sort of crying interrupted them. He had woken Harry. The anger as well as the bravery it had lent him faded a little and the boy went back to feeling tiny in a huge bed. He curled up tighter, peeking up at James through his hair.

The man looked shocked and seemed oblivious to his son’s distress.

“Oh,” he said after a moment. Severus was unable to guess what his next reaction would be. “I, uh… I don’t hate you. And I– I care. About you, I mean.”

“You’re lying,” the boy whispered, swallowing to get rid of the dryness in his mouth.

Something changed in James’s face and his bewilderment made way for a tiny but unwavering smile. The anxiety that Harry’s cries were creating in Severus increased when the man stepped forward. On that occasion, it was Severus the one too puzzled to react when James sat down on the bed. It should have been too near for comfort, but Severus was numb once again.

“Of course I do, of course I care what happens to you.” Very slowly, the man reached out. Still, Severus could not help flinching when the hand came close to his face. James rested it on his shoulder and the weight stayed there. Severus tried to remember how to breathe as well as pay attention, since James kept talking. “You’re right I didn’t at first, but that’s on me. I don’t mind having you around and I really don’t want to see you miserable. Please, eat something while I go to check in on Harry so you can take your potions and get better soon?”

James’s gaze became too intense and Severus looked down at the forgotten tray, nodding curtly in order to be left alone. The man squeezed his shoulder gently before getting up and leaving. At the same time, Severus, no longer blinded by rage, recognised the first signs of tears welling up in his eyes. He hurried to blink them back, because he could not afford to cry at the moment.

James’s words were still echoing in his head. Somehow, it must be a lie. James had loathed him from the moment Severus had arrived and the boy had given them no reasons for a change of heart. Besides, that sort of thing was limited to stories in books and it would certainly never happen to a filthy boy like himself.

James had to be lying and yet, Severus could not figure out what benefit he would get out of it or why he wasted his time coaxing Severus to eat. Maybe James was truly a decent bloke and felt like he had to say things like ‘I care’ and ‘I don’t mind having you around.’ Severus did not trust that sort of thought and, in any case, he knew that, real or pretended, it would not last. He was not like Harry, who made people smile and coo and whose cries were heart-wrenching. Severus was good at getting things wrong and crossing others, as he did when he had tried to help by doing the dishes. Furthermore, he seemed unable to avoid talking back and being loud and disrespectful.

Feeling completely empty after that reflection, he started nibbling his food. He had decided he would take the tray downstairs once he was done, but James came back unexpectedly when he was still halfway through it. Harry was nowhere in sight and Severus remembered the earlier threat. He could not help wondering whether its unfulfillment was a good sign or not, but he did notice James looked more relaxed as he strode in.

“How’s the food? You feeling sick again?” he asked, glancing down at his poor progress.

Severus shook his head, unsure how much he could test James’s newfound patience.

“Ain’t very hungry, though,” he said, the words barely making it out of his lips.

“That’s okay. Can you manage the rest of the toast at least?”

He shrugged, but took a small bite of it. Meanwhile, James looked around and his eyes spotted the big leather book on his bedside table. Severus froze, waiting to see what happened with bated breath.

“Huh, I had no idea you liked Quidditch,” he remarked, holding the book up.

“I, um… Lily put it there.”

James had not sounded upset, so Severus tried not to feel bad about diverting the attention away from himself.

“Oh, I see,” came the slightly deflated reply. The book was put back on top of the pile.

After that, Severus made an earnest effort to focus on his food and took the potions without further complaint. James told him he was welcome to go downstairs with him to watch some television or read, but Severus refused —partly because it was the safest option and partly because he was knackered after experiencing so many emotions. James let him be and Severus thought that, even if adults lied all the time, some lies were not half bad.

* * *

That night, the four of them walked upstairs after dinner together. There had not been much talk at the table, as they all seemed equally worn out. James went to put a deeply asleep Harry in his bed and Severus was not surprised when Lily accompanied him to his.

She tucked him in and wished him sweet dreams. When she was about to leave a kiss on his forehead, he could not help sharing the thought that kept feeding his guilt.

“Sorry you were making potions for me all day.”

She smiled and sat next to him, caressing his cheek.

“No need to apologise, darling. I just want you and Harry to be right as rain again.”

“I ain’t a baby, though. Shouldn’t need a lot.”

“What d’you mean? You can’t control how sick you get, no matter how old you are. Of course you’ll take as many potions as necessary until you get better and that’s it.”

Her voice was firm, but not unkind. Severus tried to focus his gaze on her, but his eyelids were heavy and he wanted nothing more than to close them.

“ ‘M a wizard, should heal myself…” he answered in a mumble before a yawn cut him off quite rudely.

Lily was running a hand through his hair now. It was the only thing he was aware of, except for her voice. It was strange, because she sounded far away.

“Wizards and witches need a bit of help to get better sometimes, just like Muggles do. I’m happy I can provide that for you.”

“No waste?” he asked, just in case.

“Never a waste, I promise.”

“ ‘Kay,” he tried to mumble, although he was not sure whether he managed.

His father would have begged to differ, but he was not there at the moment and Severus felt no shame when he let himself sink into a peaceful sleep.

The following morning, he woke up in time for a late breakfast with Lily. He was still suffering from some coughing and mucus, as well as a sore throat, but the lack of fever made him feel much better. It was shaping up to be a nice morning until James called Lily’s name from upstairs, interrupting their chat about the potions Severus usually brewed with his mother.

Just a few minutes later, Lily and James showed up in the kitchen. Thankfully, Severus was still wary of upsetting his stomach and had stopped eating the moment she had left. Otherwise, he would have choked on whatever he had put in his mouth.

James was holding one of his old T-shirts —specifically, the one where he kept his food stash— and the boy could not tear his eyes away from it.

“Care to explain, lad?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life is hectic at the moment —to put it politely— and will continue to be so for the foreseeable future. I may not manage to write a lot in the next few months, but for the people fretting about me abandoning this story, I’m not. Updates are going to come slowly, though. As always, I am immensely grateful for your patience and support.
> 
> I also look forward to reading your thoughts on this emotional roller coaster of a chapter. I’ve had the conversation between James and Severus wandering around my head since I started writing this fic and you don’t want to know how many times I’ve rewritten it. So yeah, I’m really excited to know what you think about it!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [What Dreams Reveal](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29641071) by [mariagvogel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariagvogel/pseuds/mariagvogel)




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